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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very sad and angry when I see a child getting smacked

187 replies

ohnoudidnt · 27/07/2011 21:27

Was shopping today and have never seen a child get hit so hard ...he was about 3 ...It really upset me.I do not agree with hurting a child in any way and wish it could be banned.

OP posts:
LordOfTheFlies · 27/07/2011 22:23

And of course the fact that discipline in schools and the attitude of children to teachers and authority figures has taken a complete nose-dive has absoloutly nothing to do with it has it.?

And no its not from the Daily Mail, I know teachers who have years of experience and that's their veiws.

TanyaBranning · 27/07/2011 22:25

Personally, my real bugbear is people swearing at their kids. I mean, telling your child to 'shut the fuck up' etc. I just find that unforgivable. I heard a woman telling her small boy (4 or 5 yrs old tops) that she was going to 'knock his fucking block off if he didn't shut the fuck up'...this was in a zoo, presumably on a 'happy' family day out. Horrible.

Signet2012 · 27/07/2011 22:26

I always get stuck in the same conversation with partner.
Me - How can you teach a child right from wrong when youre doing wrong by hitting them
Him - its not that, its the scared of the smack what teaches them, the consequence
Me- So you want your children to be frightened of you?
Him - No but to be frightened of the punishment
Me - which in itself is a wrong doing by hurting them.
Him- no but it doesnt hurt. it just scares them
Me- So you want your child to be frightened of you then
him - NO!
Me - hmm.

personally I was smacked as a child IF i was very naughty and sometimes it went too far, I dont believe that it has done me any harm, however others would disagree.

However although my dad smacked me harder than he should, my mam went down the more emotional route which I know without any shadow of a doubt has affected me more.

I hope i never smack my kids as I know I have my dad's temper and I Dont want ever see the fear on my kids faces when I go towards them.

I also think "wait til your dad gets home" is shitty and unfair.

Long post. Hmm

HPonEverything · 27/07/2011 22:26

My mum proudly told me how she'd confronted a woman who was smacking her child in a supermarket. The woman went mental at my mum but she (my mum) didn't regret tackling it.

The irony is that my mum and - worse - dad used to get great pleasure from smacking me when I was little... Short memory it seems.

OrdinaryJo · 27/07/2011 22:28

So how do you discipline your children - apart from 'oh PFB, Mummy really doesn't like it when you do that?' Genuine question...

Ivortheengine8 · 27/07/2011 22:29

LOTF - That goes for parents too. So many children have no respect whatsoever for their parents, unfortunately many of their parents don't see that. :(

FreudianSlipper · 27/07/2011 22:30

even of you are not angry you are still teaching your children that violence in some circumstances is ok, i rather teach my child that it is not (unless totally in self defense)

and there are many reasons it is not to do with parents not smacking their children why there are problems in school the biggest is these children have not been shown or taught respect, this is not done by the back of someones hand, it is not about fear

Graciescotland · 27/07/2011 22:30

Really Lordoftheflies? I thought smacking was still legal in Scotland. It was reclassified from reasonable chastisement to justifiable assault.

It is illegal to shake a child, strike a child on the head or strike a child with an implement if memory serves

Original poster
ohnoudidnt · 27/07/2011 22:31

TanyaBranning That is disgusting.Poor child.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2011 22:34

Freudian... I understand your point although the threat of the cane at senior school really did keep pupils in line. If you look at secondary schools now, would you say that excellent teachers are the way forward in keeping discipline? I wouldn't, I'd say that the excellent teachers have been headhunted away and were happy to leave because there is no discipline in schools now, there really isn't.

Whether that's a parental thing or a societal thing or just a general swing from the bad old days when children had NO rights to the bad old days now where ONLY children have rights. It's gone too far.

Original poster
ohnoudidnt · 27/07/2011 22:36

OrdinaryJo There are other ways without abuse.Do I really have to tell you?
No pocket money if you do that again,You will not be allowed to play on the playstation,You will not go swimming if you do that again etc....not hard really.
Do you smack?

OP posts:
pyjamababe · 27/07/2011 22:37

I agree with lyingwitch that verbal abuse can be more damaging than a quick smack on the bottom and I think perhaps less effective too.. Not having to do either would be nice of course, I'm currently struggling with the best way to reason with an 18month old boy who likes to play with wires, sockets, doors, dishwasher tablets, unfriendly cats, you name it really, he also has little screaming tantrums when I intervene, often hitting ME! Any ideas gratefully received!

Original poster
ohnoudidnt · 27/07/2011 22:42

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I would say that is an age thing.Without sounding rude maybe you have been brought up with getting smacked and the cane at school etc...so maybe the next generation have moved on to see actually children SHOULD have rights.I also find that younger teachers at school are more "with it" and the older style teachers havent got a clue,and for that reason(at our school anyway)seem to be leaving.

OP posts:
TanyaBranning · 27/07/2011 22:42

I know@ohnoudidn't. I wanted to say something but my husband told me to leave it as the woman's own mother was giving her a real telling off and called her ' a disgrace'. So at least there was someone sticking up for that poor little boy. I still feel i should have said something.

Don't get me wrong, I am no perfect parent. My DS has SN and can be a real handful and i am sometimes driven to behaviour in public that must seem really awful - raised voices, grabbing hold of him quite roughly to stop him running away etc - but for goodness sakes, swearing and threatening a child. You'd be arrested if you behaved that way towards another adult, wouldnt you? but somehow it is OK to speak to your own child that way Sad

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 22:42

Salty popcorn

Oops

FreudianSlipper · 27/07/2011 22:45

but then children did fear adults, that was the norm and i do not think that is a good thing. the balance is all wrong in some schools but the cane is not the answer. i would not like my ds to fear his teacher but respect them, other pupils and his education but i do also want him if he feels something is wrong to stand up and say so, but that is a freethinker :o bet you love that expression that is not about being disruptive

OrdinaryJo · 27/07/2011 22:46

ohnoudidnt of course there are other ways to discipline without abuse. I have smacked in the past and almost always regretted it, apart from two occasions where it was a road safety issue and those I do not regret because DS was on his way to getting himself killed - he was a bolter.

But with my child withholding treats etc (like pocket money) does not really work. It was a genuine question as I am struggling with this issue, but thanks for the judgeypants response anyway...

pyjamababe · 27/07/2011 22:48

Ohnoudidnt they are all fab ideas but no use with an 18 month old and ordinaryjo wasn't specific about the age of the child with her genuine question. I really don't want to smack my ds but I have no idea how to deter him from dangerous activities, or hitting me. He is relentless in his persistence!!

Original poster
ohnoudidnt · 27/07/2011 22:48

Certainly not a good thing for kids to be scared of adults FreudianSlipper,I agree.I believe if a child is brought up correctly they will behave,especially at school...most kids are eager to please their teacher.
If a child can not trust and feel safe with their own parents,What chance have they got? Is very sad.

OP posts:
snippywoo2 · 27/07/2011 22:50

lordofthe flies And of course the fact that discipline in schools and the attitude of children to teachers and authority figures has taken a complete nose-dive has absolutely nothing to do with it has it.?

Our local school had a crap reputation for years, luckily just before my twins started there, they had a new Headmistress.

She has turned the school around in the last 4 years. Her policy was discipline and respect for each other. Act up and your in exclusion which meant your in a room sat at a desk with shields around so you cant interact with others very boring so you don't want to go there again, run by an ex police women BTW. She also introduced an inclusion room for pupils who were having trouble settling in for whatever reason and needed extra help. She also introduced a school uniform policy that must be adhered to by all pupils whether they like it or not. This has dramatically changed the school, pupils are behaving and exam results are at an all time high.

Original poster
ohnoudidnt · 27/07/2011 22:52

OrdinaryJo I wasnt being judgey.:)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 27/07/2011 22:52

If you want guidance on a specific issue, start a thread in parenting or behaviour/development. You'll find lots of people making suggestions then, and nobody ever suggests smacking, except occasionally on threads about hitting (but still lots of other suggestions) and DC undoing their own car seat straps. (and again, lots of other suggestions)

Not saying asking here isn't allowed, just it's likely to get lost in the thread, and a very general "What do you do instead of smacking?" is hard to answer without taking the thread in a massively different direction, since most people deal with different behaviour issues in different ways.

OrdinaryJo · 27/07/2011 22:55

Thanks pajama. I also had incredibly shouty/slappy DP's so have very few tools in my tool box IYSWIM. Just trying to do my best by my DS who is 5 but has communication issues so 'I will take something away in the future' really isn't working for us at the moment.

IRCL · 27/07/2011 22:56

YANBU, I hate seeing little children get smacked.

Whilst on my way to work today I saw a youngish girl holding her DS hand he was only about one, if not younger. She was holding his hand and then shouted at him to hurry up and then just picked him up in a really aggressive manner.

I have no qualms saying I judged her, he was tiny! and she was walking like a trooper of course he wasn?t able to keep up with her.

OrdinaryJo · 27/07/2011 22:57

Fair enough Bertie. Off to bed anyway Grin