Can we talk about loneliness?

[Daydreaming]

This is not really a AIBU...

Just spotted an article that has really struck a chord with me, about loneliness:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2019545/The-loneliness-epidemic-Attractive-successful--years-EMILY-WHITE-felt-profoundly-Why-honest-problem-blights-lives.html

I am 30 something and for the last few years I have felt quite lonely. I am sure I am not the only one. Like the writer of that article, I too had short episodes of feeling a bit lonely in my teens and 20s, but nothing like this. I have a professional job and I think I am reasonably interesting/attractive, but circumstances are such that I spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

I know that some of it is to do with the fact that I am not from the UK originally, so don't have any old school/uni friends here. I have loving parents, but they are not in the UK. I am a lone parent to a small child (not by choice). My DD is a great source of joy to me, but she is not a substitute for adult company.

I have two single female friends that I sometimes do things with. I also have two married friends, that I made through DD, but they are more playdate/family activity friends, rather than someone I could call on the weekend. And that's it.

A couple of weeks ago I had a weekend all to myself, without DD, and I was quite happy to read, etc. but I wished there was someone who could just pop over to have a cut of tea with me, etc.

Anyone else who can relate to this?

I'm North London / Herts and would love to meet up for a coffee. I like the idea of a group on FB too!

I imagine we all do something to try to make it better - I go out if my wAy to chat to parents at the part and have regular contact by phone/ text/ email with far-flung friends but it's not the same as having a real person in the room with you, chatting over a cup of tea.

I've only just read the article too. Very good article, making it clear that loneliness is endemic but that everybody is putting on a front, pretending we've got thriving social lives: Kings New Clothes! I certainly fake things, disguise the truth - not exactly lie but don't tell the truth either, mysterious about where I've been, what I've been up to (usually visiting the supermarket or my parents ). I've heard of the book she's written but was frightened to read it as she really did suffer from the most appalling loneliness. She came through though, her story has a good ending and that gives me hope. Noticeable that she can only talk about it when it was over, not at the time. She writes well about the appalling stigma around loneliness.

My heart goes out to everybody on here. Sending you all compassion/goodwill in spades xx

i have just remembered as a child (11-13yo) calling the speaking clock just to hear someones voice (my parents worked long hours and left me at home alone all day in the hols and after school)- how sad is that?! christ what a loser!

It appears on reflection i have often been lonely and always found it difficult to make friends. I wonder why. i shall have to review.

I am starting a new temp job on Monday and i am hoping to make friends (as always), but it often is an office full of women who all go off to lunch together and leave me to cover the phones. They don't bother learning my name, just introduce me as 'the temp'!!

Spuddybean, I am the same. I don't have a single person who I could call a friend. Oh heck, I'd better start learning to play the violin!

Seriously though, I don't. I sometimes look through the contacts on my mobile if I am feeling really lonely but there isn't ever anybody who I can call - how sad is that.

Continuum, that's great. We moved down to the far south west 18 months ago and went from a lovely church where there was always somebody friendly to a church where hardly anybody says hello where you just feel more and more isolated.

If I hadn't committed to bringing up the DCs in a church family I would not go. I keep persevering but it doesn't get any better. All 3 DCs are settled well there and are part of the church community but I am, as ever, on the fringes.

A few people recently have moved to the area but they are "London Yummy Mummies" - yes that is how one of them introduced herself. They don't need to go to work and they come to church. They were spotted looking round the church school the other week, one with cheque book in hand - I kid you not, sadly. Not much scope for friendship there, they have made it quite clear that I am not as good as them. Unfortunately they are right.

They've got you summed up perfectly, haven't they vivid? You're definitely not 'as good as them' - you're infinitely better than they are and I suspect that you have superior conversational skills too

izzywhizzy....if only. but thank you.

Reading through all the posts, I think there is a common theme - the fact that most of us haven't always felt this way, but that having children, moving, relationship breakdowns, etc have put us in this position.

Piratecat, it sound like your circumstances are very similar to mine. I have been alone now for 5 years and am very tired of it. I am doing ok, have days when I feel reasonably contented, but I don't ever have those moments of pure happiness, which I used to have a long time ago....

These are so sad to read.

If anyone is in Sheffield, i'd like to meet up.

x

Just read the last few posts - vivid you could try a different church? The kids are settled at that one sure but you are in London and there are so many congregations here - I know it seems like an odd idea but why not? The congregations around my way are so wildly different even between churches that are next to each other - it seems a shame that you feel tied to one where you feel uncomfotable just because of the children. Most have evening services and weekday services and all sorts - even different times for Sunday service. Worth thinking about maybe

Oh whoops sorry not in London. I misread. But there must be other congregations...

Sorry for barging into the thread, as usual I should have read properly.

Marking my place here :) I have so much to say on this interesting thread but I'm knackered so will wait till tomorrow.

I feel lonely all the time. DH works nights and doesn't like to socialise with my friends. Feel very much the single parent with my mummy friends who are all busy with their OHs on the weekend and my single friends are off doing fun things and don't want to hang out at my house or the park, so is often just me and DCs who are under 2. The internet is your friend!!!

I do make an effort to take DCs to every social event possible and they have adapted well to sleeping in travel cots at friend's houses. But feel mean for dragging them out with me on the odd occasion. Family live on other side of country, I live in London.

I also like the idea of a FB group which may be great place to virtually get together :)

I have thought about changing, but this is a "one horse town"

Maybe a FB gp is a good idea. I'm off out now so can't set one uptil later but will join if someone else does one in the meantime.

I'm going for a lovely girly day out - lunch, blubbery picking, pimms I'm the garden... With my sister

I am what many of you would describe as the Mum with seemingly lots of friends, lots to say at the school gates / coffee mornings etc. I find smalltalk extremely easy and get invites to playdates and coffees.

However to be frank, inside I am in knots about it all and these Women are in no way true friends.

It's like someone else said about never talking about the bad times with these people, really opening up and truly being yourself with special friends who love you for you without all the frills and fakeness (if that's even a word?). These Mums are all -on the surface- very wealthy, happy, look great and have no problems in the way I would consider a "problem". The conversations are incredibly superficial, what there is always a positive spin on everything they do even when it is in no way positive iyswim. They talk about family BBQs, outings, grand holidays. I smile along with it all, I fit in in terms of lifestyle I suppose but deep down I know I am not like them and I feel like the secret misfit although I am nodding and smiling along and agreeing.

It is also a minefield with regards to offending people and I noticed that certain Mums are invited to certain things and left out of others so it's all worked out very politically which is again quite stressful.

There was a lady I liked v much and got close to but she moved away (and commented how great it was to get out of the claustophobia of it all. I envy here in some ways. Although it's great for DD and she doesn't know it's like water torture for her Mum.

I feel like I would swap this group of friends for just one true one. When DD starts a new school I am just not going to try so hard with all the friendships and just retreat a bit.

Things really aren't what they seem are they? I am surrounded by "friends" but v lonely in my heart and soul.

@Scarlett

" I fit in in terms of lifestyle I suppose but deep down I know I am not like them and I feel like the secret misfit although I am nodding and smiling along and agreeing".

But what if deep down at least some of them "know" they are not like you, given that you're behaving in the same way on the surface as they are? I have increasingly found that as soon as you admit you have some sort of problem, someone else is sure to admit the same.. all a question of who is brave enough to go first? sometimes?

I was brave/foolish enough last year to take time out of work to study part time, and for once have been completely upfront with people in the school queue about the weeks when I've been struggling/feel stupid/ am exhausted etc etc. And you'd be surprised what even some of the most glamorous mothers have to say about loss of self esteem through not working; the grind of having to keep up appearances; what they are going to do once the children get older, etc. etc.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. I only wish I'd realised that 20 years ago.

Really interesting thread. If anyone is in Bristol or nearby and wants to meet up, send me a message. I moved from London about six months ago and am finding it really difficult to make any headway. I can't be the only single working parent in this city surely? But sometimes that it what it feels like.

All my friends seem so far away now and it would be good to have more of a local network.

Reading this thread has made me realise that I'm in the same boat as many of you. Moved back to the UK 18 months ago after six years living OS and moved to a new area where I know no one. DH is at work all the time and I'm a SAHM with two kids, one a small baby, and I'm so bloody lonely sometimes. DH doesn't understand at all and thinks I have all this free time when I could be going out and making friends. He, meanwhile, meets loads of people all the time and has a great after-work social life, of which I am

I just feel so distant from all my old London/school/uni friends, all of whom have moved on in some capacity since I left the UK back in 2004. Some have moved OS and all, bar none, have moved out of London and are now spread all over the home counties and are busy with work, kids, etc and it's really hard to get together because we all have so many restrictions on our time. I've always been really sociable and friendly, so I'm finding it utterly depressing to be so socially isolated. Being home with children all the time makes me feel so bloody boring too and like I'm really out of touch with 'real life'. Ho hum. I'm in the N.London/Herts area too, so if there are a few of us perhaps we should get together!

legal I have opened up, esp at the begining when I was new to the crowd and area but the response was frosty and they really didn't empathise with me.

I soon learned that the one with the problems and stress didn't stay welcome for very long.

I found out the hard way at the school gates that you do not tell the truth about what is really going on in your life. And I don't mean unbearable angst - I mean if your mother had just died and someone said 'hi! how are you!' you say FINE THANKS, HOW ARE YOU. Nothing more

V true - someone I know expressed annoyance over someone getting upset over a recent bereavement in front of her.

I'm so lonely I could cry.
I have moved far too many times.
And apparently I talk about things "we"don't "do", do things "we" don't do and so on.
Bugger it all.