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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is a fucking twat

110 replies

LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 00:48

DH and I have had our issues and we're working on them. A few weeks ago we had 'the talk' and I explained that while my trust in him was gone I was willing to rebuild it if he was willing to try.

So DH goes out with his friend tonight and promises to be home at 11, 11:30 latest and will call if late. OK. Sounds good.

DH called at 10:30 and said he would be home in an hour and would call when leaving (he doesn't have a mobile at the moment so from a payphone). At 12:15 I call his friend who answers and I can hear a woman singing in the background. He hangs up straight away. I text asking if DH can call and let me know and no call or reply. I call again. Answerphone. Again. A woman talking and then the line's gone. Answerphone. Ring ring ring ring. Ring ring ring ring.

No call. Nobody is picking up their phone. No idea where they are. Almost 1am. He doesn't have keys so I'm at home waiting for him and I have to get up at 6am with a 3yo and a 7 month old.

AIBU to think he is a royal fucking cunty twat? Especially when he promised and knows our issues. Does he really not give a flying fuck? I'm actually crying.

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 28/07/2011 00:51

YANBU.

madhattershouse · 28/07/2011 00:52

Given the problems you have..yes hes being a cunt! If you were fine before I'd say it's a one off mistake, but clearly this is not the case and he should be trying to build bridges not widen the chasm! Lock the door and have a good nights sleep!

kayah · 28/07/2011 00:52

I think he knows you are mad and now is up to you to act how you think is right.

I would leave key under the mat and a note to him and went to sleep.

moonferret · 28/07/2011 00:53

He's rebelling big time!

harrygracejessica · 28/07/2011 00:54

I would make him get up with the kids!!

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 00:54

The last time he did this he was doing a gig (he was a drummer) and I was at home with his son, our daughter and I was pregnant. He promised to be home by 10pm. After various ways of trying to contact him and even sending a taxi to the pub in his name, he strolled in at 4:30am.

This is not the first lie, the first broken promise or the first huge asshat mistake he's made. I thought after our talk he cared but it turns out he couldn't give a fuck.

OP posts:
royaljelly · 28/07/2011 00:55

Did he have an affair? I think maybe you have some slight paranoia. Go to bed , leave the door open and ask him if he had a great time in the morning.

I ring my partner at around 10pm if I'm out and usually I don't get back till 2a.m. He is the same.

Maybe he is really enjoying the space away from kids and family (as we all do ) and time has got away from him?

madhattershouse · 28/07/2011 00:56

You had a talk...then he carried on as before. Again I say go to bed and let him suffer the consequences!

HerHissyness · 28/07/2011 00:56

Stop calling him.

Go to bed.

Sod the keys. let him sleep on the doorstep....

Why has he not got keys? My x used to do this, used to piss me right off, even if you go to bed, knackered, you still can't sleep properly as you are half waiting for the door bell.

You are not his mother waiting up for him, you are not his keeper to tell him when to come home. This is a supposedly grown man. It's his responsibility to be where he says he will be, when he says he will be. It's his job to make sure he supports you with the DC.

You told him that he needed to do certain stuff to regain your trust. He clearly didn't think you meant it, doesn't respect you enough to work hard at getting you back onside, or doesn't actually give a shit about anyone but himself.

Why IS your trust gone btw? women or just pratting about?

i think your TALK has not worked. next you need the WALK.

(((HUGS)))

JeremyVile · 28/07/2011 00:57

I don't know what has happened in the past to mean there are trust issues but do you really want to be issuing curfews to a grown man? Or to be calling his fiends to, what? Send him home? You're not his mum.

Surely better to just Let him know what you do and do not find acceptable, he can decide if that suits him or not and you can judge by his behaviour whether he is up to your level of expectation.

Marriage to someone who has to be herded up and reined in sounds pretty bloody grim. Why would either of you want it?

snippywoo2 · 28/07/2011 00:57

Is he home yet?

royaljelly · 28/07/2011 00:57

You don't say how old you are but there was a time when I didn't go out till 9.30pm, and 2 a.m. was an early leaving time???

sims2fan · 28/07/2011 00:58

YANBU. But calm down, so that you can give him a reasoned argument when he does get in and so he can't accuse you of being 'hysterical' and say things like 'I can't talk to you when you're being like this!' and try to turn it all on you.

Grab some tissues, wipe your face, make yourself a nice cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate, put the TV on and find some late night repeat of a mindless sitcom. Get a blanket, snuggle up on the sofa, and try not to think about him. Easier said than done I know, but have a go.

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 00:58

No he didn't have an affair but he did enough to make me think it was happening. It really ruined me and he likes to play head games by saying my issues are all in my head (I'm a manic depressive) and not realising how he does this to me.

I'm paranoid, yes. I know I shouldn't be but it's so hard to control.
Should I lock the door and go to bed or sleep on the sofa to wait up for him? I don't want to leave the door unlocked or a key under the mat because of the area we live in. It's not a bad area but it's not great.

OP posts:
flangeismyfaveword · 28/07/2011 00:59

OMG you sent a taxi??!! I bet that went down well
YABU if I was having a night out and my dp set me a time to be home I would defo ignore it.
I find it quite patronising that a grown person would have a curfew.
if it bothers you that much why dont you return the favour and have a stonking great girls nite out?

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 01:01

I didn't set him a time to be home, he told me he would be back for that time because of our issues, because I have fibromyalgia and am having a bad day and generally because we both need to be up early in the morning. He makes promises he can't keep. I wouldn't have minded if he called and said he'd be out later but when he's relying on me to stay up to let him in and doesn't call I get pissed.

OP posts:
JeremyVile · 28/07/2011 01:05

Why doesn't he have a key?

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 01:07

He does but he told me he wouldn't take it to prove he could be home when he says.

Wanker.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/07/2011 01:07

He doesn't give a fuck.

You have your answer.

Now lock the door, go to bed. You have a big day tomorrow planning the great life you're going to have without him.

flangeismyfaveword · 28/07/2011 01:09

Well if he has gone out without a key it is unreasonable for him to expect you to wait up.
just go to bed you will find him in the morning either in the hedge or the shed (as my dp has done) with a very sorry for himself face. Ignore this face it is not worth it.

And next time he goes out-give him a key?!

madhattershouse · 28/07/2011 01:09

Turn off the computer and go to bed! The later you are on here the more chance he will get away with it!

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 01:16

He just called. Said he's on his way home and he was with the other woman who caused my trust issues in a gay karaoke bar in town although he promised he'd not go there. He had no reason for his behaviour just that "it was loud".

Utter twat. I'm going to bed. Thank you all.

OP posts:
AmyStake · 28/07/2011 01:17

I'm sorry Op. Your DH is behaving like a sausage pocket.

If he wants to go out without a key, that's his decision. It will be his problem when he gets home, the house is locked and you're fast asleep. A night in the garden might give him food for thought!

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 04:09

He came home. Told me he wasnt in love with me anymore and couldnt deal with the prospect of my fibro getting worse. I was crying because I thought he did as he keeps telling me he does and n oi w I feel like a mug. Foolishly begged him to stay and he threw me across the room and stormed out. No idea where he is now. Sys he wants to separate.

Crying myself to sleep. Giving myself a headache. Feel so low

OP posts:
Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 04:11

Ignore typos. Am on my phone.

OP posts: