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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is a fucking twat

110 replies

LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 00:48

DH and I have had our issues and we're working on them. A few weeks ago we had 'the talk' and I explained that while my trust in him was gone I was willing to rebuild it if he was willing to try.

So DH goes out with his friend tonight and promises to be home at 11, 11:30 latest and will call if late. OK. Sounds good.

DH called at 10:30 and said he would be home in an hour and would call when leaving (he doesn't have a mobile at the moment so from a payphone). At 12:15 I call his friend who answers and I can hear a woman singing in the background. He hangs up straight away. I text asking if DH can call and let me know and no call or reply. I call again. Answerphone. Again. A woman talking and then the line's gone. Answerphone. Ring ring ring ring. Ring ring ring ring.

No call. Nobody is picking up their phone. No idea where they are. Almost 1am. He doesn't have keys so I'm at home waiting for him and I have to get up at 6am with a 3yo and a 7 month old.

AIBU to think he is a royal fucking cunty twat? Especially when he promised and knows our issues. Does he really not give a flying fuck? I'm actually crying.

OP posts:
Mare11bp · 28/07/2011 04:18

Op, are you in bed yet? Big hugs.
Have you got someone to help with kids tomorrow, you will be tired.
This bloke threw you across the room? The nasty bastard. You can't tolerate this. You deserve much more as do your kids.
You have some life changing decisions to make tomorrow. You know the right thing to do and I hope you have people to support you in making those decisions.

ledkr · 28/07/2011 04:30

Threw you across the room??and you have f,m. come on,you know what you need to do mate,i am up with the baby and she has just gone off so need to sleep,ill be back tomorrow if you need to talk,i kicked out my cheatin a hole when i had breast cancer,an illness doesnt mean you have to remain unhappy for me it made me mnore determined to make a life and i have done.
Dont take what he said to heart,its the drink and the guilt talking,try to sleep and we speak tmw. xx

PinkSchmoo · 28/07/2011 04:40

Laulau, I am so sorry that this has happened. He sounds like he has a rather nasty controlling streak as well as being a selfish shit. And as for throwing you across the room? How bloody dare he.
Get some rest and someone to support you tomorrow with the dcs.

NunTheWiser · 28/07/2011 04:48

He's a shit. You probably do have some trust and control issues (perhaps justifiably, I don't know the back story), but for him to throw you across a room and say he doesn't want to help you through an illness makes him a shit.
It probably doesn't feel like it now, but really you're better off not having a relationship with someone like this. At the very least, you could be tucked up in bed not stressing about where he is, who he is with and when he'd be back.

iscream · 28/07/2011 05:15

(((LauLauLemon))) , you are better off without him! I am so sorry he broke your heart and hurt you physically. He sounds like a brute. :(
Please, have pride, do not beg or try and keep him with you.

Have a bath with Epson salts and take some pain pills, and get into bed with either cold packs or heating pad, whatever works, and sleep.
Tomorrow is soon enough to pack his stuff in some garbage bags and put them at the door.

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 06:58

I got two hours of sleep but now I'm up with a horrible migraine over one eye and two children. DH has gone AWOL. He's not with his parents and not with his friend. There's nobody else around here he knows (afaiw).

He says it's a 'trial separation' but when someone says they don't love you anymore and can't work it out under the roof with the kids inside I don't hold much hope. I'm devastated, numb, in shock; I don't even know. I know I am in pain.

He is a shit. I do have trust and control issues (with good reason so I've been told) and he tried the "It's not you, it's me" line and said his head is all messed up. He comes in and drops that bombshell and his head is messed up?

Ugh. I feel like snuggling up and not moving until next week.

OP posts:
Newbabynewmum · 28/07/2011 06:59

Are you up with your DC yet? How are you doing? Throwing you across the room is inexcusable however angry, frustrated or drunk he might have been. I'm so sorry. He sounds like a coward, a really nasty one at that. Keep posting. I really hope you're ok this morning x

Newbabynewmum · 28/07/2011 07:01

Sorry cross-post. Snuggle up with your DC today. He's calling all the shots isn't he? Really try not to worry about where he is - concentrate on you and your DC's wellbeing for now. X

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 07:08

I've just not been alone before and I don't really know what to do. DSis is coming to look after the girls at 11am for me to have an hour or two of sleep and have a good cry but otherwise I'm having a DVD and a duvet fort day as much as the girls allow. I don't want to allow myself to cry in front of them but I've done it twice in an hour already.

He really is calling the shots and I don't understand why he should be, how much access he wants to the girls, how this happened etc. There's so much I don't have answers to. He doesn't work and stays home most of the time so I know there's no other woman (well, I think so) but I love him so much and the entire time I was explaining this to him he'd look at me with no remorse or no emotion at all.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2011 07:13

LauLau, he threw you across the room. Why aren't you angry with him? Has he been physically violent to you throughout, so it doesn't seem as shocking to you as us?

whomovedmychocolate · 28/07/2011 07:16

Blimey you are well shot of him if he is violent towards you. You don't need this man child. It's too soon to be making plans. I would strongly suggest you change the locks. Normally you can't do this (deny access to the family home) but if he's been violent towards you you can. I would also think about pressing charges frankly. You have to retake your own power in the relationship. Right now you have given it all to him and he sounds like a dick.

But then, you did say he was a drummer

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 07:24

The house is rented, in my name and I pay all bills so I think I'm ok there. The only keys I have are inside the hpuse, he has none on him.

Yes, he's been physical before. Pushing, flinging, grabbing etc. he says it's because I get up in his face but the truth is he just has anger issues that need sorting. He's promised to see a doctor but that hadn't happened yet.

He may has been a sub standard husband but he was always a good dad.

I am very angry. I am angry at myself for allowong this, angry at hom for being a dick, angry at the world. Ugh.

OP posts:
Fooffy · 28/07/2011 07:28

Lau Lau I suppose the sooner you realise you will actually be better in many ways without this millstone of a man around your neck the better.
I know how debilitating Fibro can be and you must be feeling shit but be kind to yourself. Right now concentrate on you and the DCs and just to second WMMC find a way of barring his access to your home/ reporting him.

Maybe this could do with being in Relationships.

Happymm · 28/07/2011 07:31

Lau lau, he is a twunt, but you know that already.

Take care of yourself and your DC today. Don't try and find him. Am sure he'll crawl out of the woodwork soon enough :(

((((())))) take care, x

hairfullofsnakes · 28/07/2011 07:31

This is so frustrating to read. He threw you across the room, he treats you like shit, you have your head in the clouds if you think he isn't having an affair and you dont listen to any advice!
If you stay with him he will continue to treat you like crap and you are kidding yourself if you think it will ever get better

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2011 07:33

Okay, well, time to stop letting him call the shots. He is not 'sub standard' nor is he 'a good dad', he is a violent abuser who has been criminally assaulting you and your children are growing up in that atmosphere.

Decide now to call an end to this relationship. Don't let him back in. Great that everything's in your name. You're already supporting the household, so you know you can manage financially.

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 07:35

As much as I love him I will not be staying. As much as I wish he was different, he's not.

OP posts:
sophe29 · 28/07/2011 07:35

LauLauLemon
You poor thing. What a shitty night.
Read back through the all the posts on the thread again and imagine you are not the OP. What would you advise one of us to do in this situation? Im guessing that it would probably be to not put up with this shit and that you are better off without him?
You have bigger priorites than him and his pathetic"issues" that he needs to work out. Let him bugger off and get on with your life. Don't let him push you around and use you like this. Concentrate on your kids. A man that throws you across a room is not a man to love and to allow your kids to spend time with.
Be strong. You can do it.
x

HipHopOpotomus · 28/07/2011 07:41

YANBU however YABU to wait up for him. No phone and no keys - what is he? 5 years old?

lancashirewife · 28/07/2011 07:48

YANBU - he sounds like a nightmare! Although it will be a tough time ahead, you should just let him go. Focus on yourself and your kids. Throwing you across a room - thats a bloody disgrace! Hope you have a quiet day .....

lancashirewife · 28/07/2011 07:50

Not sure I think the sending him a taxi idea was a good one......but him with no keys and no phone, with children at home. What if there was an emergency and you needed to get him?

Whatever his side of the story is, relating to you, you two obviously have different issues, and ideas of what a relationship should be, so time to call it a day.....

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 28/07/2011 08:00

Op maybe you should start a new thread in relationships?

Make sure you yell your sister everything when she comes round, you need rl support.

bumbleymummy · 28/07/2011 08:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this Laulau. Try to be strong and don't give in to the temptation of trying to contact him or track him down. Get some sleep when you can and cry as much as you need to. Talk to your sister/friends/on here to get it all out and distract yourself. You need to get your head clear so you can get back in control and make it your decision to leave him so that when he comes back out of hiding you won't take any of his crap. Take care of yourself today. xo

greycircles · 28/07/2011 08:01

He sounds like a sorry excuse for a man.

That said, it does sound like he is seeing someone else. He has just tried to place the blame for the relationship breakdown on you, any way he can, when clearly he is the wrongdoer. He has said that he is worried about your fibromyalgia getting worse - did he forget the "in sickness and in health" bit? He's using it as an excuse so he can leave and pursue a relationship with someone else.

Given everything you have said, you are far far far better off without him but for some time, it will be extremely painful.

ensure · 28/07/2011 08:02

Write a list of all his bad points. Everything he does to make your life more difficult. Read it whenever you feel sad.
It honestly sounds like you will be far better off without him.