Can we talk about loneliness?

[Daydreaming]

This is not really a AIBU...

Just spotted an article that has really struck a chord with me, about loneliness:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2019545/The-loneliness-epidemic-Attractive-successful--years-EMILY-WHITE-felt-profoundly-Why-honest-problem-blights-lives.html

I am 30 something and for the last few years I have felt quite lonely. I am sure I am not the only one. Like the writer of that article, I too had short episodes of feeling a bit lonely in my teens and 20s, but nothing like this. I have a professional job and I think I am reasonably interesting/attractive, but circumstances are such that I spend a lot of time feeling lonely.

I know that some of it is to do with the fact that I am not from the UK originally, so don't have any old school/uni friends here. I have loving parents, but they are not in the UK. I am a lone parent to a small child (not by choice). My DD is a great source of joy to me, but she is not a substitute for adult company.

I have two single female friends that I sometimes do things with. I also have two married friends, that I made through DD, but they are more playdate/family activity friends, rather than someone I could call on the weekend. And that's it.

A couple of weeks ago I had a weekend all to myself, without DD, and I was quite happy to read, etc. but I wished there was someone who could just pop over to have a cut of tea with me, etc.

Anyone else who can relate to this?

I so get this thread, don't think I have made a friend since I left college. I have moved away from where I grew up, here it is very middle class, I have made acquaintances who I chat to but no actual friends. There is a reason someone on twitter defined "a unit of derision" as my town .

I like to think moving home would solve it, but it probably wouldn't. I have 4 sisters and sadly lost my Mum in 2007, she was the only person I could really open up to. I even feel rejected by my sisters, two of them even when I lived close were always going on holiday/trips together, but view me as some kind of annoyance. One sister visited and proceeded to mostly ignore me and walk 10 paces ahead at all times (she is very superficial) . They are visiting again in 2 weeks god help me.

I have no friends locally. We moved here ten years ago and have really struggled to develop any social life. People in this town are only interested in people they went to school with or who they have known since they were little kids. My DH became disabled, lost his job and had to retire, and we had to move here, away from where we did have friends, so that I could be nearer my job as I was being forced to travel too far and was getting exhausted with it all.

I tried to make friends through work and did have a little success there, but then moved jobs a couple of years ago and no-one seems to live in the area. I do have a few friends who live a long way away, but have to keep in touch with them through social media as I suffer from a chronic illness now and cannot speak on the phone.

As my illness gets worse and worse, I am becoming really isolated. I struggle to get to work and cannot speak to anyone in more than a tiny whisper. So I cannot interact in the staffroom at all. I cannot go to any social events at work as I can't speak and can't eat in front of people (I cough uncontrollably when I eat and am often sick when I cough).

My only friends are my DH, my Mum (getting very old) and my two DSs - particularly the younger one. He is now at Uni and I am so happy for him, but miss him so much in term-time as he is such a fantastic support. But I shouldn't have to rely on him so much, I should have female friends my own age!!!

I have since teens always felt very lonely, I don't really put myself out there because I am too afraid of what people think of me and get very intimidated by other women.

I feel very isolated. I work full time and I don't know any other adults in the small village we live in. Come the school holidays when I am not at work I don't have any adult conversations for 6 weeks.

I've been reading this thread and the replies since I posted; some really interesting points of view and different perspectives. I've wanted to comment but not sure how to phrase it.

But reading NotQuiteSoDesperate's post, I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. It really brings home to me how many people are out there coping with really shitty situations with no support whatsoever.

I've been trying to think about the reasons why I don't reach out to make friends very much, and also why, when reading posts on here that say "when you find a potential friend, pursue pursue pursue", I feel an instinctive urge to withdraw withdraw withdraw. It's not because I don't want any more friends, but I think that it's the perceived expectation that scares me; I don't want to disappoint a friend by being emotionally unavailable when they want/need me, but I have finite amounts of emotional engagement to offer. Does that make sense? I know that I am a good friend; I'm crap at keeping in touch, which is what I was thinking earlier whilst reading this thread ("Oh I'm a shit friend, I don't ring anyone for months, and it's always them (my three closest friends) who ring me, not vice versa"). But if they need me, emotionally, then I am absolutely there for them. One of my close friends recently had a full on emotional situation and I was on the phone to her several times a day, every day, until the situation was 'resolved'.

I think it's the fact that once I consider someone a friend, I will be there for them no matter what, that puts me off making new friends. It's not selfishness, as someone upthread claimed; it's knowing my own limitations and how much (in terms of resources) I have to give. Some days I feel very sociable, and able to chat, emote, empathise and give. And some days I just really, really don't. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone that I don't have to. It's nothing personal; it's about me. But it means I'm reluctant to make plans ahead to go for coffee, or have someone 'pop round' who isn't intimate enough for me to say "I feel SHIT today, and the house is a fucking tip". You have to know someone fairly well to say that...

I find it really poignant that there are so many people on here that are feeling this loneliness and isolation so keenly. Does this mean that you would accept each other's foibles and weaknesses, then? If the other person turned up for coffee and said "actually I feel like fucking crap today; worst mother in the world and could barely drag myself out of bed" (ie how I feel quite often ), could you then empathise and laugh about it with them, rather than judge?

If so, I'm also in NW Surrey (Hi Meita! ). Honest, open friendships only though, please, who don't mind that I come as a package with my dog, sometimes don't answer the phone because I can't bear to talk to anyone, and often get overexcited and talk too much.

Yep good article , can relate i was lonley in my 30s as went through divorce and being single parent, it does get better the older you get as you become more content with your life but recognise who is important, to me that is my family , and a few close friends who i know i can call on and tell them anything if i needed , but i think everyone is lonely in there own way, just maybe not acknowledge it as that.

I am lonley. I struggle to connect with people. The other day I took Ds to the park and a group of mums from Playgroup were there. They are all nice to me but I am not one of them. I don't know why exactly. I think people can't be bothered with me, I don't know why though.

i want to join your thread. i am a single sahm to ds 5 & dd 3 and although i usually get at least one night off (when dc are at gp's) i usually have no where to go and no one to go anywhere with. don't suppose any of you are in the south west? :)

I so understand what you are all saying, I too am very rarely alone but I feel very lonely just about all the time. I have got lots of aquantancies and I know lots of people (have lived in the same place for my whole life) but I havn't realy got many friends. I have massive issues with trust and fear of abandonment-I rarely let any one get close to me or me close to them cos then they can't let you down. I have been let down by more people than I can count and this is my rather stupid way of coping with it

I live rurally, in a village where everyone judges you without actually talking to you. I trusted someone once and then they just judged me and they seemed to enjoy spreading crap about me but was too stupid to realise someone would actually tell me about it later. I have a houseful - 4 kids and hubby out at work. Got people who i speak to ...but dont really know. I dont smoke or really drink a lot, cant afford to go out on a night out if and when i have been invited so feel left out. Kids have special needs which people just dont understand so the kids scare anyone off who does come around.
i do get depressed and down listening to everyone else having fun in their gardens with their family and friends in the summer and all im doing is housework.

I'm in Göteborg if anyone fancies popping over to Sweden for a coffee :o

I'm very lonely. I have about two people I would consider "real" friends. One lives hundreds of miles away, the other has made zero effort since she met her partner six months ago.

I know plenty of people male and female....people i've known for years, but i'm single and they are not. They are all joined at the hip and wont leave each other's sight...they certainly dont want me around!

I lost my job two years ago and it infuriates me when i'm told to get off my arse and get a job because I certainly wouldn't choose to sit in this house all day on my own not speaking to anyone.

I wake up, spend all day on my own in the house, kids come back from school, ds mostly ignores me, dd plays, I have about 2 days a year without my dc and I sit in the house alone. My family never ring me, I just about exist. I dont go out socially.

I thought to myself a few weeks ago "well, perhaps I should make more of an effort, perhaps I come across as unfriendly", so I texted a friend suggesting we do something once a month maybe..(could be anything, coffee, a meal, we used to play squash for example and we were both crap but it was fun..I know she goes to spinning classes and things with her friend from work). She didn't even bother to reply. I saw her online about a week after and left her a message...no reply. It really put me off tbh, i'm not going to beg for someone's friendship.

I'm not sure how I ended up like this, I think i'm a pretty good friend. I'm a good listener and always try to help if I can but i've been taken advantage of before and i'm less tolerant these days, did cut people out who were causing me drama.

Sometimes I could blardy scream!!

So many of us feel the same isolation don't we? And everyone seemed to think it was just them.

I think this hit me most as my children grew older. When they are young you tend to see other parents and have activities that involve others, as they grow your involvement in their lives becomes less. When they leave home it is very hard to make friends, many of the people we know here have friendships they've had since school so are not very open to others and quite a few couples have split since their children left.

Oddly enough, most people would say that I have loads of friends and couldn't possibly be lonely but they are not relationships of any depth and, like many of you, I feel I could vanish tomorrow and they would not miss me. Even DP and my DCs would be surprised to know I feel this way.

I suppose the solution is to be more self-sufficient but it is hard to achieve.

I only just read the article. It is so hard to admit to being lonely.

On Facebook, I have a pretty small friend list compared to most, but i'd rather rip my fingernails out than admit i'm lonely. Because if I did, there must be something wrong with me yes? So I fudge along with the occasional status and i'm always amazed when someone comments or likes it!

I have so much empathy with this. I am orig. from down south but now live in a village up north. As much as I put on a bravodo face I am lonely too. I go to playgroups etc. but don't seem to have really connnected to the local mums. I would love to find a mum with a 2 - 3 yr old in the area. HAPTON VILLAGE, LANCS,...

I read a book about loneliness once (seriously hid it in the bookshelf, stuffed down the back) and the only thing I remember about it is the author saying to think of all the lonely people in your area, assuring the reader that there are many, for many reasons. Then sending out compassion/goodwill to all those who are suffering with loneliness, realising that we are in a club, we aren't isolated with no-one in the same position. We may be like someone I knew once who, back in the day, set up a support group for agrophobics and the members couldn't attend the meetings (...), but it was a great solace to them all that it existed.

Actually I'm in SW Surrey, not NW. Just rereading thread with benefit of sobriety.

Offer still stands though.

NotQuiteSoDesparate, hugs. Whereabouts in the country do you live?

i can totally relate to this and feel heartbreaking loneliness most of the time. I divorced 2 years ago and my husband was seeing my best friend. I had never been a 'big circle of friends' person but had 4 close friends from primary school (we had all been godparents/bridesmaids, gone on hols etc) and their partners who i also adored.

Well, they dropped me like a hot brick and none ever returned a call or email since i left my husband (don't know if they were embarrassed as they new what was going on etc) despite desperate messages from me saying i didn't blame them and desperately needed them.

My new DP is also an only child like me, so we have no extended family. He has recently left the army and his mates now don't contact him either. His parents have mental health issues and after meeting me a few times banned me from their house based on a comment about battery eggs.

My parents have animals and my DP is allergic so we can never go to visit them and they wont visit us as who would look after the pets.

I was made redundant and have done some temp work but find it really hard to make friends now. I also cant afford to join clubs go out to meals etc.

It seems odd to people to be 34 and totally friendless but i am. I actually don't even have acquaintances.

I am very upset at the moment as my DP and i want to get married but I have realised we'd be lucky if we had 6 people to invite. So it will be a very dull 'celebration' in front of 'all our family and friends'.

My first wedding was full of people and laughter and dancing and children and now i have no one.

The other day DP said he was concerned at how much time i spent on MN and said he was worried because it was as if i was lonely! I said that's because i am! Heartbreakingly soul crushingly lonely. (he isn't - he travels with work and is a bit of a loner anyway) He just doesn't understand though?

I am isolated and on my own in a new area. So it's not even like i have the security of familiar surroundings. I know if i were to die there would only be 3 people at my funeral.

What an interesting thread. I gas mp idea so many people felt like this.

Im lonely. I moved here 2 yes ago but everyone has lived here forever so they all have their social groups. I am a love patent so can't easily go out in the evenings and I work full time. Work colleagues are lovely but we dont go out and there's noone I could call for a chat. My best friend is my sister but i suspect she doesn't know that.

I have friends but they are all over the world. I want someone who can pop round for a cup of tea.

Argh, must find out how to turn off predictive text!

Spuddy that is so sad about your old friends, I can't believe that they would just drop you like that when you really needed them.

This thread is sad really. Although it is a relief to know that I am not the only one who doesn't have any friends.

May I make a suggestion if people want to actually try and remedy this situation a bit?

A while ago I was very ill and I encountered a group of women online through a health forum - we formed our own Private group on Facebook. I am not a user of FB - but the group turned out to be a very useful tool to enable a group of people to talk to each other and arrange to meet up in a safe, private environment.

I have made a couple of good friends out of it. We are not local to one another - but we speak regularly on the phone and by text and email and we meet up 3 or 4 times a year.
There was nothing pressured or false about it - in fact some of the women in the group I really didn't gel with and I don't participate in the FB group thing anymore.
That is perfectly ok - you are not compelled to get on with everyone.

Going to church "cured" me of my loneliness. Even though it's small there are lots of older people who care and are only too willing to listen, especially given families are so fragmented these days and they may not see much of their own. And we actually found two really good couple friends there with kids of similar ages, who had felt similarly isolated in one way or another.

Obviously that only works if there's some basic belief there/you're open to religion!! But the community and social aspect of church is a great antidote to modern living and when we were worried about dh's job earlier in the year the thought of moving yet somewhere else and knowing no-one was alleviated by the fact I knew there would be a welcoming community in a church and I would never be so fucking lonely and isolated as I have been in the past.