Can we talk about loneliness?

[Daydreaming]

This is not really a AIBU...

Just spotted an article that has really struck a chord with me, about loneliness:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2019545/The-loneliness-epidemic-Attractive-successful--years-EMILY-WHITE-felt-profoundly-Why-honest-problem-blights-lives.html

I am 30 something and for the last few years I have felt quite lonely. I am sure I am not the only one. Like the writer of that article, I too had short episodes of feeling a bit lonely in my teens and 20s, but nothing like this. I have a professional job and I think I am reasonably interesting/attractive, but circumstances are such that I spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

I know that some of it is to do with the fact that I am not from the UK originally, so don't have any old school/uni friends here. I have loving parents, but they are not in the UK. I am a lone parent to a small child (not by choice). My DD is a great source of joy to me, but she is not a substitute for adult company.

I have two single female friends that I sometimes do things with. I also have two married friends, that I made through DD, but they are more playdate/family activity friends, rather than someone I could call on the weekend. And that's it.

A couple of weeks ago I had a weekend all to myself, without DD, and I was quite happy to read, etc. but I wished there was someone who could just pop over to have a cut of tea with me, etc.

Anyone else who can relate to this?

I read once "men have friends, women have children", seems like it really is true.

I thought I was the only one, facebook is the devil for making you feel like the loneliest person on the planet. My DP has loads of friends scattered all over and chats on the phone at length to them, this makes me feel worse. I moved down south from Manchester where my family and long standing best friend are. She is like my sister and I love her dearly, I feel so guilty for coming here as I know she gets lonely and will miss our friendship as much as I will, it really does pain me.

I'm in Chelmsford if anyone fancies a brew, I'm normal, have two small DC's, am not a yummy mummy.

This thread has struck such a cord with how I'm feeling at the moment. On the face of it I have lots of friends but feel I don't have much in common with those that don't have children and my new mummy friendships all feel so superficial. I miss the deep friendships I used to have and think it's interesting the point someone made that perhaps we just don't have those type of friendships when we get older (I'm only early thirties so feel a bit sad at that thought!). I'm in herts if anyone would like to meet up for coffee and a chat....

OP, thanks so much for starting this thread, seems there are a lot of people feeling this way.

I'm so ashamed of how lonely I am that I actually considered name changing yet again before posting on here. I feel as though it means there must be something wrong with me. :(

And, yes, I am massively lonely. I can count on one hand the people I've spoken to within the last week. That is including the cashier at the supermarket and the woman whom I helped out by translating for her at said shop. And my parents, to whom I've only spoken on the phone.

I've made exactly one friend since moving to London eight years ago. She moved abroad in 2007. Since then the only social gatherings I've been part of have been a) work related or b) invitations by my DH's friends (who all speak a different language and where I end up sitting in a corner holding on to my drink and being unable to take part in the conversation). I don't have any children yet. My husband works long hours. I recently gave up my job in order to concentrate on my studies. I can't even remember the last non work or studies related conversation I've had with anyone other than the members of my immediate family.

And, yes, it sucks!

Wow, this thread is a real revelation. I have a DH and family down the road, lots of FB 'friends' and colleagues who I get on with but I don't have anyone that I can just drop in on or go out for coffee with who lives locally.

My two best mates live a long way away. I am great at being affable but not very good at putting myself on the line and asking people if they want to spend time doing things with me. Also having a small child that I often have to look after by myself doesn't help; I spend a lot of time by myself with DS, watching other groups of mums and kids in parks and feeling very because I know it'd be lovely for DS and for me to have that sort of relationship with other parents.

I am 35 weeks pg atm and have resolved to make lots of effort to make friends at BF group etc; I did this last time but was then crap at sustaining them when I went back to work.

I too am lonely - I have friends and a DP but don't feel like I have anyone other than DP to turn to if I feel like I really need someone but I sometimes worry how much of that is my fault for not asking and how much of it is ingenuine offers to help.

There have been times I've been desperate and I know there are friends that would've come to me if I'd asked but I haven't and I don't really know why. I used to have a friend like that but we drifted apart and despite attmpt to get back on track it never quite worked.

notadudeexactly - i am with you about sitting in the corner. It is exactly the same for me - dh says just start a conversation but what am i suppose to do but in in English!

Oh and i am zone 3 S E London

well i am less lonely now in my late 40s, in my 20s and 30s i was often surrounded by people but felt dismissed, struggling and alone!

as it happens, i often absolutely crave solitude now, and would love more of it.

but also real and happy friendships.

my ideal would be both: solitude and relaxed, happy friendships.

I am naturally a very social person. Always talking to someone, in the middle of something. Been a single parent before but never as isolated as this.

I've pretty much resigned myself to having to do everything alone now. I have no family, haven't spoken to them in 6 years because they are just to unpleasant it's painful for myself and my children to be in contact with them.

I have friends that I see at festivals (once every 5 years, as things stand) and gigs ( 1 or 2 a year), but I've moved out of London and the only people I know are ex's family and friends, so my life is basically me and my kids. I am struggling to find a job, I have no support network so I am stuck as I am. I go a week at a time with no adult interaction at all, not even a quick hello, regularly. It's just the way it is.

Mrspear:

... not to mention that if you do start a conversation, it'll only last as long as it's just between two people - make it three and any conversation you may have started will soon be held in a language you don't understand.

On the upside: I totally have holding on to a Martini glass, even a coffee mug with sex jokes on it if necessary, and silently looking smart, intelligent and incredibly sophisticated down to a fine art.

I am very friendly. I love meeting people. I guess, on the surface I have lots of friends. We live in a very close community in east London and I can't go out of my front door without seeing people I know, stopping and chatting.

But I do feel lonely. Not unhappy as such, just lonely. I just don't really feel part of a group, just surrounded by 'surface' friends, iykwim. I feel as though I've moved apart from a lot of my old friends and only really maintain friendship with a very few.

one of the main reasons for putting ds into nursery 3 days a week was so that he would make friends. I went to baby groups when i was on maternity leave with him but they were horrendous. Never clicked with anyone, tried starting conversations but got one word answers (why are some people so very very rude?!) so I thought, right, at least if i put ds into nursery he'll have friends and a social life. And he does

I'm so glad I came across this thread as I thought I was the only one feeling this way!

I'm not from here originally and I think its hard to get in with other groups when they have established friendships. When I was pregnant I joined NCT, but it turned out to be one big competition! Now that DS is in school, I've joined the PTA but its all backstabbing and bitchiness. I just want to feel part of something.

I do enjoy being on my own at times, but I wish someone would pick up the phone to me and say hi rather than it being my mum or DH.

Its reassuring that I'm not alone on this thread

Hi y'all, the Billy No Mates crowd [waves]. How are we all doing? It's gone quiet on this thread - are we all feeling ashamed? Did somebody set up a FB page for us lonelies? (lovely lonelies )

Got a call from my sister today - she wants me to look after her dogs (wants me to go to and fro from her house because they 'get upset' if they stay anywhere else. Oh, and walk them too - twice a day). Actually, I do miss those dogs a lot more than I miss her tbh.

Got a call from my brother today - he wants my ladder.

I don't hear from them - ever - unless they want something.

Just having a moan [moan]

Isn't this funny - just started a post under relationships and poster referred me to this thread and here you are! To summarise: moved to UK from Oz just over a year ago, working full-time = no time to make friends. Thank goodness for FB where can talk to old friends or I'd be completly isolated! :o

If anyone wants a chat ever, message me. I spend all day on my own with my baby and cat. Today I exchanged about fifteen words with people in shops. It's exhaustingly mind numbing.

I'm a bit of an idiot jokey type person and really not judgemental of anyone so feel free to send me any random rubbish and I'll be thrilled to reply! :)

I'll set up a FB group but will need people to PM me their FB name so I can set the group up.

Ok, I did a FB group. But there's only 2 of us in it

Hello

I've had this thread in my 'watching' list since it started, waiting for the right time to sit down and post on here.

OK, here goes -

My name is Supercal,and I am lonely.

Reading this thread has been v interesting, because there seems to be different types of loneliness. Some of it is circumstantial perhaps - people who have just moved. Some of it is hopefully temporary. I would say mine is v deep-rooted.

I have quite a lot of friends. I even have one very good friend. I have a husband, although we are not getting on well at the moment, are emotionally distant and this isn't helping.

But I feel crushingly lonely and alone. I like my own company, but I long for a best friend. Someone I can tell my vulnerabilities to. I feel like I cannot fully reveal myself to friends in case of scaring them off. I am worried I am too needy. And because of this, I tend to drive people away. I feel I have self-sabtogaged a few friendships before they got too deep. It is hard for me to get v close to someone, I don't let many people in. My best friend and I fell out a few years ago - I'm not even sure why - but she refuses to speak to me and I really miss her.

I feel looking back that I have spent most of my life lonely. In my family, I was very much the black sheep, the child my parents rejected in many ways, and I always felt like it was them and my brother as a three, and then me. My parents were abusive and I have hardly any contact with them these days. I miss having a mother - an ideal mother, not my real mother - so much.

At the moment I am basically a SAHM although I do work freelance from home. I am just setting myself up workwise so it is all v self-starting at the moment. In both these modes, I am v much alone.

I am interested in the FB group but a bit shy about revealing my real name!

I'm in London, if anyone wants a buddy

Damn, I didn't make myself clear. While I have quite a lot of friends, they are more casual than close friends. And my v good friend is great, but I feel embarrassed that in my mind she is my no.1 friend, while in hers I am probably one of 5/6 v good friends.

I have quite a few people to go for a drink with, but only one I can really tell things to.

I can go 10 hours with out talking to another adult, have to wait for oh to come home for a chat.

I just don't know many people

I have really good chats with next door but she is 87

I am 30 something and for the last few years I have felt quite lonely. I am sure I am not the only one. Like the writer of that article, I too had short episodes of feeling a bit lonely in my teens and 20s, but nothing like this. I have a professional job and I think I am reasonably interesting/attractive, but circumstances are such that I spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

That could have been written by me. Minus the child though, I don't have children. I don't get it, I am descrbed as gregarious at work (in a nice way) I am well liked. People say I am funny and friendly and they like my company. I have lots of nice colleauges I am friends with but few real friends. I dread weekedns in a way as I mooch about by myself and tbh it's nice to get back to work to have people to talk to on a Monday.

I have a couple of girlfriends who I could tell almost anything too, but we don't see each other that often, wrok, etc.

I can relate OP.
I used to live in London, where all my single/childless girlfriends are, but now live far from there with my ds.
I have some mum friends, who are nice, but I dont feel they really know me. They are not into music or anything that I am into really, and I always feel I am censoring myself around them.
Plus, I fucking hate Sundays, as I dont feel I can call up any married friends to hang out.
Being in your thirties can be really lonely.

So what are we going to do about it?

We should have a Loneliness Project.
We all pledge to take at least one step per day towards alleviating our loneliness. E.g. Getting in touch with a friend we've let slip, checking out evening courses as a way of meeting new people, initiating a chat at the playground.

If only it was that simple, no offence