Can we talk about loneliness?

[Daydreaming]

This is not really a AIBU...

Just spotted an article that has really struck a chord with me, about loneliness:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2019545/The-loneliness-epidemic-Attractive-successful--years-EMILY-WHITE-felt-profoundly-Why-honest-problem-blights-lives.html

I am 30 something and for the last few years I have felt quite lonely. I am sure I am not the only one. Like the writer of that article, I too had short episodes of feeling a bit lonely in my teens and 20s, but nothing like this. I have a professional job and I think I am reasonably interesting/attractive, but circumstances are such that I spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

I know that some of it is to do with the fact that I am not from the UK originally, so don't have any old school/uni friends here. I have loving parents, but they are not in the UK. I am a lone parent to a small child (not by choice). My DD is a great source of joy to me, but she is not a substitute for adult company.

I have two single female friends that I sometimes do things with. I also have two married friends, that I made through DD, but they are more playdate/family activity friends, rather than someone I could call on the weekend. And that's it.

A couple of weeks ago I had a weekend all to myself, without DD, and I was quite happy to read, etc. but I wished there was someone who could just pop over to have a cut of tea with me, etc.

Anyone else who can relate to this?

I get very lonely too. I do have a best friend and a husband but it's so lonely being on my own all day with a baby and a cat. I have to talk to them constantly and they never talk back. I used to speak to dozens of people every day when I had a job. Now it's just my voice and I run out of things to say.

I'm very sorry kladdkaka. It must be so isolating for you. I wish I could help

God I can't believe we are all in the same boat. I thought I really was the only one.

Does anyone think there is some solution? A specific forum/chat group they can recommend?

I have a cat who talks back michelle but she is thyroidal and very old - so it is more than likely medical/psychological. She never has much to say either - it all sounds like 'tuna....tuna...tuna.'

Is it me or are more and more people really only connecting too on a superficial level? I love in-depth conversations and so few have the time or inclination to do more than chat....

I've found that the nature of my friendships has changed as I get older (I'm in my mid-thirties). I don't have kids and some of my friends don't either, so it's not really that, but while I love my friends and enjoy their company, it's not the same as my friendships used to be. At uni and in my twenties I used to feel that I could just wander round to a friend's and we could spend time together doing mundane things like errands, or just hanging out, not doing much at all, and even being bored together. These days I feel much more as if I have to 'perform' when I see a friend, and I'd be mortified to find out that a friend had been bored in my company. Things also seem to have to be organised very precisely in terms of time, venue etc, in that we very much meet up with something in mind (a film, gallery, coffee etc). I don't know if this is because I moved from a smaller city to London in my twenties ? in my old city I could easily walk to all my friends' houses ? or if it's just something that happens. But yes, it can leave me feeling lonely even on the way home from a nice dinner or gallery outing or whatever.

I feel very lonely. I am lucky because I have my DH and a group of lovely friends. But I feel a strong sense of deep long term loneliness. I always feel that I am very transient in people's lives - if I disappeared there would be no real difference to them.

I am not really in touch with any school friends (despite my efforts) and bloody Facebook does not make anything any better when I see them attending each other's weddings and going to reunions that I am not invited to. I feel so sad that I am so unimportant to so many people. Someone I had considered a great friend at school, who I stayed in contact with deleted me recently and I know it is just a silly computer and not real but it really hurt my feelings.

It is hard to explain to other people because I do have friends, I socialise every week but it is always in isolation. Nobody invites me to group gatherings (even if I know everybody there), I just meet people alone for coffee.

I do enjoy my own company, I had lunch out alone yesterday and it was bliss. But I feel very much on the peripheries of a social life and that makes me feel deeply alone.

Apologies if this is long, I feel to ashamed to tell anyone about this in real life because I suspect the reason people don't meet me in groups or stay in touch is me :(

Ha ha punkatheart! I get a constant miaow wahhh miaow wahhh from the cat and the baby. Roughly translates as feed me feed me feed me feed me!

Punkatheart - may fancy that as a name change...

Think my issue at mo is since dcs my life has just turned inside out and my friendships haven't kept up. I am self contained but there are deeply personal things I just wouldn't talk to anyone about for fear of being judged. I think I probably come across as outgoing, upbeat and confident but it's just a facade I'm cowering behind.

I don't know how to begin to start a new friendship. I've tried mother and toddler groups but I feel there is a competitive thing going on which turns me right off. I really have no time to do stuff which doesn't involve dcs. I know when I start working again it will get easier but it would just be lovely to have someone I could phone and ask to pop round for a chat.

I have always found it difficult to make friends. When my DS was small, mums at the school gate wouldn't talk to me. I too tried mother and toddler groups and PTAs but have always been rejected. I worked in a supermarket for a while when he was small and I was never included in the friendships there, never invited on the girls nights out etc. I often feel very sad that I have no friends; except for my family there's no one. I don't think there's anything wrong with me??!!

I think it can be quite hard unless you really push yourself on people and for that you have to be confident and not fear rejection. Means you end up with a lot of very confident and loud friendship groups who ignore the more shy people. And the more shy people don't get the opportunity to really connect.

I am very shy. I also think I may give off an air of aloofness without knowing how or why. Whatever the cause, some people, usually the bubbly ring-leader social type, very often takes a big and instant dislike to me and before I know it, I'm rejected and no one wants to know. My best friend was my mum; we were very close. She died this time last year, very unexpectedly. :(

Emily White's book is very good and she has a (not quite so good because she doesn't update it often enough) blog here.
She distinguishes between two forms of loneliness: social loneliness?you don't have a circle of friends?and emotional loneliness?you don't have a partner/confidante. Not sure how helpful I find that but some of you may relate to it. But I remember when I had a DP and would talk about being lonely he would complain that that was hurtful, why should I be lonely, when I had him? Which made it worse, because I felt guilty and because he didn't understand.

Fiendishlie - I am so sorry about your mum. I can imagine how hard it must be.

Lesser - that's very interesting. I think I agree, and unforunately suffer from both !

I do remember that when my husband left me, I was trying to be all strong and positive, and I thought to myself that if only I made a big effort, I would soon be surrounded by a close circle of friends and would not feel lonely. Unfortunately life is not that simple.

I've lived here for the last 10 years and i can honestly say i have no real friends. i know people from work and other mums but these are not people i would consider true friends.

I think that when you're little its so much easier as you are constantly surrounded by your peers at school etc and so friendship is (usually) easier.

I suppose when i moved here people already had their friendship groups which i can't seem to break into. I don't want to appear needy and i can't exactly do what kids do and ask 'will you be my friend?'

well i could but i think i'd get odd looks!

maybe friendship when you are older (well making new friends anyway) is just different and you have to accept that the intense friendships made when you are younger just won't happen anymore?

Bellini, I agree, it would be SO much easier if as an adult you were still allowed to just approach people and say 'Will you be my friend?' The ways in which people identify and make friends are quite mysterious to me. I identify with Jenny Diski when she writes (I'm paraphrasing) 'I have rarely become friends with anyone unless they're the one who's made more of an effort.' In other words, most of my friends initiated and pursued the friendship, not me. I just don't get how you do it. I'm very grateful that other people do though or I wouldn't know most of the wonderful people I do!

Well if any one is lonely in the Peak District, PM me and I will gladly meet you for a chat and coffee and buns or ice cream, or whatever makes you smile!

Bellini - I think you are right when you say that people who have existing frienship groups are not keen to make new friends. I am friendly with people from work, but out of the actual friends that I have managed to make in London not one is English. I think the reason is clear - they are all people who have been forced to make new friends.

I am lonley, I am married and Dh is pretty ok he has lots of friends (most from school) were mid thirtys. He has hobbies and works for a huge company. I have our flat & 3 kids - Its actually worse for me now as its summer holidays as at least when i picked up dd from school somone 'might' speak to me.
Now i often dont speak to anyone other than DH or the kids for days. He dosnt get it - he probebly speaks to over hundred people each day.... I came home and cried once as the lad in the coop had a chat with me - first person to speak to me in 3 days!! I have to be extra nice to DH as if he gets moody with me i litrally have no one to talk to. unless i want another conversation about which type of pokenmon is best, or a game of jake and the pirates in the garden.

i have tried honest i dont think there is anything wrong with me ;) I take the twins to play group but am usally kept busy with them and people dont bother with me. ALL the twin mums at our antinatal joined NCT classes 18 couples (we couldnt afford them) and i was just excluded from the group.

I think it can become a vicious circle, though, people are very keen to maintain their surface of happy family, happy friends, happy children and chat about that, but being a true friend can mean opening up a bit. It gets harder to do that, I think when you have children, and chit-chat often remains at the surface. I was talking with an old friend the other day about hard times, which we've both had recently, and she said 'no-one ever seems to have problems' in her circle of mummy friends and she often goes away thinking how badly she is doing stuff. I think you have to be prepared to open up a bit to take a friendship to the next level, and perhaps not be so worried about looking bad/a bit bonkers/the best parent in the world/having the happiest marriage.

I don't mean moaning, or putting your problems on your friends, just being truthful about how life is for you. That's why I wouldn't go on Facebook, because I think a lot is for display and makes people feel worse that they didn't all have a 'huge family bbq with the cousins' on the weekend.

I felt a bit lonely recently, no good friends around and allies from work moved away (tonnes of old friends but all busy with their lives). I practically stalked this mum in the playground and suggested a coffee- it did work but it was hard work.

.

Ah coffeedog, your story sounds the same as mine. It's nice to know we're not alone

I wish DH and I had more couple friends...people who wouldcome round for a BBQ etc. I have mentioned this to friends buthey never seem keen. I can't think why.

Do you know wha I may do? I may have a party...just to do it...say at Christmastime....it makes me quake just thinking of being a host..because I am shy and have low self esteem..but if I invited everyone I know, and laid on nice food and Christmassy drinks....I bet some would come and have a good time.

I think I might do it....as I get older I get more need to be in a big group....I never had that and so I still am not part of a big bunch of people..

I have spent a lot of years travelling and coming home to settle in the UK in an area that is unfamiliar to us has been quite hard.
In fact we are moving soon to see if we can find somewhere a bit friendlier! We are feeling very isolated and I have been forced to do out of character things like joining certain hobby groups. (I really am not a joiner of things and I hate inane small-talk so I must have been really desperate!)

It is interesting what you say Daydreaming because most of the new acquaintances I have made lately are actually not English. Is that because the English are unsociable frosty gits?
Or is it because foreigners make more of an effort to be friendly?
I don't know - I think it could be a bit of both.

Some of these posts have made me well up.

I am lonely. We live abroad, and I have a circle of Mummy friends that took a long time to cultivate, but it feels like a business arrangement. It doesn't help that I am a lot older than most of them.

I too long for the sort of easy intimacy that I used to have with my best friends, with whom I have sadly lost touch. I think that what Bellini says is right, in that you will never make that sort of friendship again. But what do we do for the next 40 odd years?

I am alone a lot. Most of the time really. (Not counting DS who is 11 months)
Sometimes I am lonely, too. Sometimes I feel fine just the way it is. I prefer being alone to having to pretend at stuff just for the sake of company.

I know I can be a great friend, I've had fantastic friendships in the past, but now I live in a different country, so those ties are much looser. I've been in England for 5 years and there is one person who I'd call a friend but she is in a very different stage of life to me (child free by choice). Also, she or I will probably be moving abroad at some point in the mid-term future.

I know there are other lonely people out there, and it's silly really - all of us sitting there feeling lonely and we'd love to have someone to just pop in to and chat. But how do you get beyond the 'knowing someone from playgroup' stage? I mean, all those mums at playgroup, some of them are bound to be there to meet people and make friends. Somehow I never even get to know anyone well enough to share phone numbers. It just feels so.. odd... to say 'hey why don't we meet up for coffee one day, here's my number' to mums from playgroup who I feel I barely know. And then, how to move from meeting for coffee to becoming friends? Like, I've been seeing my NCT group a lot. We do lots of activities together, some I see at swimming class, some at music sessions, the likes. But somehow they all seem to have moved on and formed close relationships. Whereas I somehow just didn't. Now that everyone is going to start going back to work, they will still be seeing each other, but I won't, because there won't be swimming classes and music sessions anymore.
Yes, I do think it probably has something to do with fear of rejection. Somebody needs to show at least a slight bit of interest in me before I go all out and try to 'befriend' them. Probably I come across to other lonely people out there as similarly uninterested in new friends as everybody seems to appear to me...

Oh I don't think we will necessarily not make that sort of intimate friendships again. I know my mum made some extremely good new, intimate friendships when we kids were teenagers. There is hope :)