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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can we talk about loneliness?

186 replies

Daydreaming · 28/07/2011 11:02

This is not really a AIBU...

Just spotted an article that has really struck a chord with me, about loneliness:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2019545/The-loneliness-epidemic-Attractive-successful--years-EMILY-WHITE-felt-profoundly-Why-honest-problem-blights-lives.html

I am 30 something and for the last few years I have felt quite lonely. I am sure I am not the only one. Like the writer of that article, I too had short episodes of feeling a bit lonely in my teens and 20s, but nothing like this. I have a professional job and I think I am reasonably interesting/attractive, but circumstances are such that I spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

I know that some of it is to do with the fact that I am not from the UK originally, so don't have any old school/uni friends here. I have loving parents, but they are not in the UK. I am a lone parent to a small child (not by choice). My DD is a great source of joy to me, but she is not a substitute for adult company.

I have two single female friends that I sometimes do things with. I also have two married friends, that I made through DD, but they are more playdate/family activity friends, rather than someone I could call on the weekend. And that's it.

A couple of weeks ago I had a weekend all to myself, without DD, and I was quite happy to read, etc. but I wished there was someone who could just pop over to have a cut of tea with me, etc.

Anyone else who can relate to this?

OP posts:
Meita · 29/07/2011 16:46

zukiecat, that's a pity, but I'll look out for you here on MN instead - small consolation, I know... but I've seen your name pop up on threads every now and then and will definitely now notice you and will say hello :)

zukiecat · 29/07/2011 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 29/07/2011 16:56

I moved from my home town and I don't want to sound snotty but I moved on quite a lot iyswim. Divorce, dramatic flight back home, supposed to be for a pitstop but here I am n years later (kids, couldn't move them here and there). The 'home town' lot are scattered around the country, hardly any here. I see one woman but she's the other side of town with a thick group of friends, impossible to break into. i had one friend in the same city and we talked endlessly on the phone because I couldn't go out, couldn't afford a babysitter. One day she said she 'went out with the girls last night' and I thought 'I'm a girl! why wasn't I invited!'. I should've said really.. but that put the kibosh (how do you spell that?) on that friendship. These days I would accept that friendship for what it was - not very close - though I felt at the time like an interesting book she got off the shelf and put back when it suited her. maybe that's what a lot of friendships are? and maybe there's nothing wrong with that. i wanted more at the time.

As another poster suggested, I don't flog a dead horse: if nothing is coming back, or people don't treat me well, clearly don't value my friendship, i'm off. I don't throw a wobbly - no point, you just look sad - just stop investing effort into it. I think I must have one of the worst stories of tentatively trying to make a friend: I once suggested to a woman that we could meet for a coffee sometime and she looked absolutely horrified ( like this -> Shock) and said er NO!!! You've gotta laugh - i'd go mad if I tried to work that one out - could've been anything - but tbh would i want a friend whose social graces were non-existent? No Wink

springydaffs · 29/07/2011 17:01

" Even though internet friendships can be amusing, they are not sustaining."

Oh, I so agree wiht that! Sometimes I feel such an emptiness if I've spent too much time on here - like eating junk food [no offence intended!]. NOt sustaining at all.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret · 29/07/2011 17:14

I was going to make the junk-food analogy springy but then was interrupted by a dc Smile

Mumsnet friendships are KFC, a real friendship is a proper roast dinner. People spend a lot of time and energy posting on here and I understand why but if you're lonely it could so much more profitably be put to forging new friendships.

NoelEdmundshair · 29/07/2011 17:23

I've had many lonely, frustrating years trying to make friends. Then a couple of months ago I realised I couldn't be bothered any more - I can't tell you how liberating that feels! I've learned to enjoy my own company and, when DH is at work and DD at school, I'm now content to do stuff on my own. If they ever dump me I'll just get a cat and a dog Smile.

Hugs to everyone on this thread

happy2bhomely · 29/07/2011 17:41

I've not read the whole thread so sorry if I'm repeating it, but it is possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by friends or snuggled on the sofa with a loved one. Sometimes it's something in you that can't be filled by other people. You don't necessarily need to meet more people but maybe try to deepen any relationships you already have.

I have no friends.

I do have 4 sisters who are my best friends.

mrspear · 29/07/2011 17:49

I am so lonely that it hurts.

Yes i go to playgroups with DS but they are just not real friends.

In fact the only people i call are my mum and my DH, even DH is now rejecting me. He has stopped coming home and when he does he waits until i am in bed (he rings to check!). He always has an excuse to not be here on his days off.

There must be something really wrong with me. The worst thing is i don't want DS to be like me.

Aislingorla · 29/07/2011 17:55

mrspear, could you be depressed?
You need to talk with your DH about feeling rejected. Or talk to your Mum/GP.

piratecat · 29/07/2011 17:56

op, i can relate. very much so.

my dd is also a great joy to me, but after 6 single yrs, after my ex dh left, i havent found anyone to give my 'other' love to, heartfelt, and physical.

I too have a few lovely friends, which i am grateful for but like you no family, they r abroad.

i plod along, and as each yr goes by i get more and more shocked at my sitch and my singleness. I don't won't to give up hope, but it's hard to see it happening.

Oblomov · 29/07/2011 18:01

I too am lonely. I seek deep and meaningfull friendships. I can do chit-chat in the playground, and I do, but thats not what I want. I have a best friend. I tell her everything. I need more friends like her. I have a close friend from school. I tell her everything, but don't see her often. And i made friends with a school mum who lives round the corner and she pops in for a coffeee and we do the school run together atleast once a week. But I have noticed recently that some of the really important things, big things , she didn't tell me. her dh told my dh that he had been depressed, lost his job, how tight money was. I was so sad. That she hadn't been able to , or hadn't wanted to tell me. I like to think that anyone can tell me anything. But this friendship, whilst nice, is not the depth I desire.

we need someone to be a matchmaker on this thread. we could be eachother's best friends !!
No, seriously, that COULD work, atleast for a few of us.

mrspear · 29/07/2011 18:04

Yes i am depressed. I am depressed at being lonely and depressed that my husband doesn't see any problem with using our home like a hotel and living like a single man. But what i really want is a real friend so i can go out without DS once in a while for a gossip and a laugh, i mean DS is lovely but you can't have a conversation with him!

mrspear · 29/07/2011 18:06

Oh and the GPs round here are too trigger happy with SS referrals and i really don't need that too

springydaffs · 29/07/2011 18:32

"we need someone to be a matchmaker on this thread. we could be eachother's best friends !!"

I think something like this could work but it would have to be groups. Bit of pressure meeting up with someone and you've both admitted you're lonely - the pressure to be good buds would be a bit intense!

Wouldn't it be great if we could get the rabidly-stigmatised word, the L word, to be cool somehow?? I'm in dreamland here but if there's one thing I hate it's shame and there is soooo much shame attached to loneliness imo. As if it wasn't bad enough that we feel the very real effects of a lack of meaningful human contact, there's the shame loaded on top that makes us feel absolutely terrible. I'm not surprised that a poster said it made her physically ill - I think the shame, blame, self-recriminatiomn ("what's wrong with me?") can be absolutely deadly.

I would just like it if the L word - LONELY - could be cool somehow. Kind of heroic Wink

springydaffs · 29/07/2011 18:48

Sorry, that was my slant on loneliness there - re lack of human contact. The existential variety - lonely in a crowd - does, I think, have a slight kudos to it? That's not to say any form is worse, or better, of course

mummyosaurus · 29/07/2011 18:55

I think TV can sometimes give us unrealistic expectations of how adult life should be.

Has anyone's life ever been like "Friends"?

Does anyone have friends like they had at school, with the same closeness, as grown ups? We don't have the same amount of time to put into friendships as we did then. I just wonder if it's unrealistic to expect the same level of closeness.

I can't help wondering if we are all imagining that everyone else has really close, great friendships ("Friends" style), when really we are all about the same.

Esta3GG · 29/07/2011 19:05

springydaffs - an excellent slant it is too! Yes loneliness is such a complex issue - as evidenced by all the different experiences on here.
Work has always been a primary source of friends for me but as I now work from home I have become lazy about forging new relationships I suppose.
I am also very good at being alone - crave it a lot of the time - which can be quite self defeating.

NewYorkBellini · 29/07/2011 19:30

I agree with mummyosaurus maybe making new really close friends as an adult is unrealistic?

Although just someone to have coffee with would be nice, someone who then invites me for coffee - i hate having to do all the inviting!

I'm not a stalker honest!

Fiendishlie · 29/07/2011 19:47

Springydaffs I've had the same reaction to the 'would you like to go for coffee' question about 4 times before I decided to give up :(
Mrspear hugs

menagerie · 29/07/2011 19:58

I just want to put in a word here, in favour of net friendships. A couple of years ago I was beside myself with loneliness. I had a wide local circle of 'acquaintances' who never made anything other than very basic chit chat and who took turns, like school girls, in ousting one then another woman from their little clique, and bitch horribly about each other when backs are turned.

In desperation I turned to net forums, where I could be myself, speak my mind and ditch the inane chatter. I met a couple of really lovely women online, then met them in the flesh. They don't live on my doorstep, but near enough to meet about once or twice a month and we get on so well. We've been on holiday together and met each other's families and feel absolutely in tune with each other. One has no kids, the other has kids much older than mine so in the normal school run of things (I work from home) our paths wouldn't have crossed. Without the net we'd never have met at all and I'm so glad they did. I still get that cold feeling of loneliness within my village but a cosy glow when I remember there are friends I love who love me and we have much more in common than just kids of the same age at the same school.

duli · 29/07/2011 20:13

waw, i thought i'm the only one who is alone!!
i liked your answer Punkatheart... i get the same feeling most of the time, especially that i have a really friendly child who'd go to everyone and want to join in playing with other kids but some parents don't like because they are in the park to spend quality time with thier own kids!! which i can't blame too....
but it is hard unless you pack your day with so many things to do!!

kayah · 29/07/2011 20:26

I am in Wallington which is in Surrey but in London too :)

If anyone wants to PM me I am very keen to meet new friends :)

xmyboys · 29/07/2011 20:34

interesting thread to read and feel a bit like this at times.

misty0 · 29/07/2011 20:34

Maybe anyone who is genuinely up for a group meet should just be brave, bite the bullet and post their rough location here - now!

Like ...... Banbury, Oxfordshire Grin

Meglet · 29/07/2011 20:46

yes, I can relate to it. I'm a LP with 2 small kids. I work P/T but it's hard to socialise with work mates as I don't have many people who can look after the kids, even my lunch breaks are taken up with making phone calls / errands / organising myself.

On the flip side I don't get to see my 'mummy' friends anymore now I work. I quite enjoyed my maternity leave as I got to chat to people all the time.

I've had one phone call from a friend in 5 years. I see my mum a few times a week and she phones me every day but that's pretty much it. My sister lives a mile away and I've seen her once in a month, she puts her friends above me. However I do know loads of people, I can't walk down the road without bumping into someone I know and having a chat. It's just that people have their own lives so I wouldn't want to pester them to be friends.