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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is a fucking twat

110 replies

LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 00:48

DH and I have had our issues and we're working on them. A few weeks ago we had 'the talk' and I explained that while my trust in him was gone I was willing to rebuild it if he was willing to try.

So DH goes out with his friend tonight and promises to be home at 11, 11:30 latest and will call if late. OK. Sounds good.

DH called at 10:30 and said he would be home in an hour and would call when leaving (he doesn't have a mobile at the moment so from a payphone). At 12:15 I call his friend who answers and I can hear a woman singing in the background. He hangs up straight away. I text asking if DH can call and let me know and no call or reply. I call again. Answerphone. Again. A woman talking and then the line's gone. Answerphone. Ring ring ring ring. Ring ring ring ring.

No call. Nobody is picking up their phone. No idea where they are. Almost 1am. He doesn't have keys so I'm at home waiting for him and I have to get up at 6am with a 3yo and a 7 month old.

AIBU to think he is a royal fucking cunty twat? Especially when he promised and knows our issues. Does he really not give a flying fuck? I'm actually crying.

OP posts:
ledkr · 28/07/2011 08:07

laulau he is not a good Dad, really he isnt,a good Dad doesnt go incomuicado or throw his kids Mum across rooms.

Dont be afraid to be alone,if you can live in this soul destroying relationship then you are certainly strong enough to be alone,its easy in comparison.

Glad you have dsis,you will need your friends and family the next few weeks.

He is a manchild and the relief you will eventually feel when he is gone will be amazing.

You say you have girls,well that alone should be enough to give you strength,you dont want them growing up thinking this is ok,we owe it to our daughters to set an example of a healthy relationship and he is not doing that.

Womens aid can help you too. Keep posting it will help.

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 08:09

Unless this relationship is online, he can't have seen her more than twice in four or five months and has.never been away overnight. DH has 'sexual problems' so I don't know if an OW fits in. would make sense but that's not DH.

Careless, aggressive, a liar, untrustworthy, egomaniac, narcissistic etc yes.

List is a good idea but what do I do when I can't let go of good bits?

OP posts:
molepom · 28/07/2011 08:09

I hope you are feeling a little better this morning. You have a few saving graces at hand, the rent and the bills are all in your name so you havent got that to worry about, he has no key, that's something else you havent got to worry about.

Although it's scarey being on your own with kids, as long as you take it one day at a time you will be fine. Dont get overwhelmed with thikning that this, this and this needs to be done. Micro manage it, do the most important.

Go to the doctor, tell them what's happened, see if there is anything they can do for you.

You have family around you that are supporting you, that's a bonus, take advantage of that (not take advantgae of them obviously) and get yourself out. Just little things like a coffee on your own or a trip to the shops.

That will do for now, deal with everything else when you are good and ready. He is just a bully, dont let him do that to you anymore.

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 08:16

I just miss his good points a lot already. I am too young and my children are too precious to be put through this relationship.

OP posts:
Cat98 · 28/07/2011 08:23

Yanbu!

molepom · 28/07/2011 08:24

What good points? List those and I'll bet the list of bad points is longer.

You can start off with physical and mental abuse for the list of bad points, so tell me...what good points does he have to balance out those two alone?

I also bet, you only see the good points when everything has been going his way or when he's feeling guilty about something or (and this is a good one...) when you are in public or have company. Am I right?

ledkr · 28/07/2011 08:24

What are his good points laulau,im struggling with that concept.

Cat98 · 28/07/2011 08:24

Sorry - I had only read the first page before replying. I'm sorry you are going through this.

BertyBurlington · 28/07/2011 08:25

so he hasnt had an affair, yet you think he has

you continually phone, text, send taxis to get him etc

i think its you with the problems my love :(

i actually feel sorry for the poor sod

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 28/07/2011 08:26

Berty, have you read the thread? The man's violent.

MigratingCoconuts · 28/07/2011 08:31

Gosh what a total knob!!!

Really, you do deserve better than this. You kind of remind me of my fsbulous, smart, beautiful capable cousin who is also married to a total waste of space simply because she does not believe she can do better and that she is scared to be on her own. Sad really because life would be alot easier without him to look after as well Grin

I am sure he must have some good qualities but if they come in this package where he treats you like garbage and hits you then you need to get out.

Someone else said post in relationships. Do try this as it will give you longer term support and there will be plenty of people who have gone through similar situations to help you.

Fooffy · 28/07/2011 08:35

Definitely post in relationships. This started as an AIBU but is beyond that now. You are recieving some lovely replies but right now you need honest and supportive NOT abrasive.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/07/2011 08:38

Gosh I really do wish people would read the whole thread.

You won't feel like it today but in a few months time you will realise that him going is the best thing that ever happened.

Take it easy today, talk to your sister and be kind to yourself.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 28/07/2011 08:38

Op you are basically sayng you can put up with al of those bad points because of the good ones.

You are saying you can put up with a cheating, violent, man who doesn't work or have a sex life with?

You can't change a man like this.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 28/07/2011 08:40

I really think you should look at the woman aid page where it lists what abuse is, sorry can't link on my phone as well.

Mousesmummy · 28/07/2011 08:42

Laulau - I know you are scared now and when relationships like this come to a climax it is often easier to stay and put up instead of moving on - this is because we often think "better the devil you know" - you will have had your self esteem demolished over a prolonged period of time and you think you love him.

Well you don't love him, not in the real sense of he word, you are co-dependent on each other - something entirely different !
I had a previous SHIT relationship and thought he was the love of my life etc etc, would have walked on fire for him, I was devastated when I eventually left but you know what ? 10 years later I now have a wonderful husband and lovely children - your life will not be over because you leave him - it will be difficult, lonely, sad and stressful at times but you MUST do it because what life have you got now? He doesn't love you - you must see that? My ex h used to tell me he loved me blah blah but we don't hurt people we love on a daily basis!
For your children you must get some support and strength from somewhere to put an end to all of this!

Havind said all of that , no matter what anyone writes on here, unless YOU want to leave this is all irrelavant as only you know if you want to do it - and it doesn't sound like you have reached that point yet? I put up with 18 months of physical and emotional abuse, put up with some unbelievable shit that now I can almost laugh about it seems so MAD that I put up with it! And yet the day I left it was over something relatively trivial - only you know when you are ready!

Good luck honey - there is a good life out there for you and your children if you can find the strength to reach out for it xxxxxxxx

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 09:04

I agree, I have some issues.but they didn't materialise from thin air and there was an ignition source for it. An affair hasn't been proven and although I'd like to believe otherwise, I can't discount it as a possibility.

He has good points but mostly it's the way he makes me feel when he's good to me. I'm afraid of losing that and not finding that again.

Honestly, am I ready to give up on him? No but now I have no choice. My DD's come first and the choice has been taken out of my hands. If H can't respect me or like me let alone love me, it isn't goinh to work, is it?

OP posts:
yesdarling · 28/07/2011 09:20

I feel for you because you're hurting now but in time you'll be better off without him. He's no good for you and I pity the next woman that falls for him. You are worth more than he can give you - he's doing you a favour by leaving.

My advise is focus on your children for a while until its all not so raw, then you can start to rebuild yourself

Be strong xx

MigratingCoconuts · 28/07/2011 09:20

No, it isn't. And yes, you can find that elsewhere and without the negative stuff that goes with it. Its going to be very tough along the way though.

i honestly don't think you can stay with someone who has thrown you across the room. Please look on the woman's aid website for support with physical violence.

Mousesmummy · 28/07/2011 09:28

The way he makes you feel when he is being nice is GRATEFUL! Grateful that you got through a day without a huge row or managed to go out with friends without a scene, grateful he is home and you are not sat up worrying! It is not happiness Laulau.
The way you write reminds me so much of myself all those years ago "am I ready to give up on him" "it's out of my hands" etc - you feel responsible for him like a parent to a child, they mess your head up so YOU feel guilt if you leave - how will they cope, what will become of them, will they lose the plot and hurt themselves???? My ex h was an alcoholic with MH issues and I endured tremendous guilt about leaving him as if I had 'failed' on my mission to save him!! Well no one could have saved him, only himself! Certainly not me.
Not sure what other support you have but you really need as many friends around you as possible now.
This is not happening TO you - you are an adult with dc and you are CHOOSING to stop this relationship from dragging you down even further!

Pickadaytocelebrate · 28/07/2011 09:31

You need to get on the front foot here. It will help you to feel more in control of the situation. At the moment I suspect much of your feelings of love for me are more about your fear at being on your own. If you stay it is only a matter of time until he imposes his anger issues on your children. It is your job to protect them.

Pickadaytocelebrate · 28/07/2011 09:32

Him not me!

Original poster
LauLauLemon · 28/07/2011 09:45

He's here now after resurfacing. Is being an inconsiderate twat and thinks we should have a trial separation and if he wants to get back together we will.

How fucking controlling?

If I wasn't crying so much I might be inclined to lamp him.

OP posts:
Mousesmummy · 28/07/2011 09:52

Try to stop crying hun, tell him you agree a trial separation would be good, let him leave then BREATH!!!
Once he is out with as little fuss as possible you can then take the time to plan what you need to do next. If he isn't planning on leavin today, gather up the kiddies, change of underwear etc and go out for the day, it is very bad for the children to see shouting etc but you already know that.
Just let him go, this is the worst part hun but from here on it is baby steps to your FUTURE!

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/07/2011 09:52

No one deserves to have this sort of relationship or limbo that you are in. Look after yourself and your dd's, you are young and I have no doubt that you will find someone who treats you all well. It is horrible to break up a relationship and it is hard but why should you live a life of uncertainty. Think this way, if you stay with him and he is like this in 20 years time you really will have wasted your life with a twunt. It sounds like time for you to move on, easier said than done and it isn't ideal in any world but neither is it acceptable to "flung" across the room. Sad