To be very sad and angry when I see a child getting smacked

[ohnoudidnt]

Was shopping today and have never seen a child get hit so hard ...he was about 3 ...It really upset me.I do not agree with hurting a child in any way and wish it could be banned.

So it wouldn't change your opinion, as a social worker, if a parent you were investigating smacked their child? You would completely discount it?

There are some seriously judgy people out there. Alouisg my ASD dev delayed dd aged 4 would not understand if you said that to her. Yes I have smacked her at times though not really now as I went on a communication course run by SALT which really helped me get through to her

I was smacked all the time and it hasn't done me any harm, BUT the thought of actually smacking my DD makes me feel sick. She is only 2 and I've never even had reason to think about it let alone do it and I can't imagine that I ever could! I can't understand what a child would have to do to actually warrant a smack. Surely a smack is a reaction by the parent because they have lost control of the situation, not that the child actually deserves one?

Which is actually what shocks me about how my Mum was able to smack me (and my 4 siblings) so much without seemingly being bothered by it.

I wasn't particularly against smacking (although I didn't like seeing it) before I had DD but I'm still not sure if I would go as far as to do something if I saw it in the street, but I just don't understand the need for it...

I have no idea how I feel about smacking as dd just 16 months. I do know that I was smacked quite regularly though and am absolutely fine. I harbour no issues and had an idyllic childhood.

Smacking is not indicative of anything.

Good thing was not judged like this by HCP when admitting I smacked dd

I agree with allinabinbag - this threads get so extreme. I don't like seeing smacking, and I don't think it's our finest hour as parents. That doesn't mean I think it's necessarily abusive (though can be, obviously) or that parents who smack are bad parents (though they can be, of course). I have never hit my children, but I have wanted to, often, and one day it might just happen.

Wouldn't it be more interesting if we stopped with the smacking-as-abuse debate and started discussing the middle ground: how much is excessive? How to get yourself out of the smacking habit? When is it appropriate to intervene in others' smacking and how should it be done?

In cultures where smacking is a no-no the DC are still well behaved. Equally some cultures are pro-smacking and have not so well behaved DC.

Some would say smacking has no real relevance in terms of good behaviour, more the atmosphere and general parenting approach.

I have smacked, I won't be doing it again and I dont advocate smacking. I have now decided that someone with greater physical strength and someone with authority should not be using it to instill fear/teach lessons and get what they want, regardless of the relationship.

After much thought it feels no different to a husband giving his wife a slap if she 'disobeys'. Makes me feel sick now.

I was too pom and I harbour no resentment towards my parents, in fact I look back fondly on my childhood and really feel for those poor children who I considerf suffered real abuse on a regular basis, read The Child Called IT

Pigletmania - I am not judging you and wouldn't.
I would possibly judge you if you said "I smack my child regularly, I think it is the best way to discipline them and I don't think it can possibly do any harm." But even then, I would judge you as being misinformed not a horrible mother (unless you used the belt or something...)

Just wanted to clear that up. Not that you probably care what I think personally but I am not judgey, really, (well I am sometimes, but a lot less often than you might think!) I just feel passionately that smacking as a form of discipline doesn't work and that it is wrong. That's all.

www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents-and-carers/positive-parenting/encouraging-better-behaviour/encouraging-better-behaviour_wda72886.html#The_issues_with_smacking_and_saying_sorry

NSPCC take on using smacking as discipline.

Or they just getting "hysterical" as well?

I have never smacked any of my DC, and believe me when they were younger (and now still, sometimes) they really knew how to push my buttons and wind me up. And I can be a very angry moo.

But what I don't understand is, what is the trigger which makes somebody smack their child? As annoyed or upset as Ive ever got with my DC, it's never entered my head to smack them - anymore than it would to hit an adult who I was angry with, because it's just not in me.

No altinkum they are not saying smacking has its place "if these guidelines below fail"... They are saying it doesn't have its place.

No CAT it's not the best way it was so good when I went on the Hanen course to help us communicate with dd better, it helped so much that I did not smack anymore, only once when dd ran in the road and car was comming, I grabbed her from the road and smacked her. I was scared she was going to get run over

Well, I admit to smacking all my DC a few times, mainly whenthey were too small for reasoning to work or there wasn't time - and it was always when there was danger (misbehaving while crossing busy roads etc) and I needed to gain control of the situation fast.

If that makes me a Bad Parent, so be it - at least my kids are alive and unhurt, and that IMO is the final test.

It might not make them criminals, but it does make them bullies. It might not be abuse but it is violence.

If people are happy to raise children using bullying tactics that are legal, then that is their business, but at least acknowledge that they prefer to use fear, threats of violence, intimidation and pain to encourage the behaviour they want.

As far as I'm concerned it is an abuse of power and responsibility which is not tolerated in any other setting or relationship, and just because you can get away with it, does not make it right.

There was a time it was OK to slap your wife if she behaved in a way that was unacceptable to her husband. Yes she might have been an adult, but she was also normally financially dependant on him, smaller than him, weaker than him and very vulnerable-not unlike a child. Thankfully we have moved on, but not nearly enough in my opinion.

I will never understand the argument, "I use a light tap." If it was such a light tap then it would be pointless. It is surely enough force to either scare them or hurt them, otherwise why would you bother? If my elderly, confused relative ran into a road, I wouldn't slap them to teach them a lesson, I would accept that they needed closer supervision and possibly restraining.

Plenty of people live their lives without resorting to violence. It is possible to raise well behaved children without scaring them or hurting them, but I suppose sometimes it is easier to just "giv 'em a whack".

HPonEverything - Sorry to mislead, I didnt have a bad childhood, and i continue to have a good relationship with my dad, Im a right daddy's girl! My point is, looking back it wasnt as bad as it FELT back then. However, The feelings I remember from being in that position are very real. So regardless of people saying "its only" I think its important to remember that your actions as "just a tap, or just a smack on the bum" Can be interpreted very differently to a young child, and those fears and feelings, warranted or not can do a lot of damage and shape their view on the future.

I dont judge people who smack, I just remember how I used to feel (and this too is only the 90's) and hope to god I never make my kids feel like that as to me, that's not what being a parent is.

That's why you are not winning the debate, most people who have occasionally smacked their children are not bullies! They are just ordinary people, with loving caring relationships with their children, who may have smacked their children. Even my anti-smacking mum and gran have each smacked their children once, for doing something very dangerous repeatedly to another child. Once in a lifetime. Bullying is just such a ridiculous word to use.

A child running out into the road because it hasn't listened is totally different to an elderly confused relative running into the road because they don't understand what their doing, why try and link the two together?

So you think restraint is the better option? You are not allowed to use restraint against the elderly anymore, gone are the days where dementia patients were strapped into chairs to stop them wandering so why would it be ok to restrain an 8 year old for example?

Where do all live ? I'm in an area where the general view on child-rearing is pretty traditional and no-nonsense (and I'd say, pro-smacking on the whole) but I've never seen anyone smack a child in public.

I choose not to smack (mostly because I don't think that it works) but there have been times when I've had restrain myself while juggling a toddler, bags, buggy with people judging and tutting that a 2 year old is not behaving impeccably.

So no, it wouldn't make me sad and angry, just sympathetic.

Well, this is it. There IS a power differential between a child and a parent. Whatever way you use of stopping your children coming to harm, learning right from wrong, learning to listen, learning not to be cheeky or whatever, is going to be different that what you do with an adult, unless you put your husband or elderly relative in time out/ignore them/distract then/smack them/put reins on them/make them stay in the pushchair/praise them/make a joke of it and so on. It's not the same relationship, if my husband started praising me every time I did something he liked, I would think him very odd whereas most people think that's a reasonable thing for a parent to do.

So an ordinary man, with a loving caring relationship with his partner, who may have smacked her just occasionally is OK then? As long as it is not relied upon as his only method of expressing himself and is not used regularly, but a 'once every now and again event.? Is he not a bully? Does he not use the unspoken threat of violence in between the smacks to control her behaviour?

I can understand why someone who doesn't mind violence and would use it towards a partner, an elderly person, someone else's child in certain circumstances can't see a problem with it. I can't understand someone who would never be violent towards anyone other than their own child.

As usual, this is a debate that cannot be won. I sympathise with children who live with violence and emotional abuse, whether it happens daily or once in a lifetime.

If my elderly, confused relative ran into a road, I wouldn't slap them to teach them a lesson, I would accept that they needed closer supervision and possibly restraining.

Oh Good heavens

(i) What has an elderly relative got to do with a 3 year old.

(ii) Your wilful, tantrumming 3 YO is screaming, wriggling from your grasp and trying to run into a busy road with oncoming traffic, and your hands are full with your shopping and a baby in pushchair. You have about 1 second to sort it all out. On what fucking planet will "accepting that they needed closer supervision and possibly restraining" work in that timescale?

Bad news - I smacked my 3 YO. Good news - he's alive today.

That is why I cannot support a ban on smacking. No parent wants to use it, most feel terrible doing it at the time and afterwards, but sometimes its just necessary.