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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

280 replies

Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 14:48

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him Shock

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

OP posts:
4madboys · 26/07/2011 16:10

ok now you have explained it more it makes sense and is not so outrageous :)

they are obviously good friends which is lovely but now is def the time to start establishing boundaries.

no sleep overs in the same room.

tbh i think the sleepovers in tents as long as boys and girls are in diff tents would probably be ok, i did that from the ages of 11-16 with youth clubs, at friends etc, as long as there are groups of boys and girls in tents then it is unlikely that they will get up to anything.

LetThereBeRock · 26/07/2011 16:12

Well the reality isthat they are too young,imho,to be involved in such a relationship,regardless if they think they are mature enough.When you're 12 you think you're practically adult it's only when you grow that you realise just how young 12 really is,and I'm not suggesting that they are babied,but they can't be allowed to do everything they want.

I also did add that the OP can't stop them from thinking of themselves as bf/gf ,but I would still do what I could to discourage it,and make the boundaries clear. Time spent as a group,with the exception of sleepovers is fine,time spent alone together is not,I'm under no illusions that things can still happen when they're in a group but it's less likely.

Just because you can't always monitor your children,it doesn't mean that you can't set appropriate boundaries. You,general you,may not be able to prevent your 13 year old from smoking at school or after school for example,but it doesn't mean you allow them to smoke because you can't always be there to stop it.
I'd still do what I can to prevent it outside of school,and to minimise it within school.

CheerfulYank · 26/07/2011 16:21

I don't think the OP was the one who asked if 12 year old boys could even have sex, was she?

Anyway, yanbu to stop the sleepovers of course. But I think everyone's being unnecessarily harsh. I used to sleep over with the neighbor kids (a boy and a girl, both a bit younger than me) and we all slept in the same bed or in various configurations until I was 11 or 12.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 16:29

Cheerful no I wasn't, thanks for noticing.

Actually, it's not even that they might have sex, there are lots of other things they could do and are more likely to do, leading up to sex (such as general touching etc.) which is still inappropriate at this age.

Obviously, each individual will start experimenting at the age which is right for them regardless of sleepovers, etc. My DD is 14 and has never had a boyfriend or danced with\held hands with a boy, let alone kissed one!

4madboys tbh i think the sleepovers in tents as long as boys and girls are in diff tents would probably be ok, i did that from the ages of 11-16 with youth clubs, at friends etc, as long as there are groups of boys and girls in tents then it is unlikely that they will get up to anything

I'm still not convinced of that one.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/07/2011 16:35

I'm amazed at some of the reactions to having a boyfriend or girlfriend. I had a boyfriend at 10. We never did anything but spent time together and said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. This was in 1981 so it's not exactly a new phenomenon.

Agree that the boundaries need to be tightened as far as sleepovers etc are concerned but stopping them from seeing each other? Really? That's a fairly good way to make them closer I would have thought.

thederkinsdame · 26/07/2011 16:36

2 kids in my class were sexually active at 12 - they were caught having sex on a school trip and had been active foe months by then Sad I can remember parties where there was a fair bit of experimentation too so as shocking as it may seem to some it is possible that they might. You need to sit them down and have a chat and ban the sleepovers.

scuzy · 26/07/2011 16:38

fairenuff i apologise for calling you naive about the "can 12 yr olds have sex" comment. it obviously was not you that said that.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 16:42

Thank you scuzy it's a shame QuintessentialShadow doesn't share your sense of decency and retract their remark. But it is appreciated.

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 26/07/2011 16:44

I think that there is an unfortunate tendency for male-female best friends to be pressured (by peers at school, for example) to think of themselves as being "boyfriend and girlfriend", whether or not it's actually accurate.

Do you think that's what happened here?

FebreezeYourJeans · 26/07/2011 16:44

Presumably you know the girl's parents fairly well? Have you discussed this with them because I think you need to be both singing from the same hymn sheet here. (sorry for the cliche - couldn't think of anything else Blush )

Do they even know that their dd got into your sons bed during a sleepover??? I would want to know if it was my dd.

TheBigJessie · 26/07/2011 16:46

I think that the sleepovers should stop, but I think you need to be careful in the way you do it. Try not to make them feel that as "boyfriend and girlfriend" they are expected to want to have sex.

minipie · 26/07/2011 16:49

hear hear Jessie

and sometimes I hear adults encouraging children to think of themselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.

"oh my 5 year old DS has a girlfriend at school, they are so sweet bless".

No he doesn't. He has a friend who is a girl.

And then they are surprised when their DS calls his friend his "girlfriend" age 9 and wants to sleep with her age 12 Hmm.

Not saying that's what the OP has done, necessarily, but I do hear some adults saying this. Eejits.

mollymole · 26/07/2011 16:49

you DO need to put a stop to the mixed sleepover situation, both in your own home and if invited over to some where else
IMO you also need to have a word with this girl's parents and see how much they know about the 'relationship'
12 is too young to be ' a couple' and they should both be encouraged to mix
with their peers of both sexes,
i do not really believe that you are asking if it is OK for them to have sleepovers as you know the moral answer and i am shocked that you have previously been enabling this situation

TrickyBiscuits · 26/07/2011 16:52

OP, I think what Quintesstial is meaning is that by over-preventing an issue, you run the risk of creating one- making your DS feel that it's almost expected that he should be thinking in such a way by now. Which of course is nonsence.

FWIW I think YADNBU, with regards to sleeping in the same room now etc, and boundaries do need to be set over time, but if you exclude him from tent parties etc now then I'd say the upset from that would far outweigh the tiny, tiny risk of anything happening. Overall, I'd say to try and avoid 'sex' becoming a teenage battleground with your DS.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 17:14

Jessie I honestly don't think they were pressured to be 'girl/boyfriend' by their peers or anyone else. They kept their 'relationship' secret for 18 months. They didn't want the kids at school to know it was anything more than friendship which is why DS only told me at the end of Year 6, when he was leaving the school.

I know some parents do think it's cute, but I'm not one of them. I really would rather he didn't have a 'serious' girlfriend at this age because, more than anything, they are emotionally attached and it will be painful for both of them when it ends (which, presumably it will).

Her parents do seem a bit flippant, her dad dropping her off to our house saying, "remember, no snogging" in a jokey way. She just cringes like any teenager would.

TrickyBiscuits I know what you mean. If I talk about sex, I'm putting the idea into his head. If I don't I'm not protecting him from the inevitable.

This is TOTALLY different to suggesting that I am conditioning my own son for sex. If Quintessential meant something else then they should say so.

OP posts:
hellymelly · 26/07/2011 17:29

My DH had a "girlfriend" at 12 ish.They just had the odd peck on the lips and blushed a lot,it never went further than that,and all their friends were doing the "He's my boyfriend" thing too.I do think it is quite normal.On the other hand I know several people who lost their virginity at 12 so caution is advisable.I wouldn't stop them meeting up,that would be very sad,but yes the sleepovers need to stop and you can just explain that now they are soon to be teenagers then sleepovers etc are not appropriate.

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 26/07/2011 17:34

Oh lordy. I don't envy you. My ds is 9 and I haven't had to face this sort of thing yet but I know it's coming. Plus, my own experience of being an 11-16 year old in the yearly 80's makes me even more anxious. In those days though nobody's parents ever imagined that their child would be 'up to' anything and they certainly never talked to us about these things.

I don't think talking honestly and openly to your ds and his 'girlfriend' about the situation will 'plant the seed' in their heads and encourage them to embark on a shag-a-thon. Just because you give somebody a fork doesn't mean they are going to eat more.

I think that being open and honest with them about sex and relationships and all that entails (safe sex, love and crucially not breaking the rule of law with regard to underage sex!) is probably quite important now, given that they have slept in the same bed! Best not to ignore it or treat it like something dirty. Best also to tell her parents about the same bed thing and get them on board with handling this situation sensitively.

In my head I have this fantasy that if ds is fully informed about sex then he will ultimately make the right decisions. I don't know though, I honestly don't know and I am so sorry that I have no actual, real life experience to share with you that will help you handle this. If anything I will be back on here in three years asking you for advice.

MABS · 26/07/2011 17:36

do you have a dp? what does he think op?

squeakytoy · 26/07/2011 17:40

When I said they shouldn't have sleepovers, she said, all aghast, why? what on earth do you think we're going to do!

So, no I don't think they are thinking like that yet

hahahahahahahahahaha....

and another hahahahahaha......

along with the infamous quote "she would say that, wouldnt she" Grin

I was happily sleeping with my bf just before I was 14.... and that is exactly what I would have said to my mother or my boyfriends mother had they questioned us.... and my mother believed me too....

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 17:50

Yes, Filthy in a perfect world, I would have my DS spend every night at home in his own bed, alone until he's 18, or even 21 Grin

But whilst I can put a ban on sleepovers easily at age 12, this is not going to go away as he gets older. I will keep talking to him about sex etc. even though he is embarrased about it. Taking my cue from him, it's too early for him to thinking like that and he always says, "Oh Mum!". He has a friend, a year younger, who is as tall as a man, broad, with a deep voice and that 'teenager' awkwardness. He clearly is much more physically mature even at the tender age of 11. It's definately a bit of a minefield.

MABS DH is usually happy for me to make decisions regarding DCs as he trusts my judgement but he does agree that sleepovers can't happen for DS anymore. DH was like that himself at that age, lots of interest in girls, kissing behind the bike sheds. Nothing heavy, nothing serious. Didn't actually DTD until he was 17 (don't tell him I told you that). I was not the least interested in boys at that age. I was still climbing trees and racing go-karts and occasionally getting into 'scraps' with boys Grin

It's such a shame because DS himself seems so innocent. All he wants to do is have fun with his friends. He can't see what the fuss is all about. It's just a cuddle and a peck on the lips as far as he's concerned.

OP posts:
BadBagel · 26/07/2011 18:00

I wouldn't stop the sleep overs but set firm rules, absolutely no sleeping in the same bed and no sleeping in the same room. If those rules get broken, the sleep overs stop.

I would also sit them both down and have the safe sex talk again. If they want to have sex they will have it but at least they know you are not blind to this :)

And tbh if they were having sex I'd rather have them doing it in my house than behind the bike sheds.

MABS · 26/07/2011 18:20

totally get wht you are saying op. my dd is 16 but dh still thinks she is about 8, his little girl....

ScarlettIsWalking · 26/07/2011 18:24

" if they want to have sex they will have it"

what, at twelve?

Caoimhe · 26/07/2011 18:30

Good grief, my 12 year old Ds still plays with Lego. When did people start thinking it was okay for young children to have girlfriends/boyfriends?

eurochick · 26/07/2011 18:33

I was snogging at 12. With tongues and everything. And possible letting the odd grab of boob go on. It is an age where many kids are getting their first sexual feelings. I am not sure that putting them in a situation where they are left in bed together is in any way helpful. Unless you want to sexualise them early.