to think DH is a fucking twat

[LauLauLemon]

DH and I have had our issues and we're working on them. A few weeks ago we had 'the talk' and I explained that while my trust in him was gone I was willing to rebuild it if he was willing to try.

So DH goes out with his friend tonight and promises to be home at 11, 11:30 latest and will call if late. OK. Sounds good.

DH called at 10:30 and said he would be home in an hour and would call when leaving (he doesn't have a mobile at the moment so from a payphone). At 12:15 I call his friend who answers and I can hear a woman singing in the background. He hangs up straight away. I text asking if DH can call and let me know and no call or reply. I call again. Answerphone. Again. A woman talking and then the line's gone. Answerphone. Ring ring ring ring. Ring ring ring ring.

No call. Nobody is picking up their phone. No idea where they are. Almost 1am. He doesn't have keys so I'm at home waiting for him and I have to get up at 6am with a 3yo and a 7 month old.

AIBU to think he is a royal fucking cunty twat? Especially when he promised and knows our issues. Does he really not give a flying fuck? I'm actually crying.

wow, you sound a bit stronger at the moment. Or really pissed off.

What are you going to do then missus? I suggest a Fag and a cuppa, a good bitch with your sister and some kip.

You deserve better and getting through today will mean getting through the hardest bit. 'Giving him up' means a chance of re-gaining your self esteem, having a sense of wellbeing that is built around you and your girls. It also means the possibility of a much happier future with someone who is a loving and respectful partner, all of the time.

What feels like love certainly isn't always enough - being with him is damaging you emotionally (not to mention the physical issue). Where you and he are sounds like a bad cycle that's only going one way; downhill.

Take a deep breath, gather your strength and look to your sister, friends etc for support. One day you could look back on today as the first day of the rest of your life.. (hugs)

LauLau, it might not help much right now, but there are loads of us who have been in this situation and have come out the other side, and come out stronger, happier and more determined. All those good qualities you see in him I promise you will find eventually in another partner, but this one will not come with the awful added extras & will respect & value you as you deserve.

You need to find the inner strength and self-worth to get as far away from this man and this sort of unhealthy relationship as soon possible. Hopefully sooner rather than later, but until you are really ready then just stay safe.

This man sounds like a parasite and is treating you less than human. Would he treat anyone else in the world like this? No, because he knows no-one would accept it.

I really really hope things will get better for you.xxx

Laulau, what you advise a friend in your situation?

Imvho this man doesn't love you, blatantly has no respect for you and I would bet money he has been fucking about elsewhere.

Grab some self respect and get rid.

This man is treating you like shit and you are allpwing it. It doesnt matter if he is a good dad, he needs to be a good husband too. Any type of domestic violence is not acceptable, and I am not sure how that makes him a good dad. If he is prepared to throw you accross the room, what will happen if the kids are being a right pain and he goes for one of them? His treatment will only get worse. A trial separation is basically a cowards way of saying it is over. If he truly loved you he would stay at home and work things out. He clearly does not love you or love your children enough to try this.

Your relationship seems to be in the pits and cant get any better as there is no trust, and in his case, love or respect. It is going to be a tough time but you will come out from this horrible period, you will be able to get through the day without missing him, but best of all, you will have done the right thing by your children.

Would you want your DD to stay with a man like your DH?

Call womens aid and get some advice.

Good luck, and be strong.

LauLauLemon - Let me tell you something. I was married to a guy for 21 years who was very similar. There is life after twats. You are worth so much more. My children were little. I left him, got him out of the house, worked my backside off and kept the house. It sounds to me like he is very abusive, throwing you across the room!!! Have you tried contacting Women's Aid. I went to see them and trust me I never looked back. They even went to the solicitors with me to help as I was too upset to speak. I was not the same person I am now. I am now 51 years old and cant believe I actually lived like that. Have you a supportive family. Even if you havent it doesnt matter, I did it on my own. You deserve better. When I left my husband I had no friends because he liked it that way. Do think about Women's Aid, they will support you whether you stay together or not. They will not preach at you and influence what you decide to do. They will help you believe me. Please contact them in your local area. I wish I lived near you.

We had a chat and have decided on a trial separation. We are still monogamous (I've asked him if we do get back together to get an STI check in case) and seeing each other daily but living apart. He's going to the doctor first thing tomorrow morning to see about anger management and pills and I'm off to sort us out with Relate both together and apart.

There are obviously terms to this and we won't be a lovey couple. We're just starting again and if there's no improvement in six months we'll go our separate ways.

Does this sound solid or am I naive?

You are in my opinion being very naive but it is your decision ultimately.
This is how the cycle goes on for so long as neither partner has the strength to sever all ties.
He causes merry hell, you feel shit, you feel shit, he promises to change, you're scared so agree as you are drained and this is the 'easier' option. He will do it again and the cycle will start again.
Take the advice from the other posters about seeking some interim guidance and support though.
Good luck honey - look after yourself and your girls, they will be feeling very unsettled too.

You dont sound naive but dont forget he has assaulted you so he will probably do it again. Relate is a good option. Good luck and I hope all goes well for you. PLEASE GO TO WOMENS AID AND GET SOME GOOD ADVICE.

Living apart and getting counselling seperatley are the key. Sort your own issues out seperately and you may have a chance together. He obviously has a LOT of issues and has acted appallingly. That is his stuff to sort out. I would concentrate on your stuff - identify and work through it all. I would suggest as a start you work on your self esteem - it says a lot about how you regard yourself that you would allow someone to treat you in such a disrespectful way.

I have been in a similar place and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find some inner peace x

I really hope this works for you, and working through your own stuff and building-up your self-esteem is the best thing you could do.
I guess just be wary of old behaviour patterns and don't accept excuses if he doesn't stick to his agreement.

xxx

I am stunned at how strong you are. Do you even realise it? You are looking after 2 small dcs and keeping a roof over their heads as well as supporting the monkey on your back that this man child is.

How bloody dare he hurt you. He should make you feel good every day. He should be kind. He should never ever lay a finger on you.

I think a trial separation is a good idea. On your terms. If he thinks he is going to loaf around your home as he fancies he needs to be told that is not going to happen. The man is a taker and I am so fucking angry on your behalf I am not hugely articulate. Counselling on your own is an excellent idea.

I can't help but feel laulau that you will be physically and emotionally better off alone. Do you really want to be here in a year, 5 years. Do you want your dds to have this relationship for the template of what they feel is acceptable? Imagine one of them is bring treated like this. What would you advise? Follow that advice as you are teaching them that this is what is normal.

I am stunned at how strong you are. Do you even realise it? You are looking after 2 small dcs and keeping a roof over their heads as well as supporting the monkey on your back that this man child is.

How bloody dare he hurt you. He should make you feel good every day. He should be kind. He should never ever lay a finger on you.

I think a trial separation is a good idea. On your terms. If he thinks he is going to loaf around your home as he fancies he needs to be told that is not going to happen. The man is a taker and I am so fucking angry on your behalf I am not hugely articulate. Counselling on your own is an excellent idea.

I can't help but feel laulau that you will be physically and emotionally better off alone. Do you really want to be here in a year, 5 years. Do you want your dds to have this relationship for the template of what they feel is acceptable? Imagine one of them is bring treated like this. What would you advise? Follow that advice as you are teaching them that this is what is normal.

Bloody phone.

YADNBU
Disrespectful, cowardly twat.
Now get yourself over to the Relationships forum and add this to the Incident That Made Me Realise It Was Finally Over thread (not the actual name but that is the gist of it)

I do not consider myself strong just living. DH and I love each other very much but I agree, it needs to be ended if the relationship is dead. I've set six months as the time frame and if it's not working, he's still angry and/or violent or disrespectful it will end. I have no qualms about sticking up for myself and my DC's but I'm 22, I love my partner and our daughters adore him.

Naive maybe but I hope the pay off will be great and a lot happier.

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. I have a thread over at Relationships if you want to keep tabs.

It struck me that you said he's a good dad, I don't think a good dad assaults his children's mother. Good luck with it all.

I'm sorry but he does not love you very much.

He assaulted you. He takes you for granted, thinks it's fine to upset you pretty much constantly (doesn't care a hoot how his actions make you feel, frankly), and has zero respect for you and your joint family.

What he categorically does not do is love you. Love is something you DO, not just say, you know.

You will absolutely be better off without him. You sound amazingly strong and together. You really do.

Yes I think you are being naive. Basically, once someone crosses THAT line, and assaults you physically, things change forever. Your response here is crucial. What he did shoudl be a dealbreaker. Yet it's HE who has decided on a separation, and you have accepted it and are talking about if/when you get back together. Basically, you have given him the message that assaulting you is ok, and brings no consequences for him. In fact he still gets to be in the driving seat of your relationship. Not that there actualy seems to be one.

This is a dangerous path to take. If he decides he'd like his little servant back at some point, the chances are he will now continue to hit you. The chances are however higher that, having now seen that you are actually prepared to take anything from him, he will now continue to mess you around, wanting you 'back' for as long as it takes to get him a shag/his clothes washed/some cash. He is and probably has been cheating on you for a long time, I would think.

Why do this? How about saying a no to the trial separation, popping down to the police station to report the assault, and then telling him to sling his hook for good? Ninety-nine percent chance, this will give you to outcome which WOULD happen anyway, but it would a. cut out the 'him destroying your confidence even more' bit and b. it would make him sit up and realise that he can't treat you - and therefore your children - like crap any more.

He's a WASTER. A violent, pathetic waster. Bin him. You DON'T need him.

I have spoken to Womens Aid about this who've basically told me what you have. The advisor told me that a trial separation was a great route to go down as long as I know if it doesn't go to plan that I am syrong enough to leave. I believe I am.

I feel like I have to give this another shot and if it doesn't work, I leave. If he raises a hand to me again he knows he will be arrested and he knows I've found the strength to do it. There would be no more chances, just an arrest and contsct with the children. No more.

Lau! I'm impressed. What happened to the little mouse that was posting last night? Look at you now! What are you going to be like in a few months time? Even though, as you say, you have just been surviving and dont see yourself as strong, it takes guts and courage to do what you have done in the last 24 hours. Do you know what? You are going to be just fine, whatever happens.

As you say you pay for everything anyway, just think of all the freedom you'll have? No more waiting up getting justifiably cross. No more having to factor in his temper/ selfish behaviour into decisions.

You can suit you and your kids. Hope it all pans out for you.

YANBU I had 5 bloody years of that sort of stunts never new when and if exH would come home and he spent far too much of our money and was sooo hungover for 2 days afterwards he couldn't function properly, along with his porn usage it was a deal breaker for me, so you have my absolute sympathy

I had an almost identical relationship a decade ago. I know that it's difficult, psychologically, to sever emotional ties with someone you love/d but, for your safety you have to get your head around the fact that he is past the point of being given any more chances. If you continue to see him daily you are giving him the opportunity to manipulate his way back into your life and physically and emotionally abuse you again. Report last night's assault to the police and try to get a restraining order against him so you and dds can build a safe future.

I'm heartbroken still and it's a struggle seeing him be so loving around the children but I know you're all right. It's taken years to come to terms with this but I have. Thrre are six months on the table and in those six months I'll be sorting out access, finances, paperwork, legal documents like tenancy etc and giving myself and my DD's as fair shot at this.

I hope he can change but I kno we that six months seems like a long time and if he ever did come back the only way to put my mind at ease about infidelity would be an STI test (which he has agreed to). I am not completely stupid and as a result have diaries of incidents, photigraphs of grab marks, doctors handwritten notes of acknowledgement and even some voice recordings all in a safe place (not in the house). I know I need to make the best life for my lovely little girls but I am so mentally exhausted it feels as though I'm sinking right now.