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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

280 replies

Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 14:48

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him Shock

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

OP posts:
scuzy · 26/07/2011 15:31

fairenuff i wouldnt stop them seeing each other. i would encourage your ds to get out and meet other people and as someone suggested have the friend over for an evening but no alone time upstairs with door closed or sleepovers. thats all.

Renaissance227 · 26/07/2011 15:31

I don't agree with the not seeing each other at all; that really is over the top!
I see now that it is quite innocent at the min but you are definitely within the right to suggest that they no longer have sleepovers.
Maybe the friend's party would be ok with lots of them being there, but no more sleep overs at each others houses.

jeckadeck · 26/07/2011 15:32

some of you guys are really over-reacting, imho. Yes, the OP needs to impose boundaries but s/he knows that already and is wondering how to do it/go about it. No one is suggesting they should be encouraged to have sex. My own recollection of being that age is that while no-one actually had sex or anything close to it, kids of that age are a) pretty knowing yet b) know that its not something on the cards for them at the moment. There was quite a lot of proto-snogging and stuff going on. As long as it stops there, this is pretty harmless exploration. Clearly now is the time to lay down the law about separate bedrooms etc, but anyone would think that the OP had been encouraging underage sex, which isn't the case.

Filibear · 26/07/2011 15:33

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venusandmars · 26/07/2011 15:33

Agree with combineArvester about a certain level of hysteria.

I had my first boyfriend when I was five, we got told off for holding hands in Sunday School Blush.

In the adult social group with which I have mixed for 30+ years, the 'children' have always rampaged together in mixed groups usually up until the age of about 13. It was entirely expected that there would be some 'special' friendships which seemed closer than others, and (rather like the OP, I suspect) we would be on the look out for when these might be on the brink of turing into something more.

Having older dc however (and knowing the reality of what they are likely to get up to), I am surprised by the naivety of people with 15 / 16 year olds who think they won't be, at least, seriously tempted.

Filibear · 26/07/2011 15:34

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scuzy · 26/07/2011 15:34

bar one or two posters i dont think the general consensus is to stop them seeing each other - just stop the sleepovers thats all.

and even if he is embarrassed you need to talk with him about sex more. make sure he has things right in his head and not playground myths!

joric · 26/07/2011 15:34

The boyfriend/ girlfriend bit is fine IMO.
Just no sleepovers esp. in same room from now on OP.
There was a boy of 13 at school who got his girlfriend ( she was older- 15 ) pregnant.
Don't allow DS to put your family in that situation.

WyrdMother · 26/07/2011 15:42

Most of the top two years at my DD's primary have had boyfriends/girlfriends at some point. This is from observation and overhearing things in the playground. They get together and break up at the drop of a hat, it's hardly more that a game. I do agree however that the sleepovers should stop, it's a too much of an opportunity for things to develop.

I'm a bit boggled by the idea that this close friendship should be broken up just because they are of opposite genders and are just becoming aware of each other in that light, as long as there are some clear boundaries set and the sleepovers stopped wouldn't it be better to butt the heck out and let it die (or possibly flourish) of it's own accord? Won't heavy handed action on OP's part ramp up the romance and drama of the situation rather than nip it in the bud?

tiredgranny · 26/07/2011 15:42

so if u stop sleepovere they will not have sex

venusandmars · 26/07/2011 15:42

And, fairenuff don't let your embarassment ever stop you from speaking to your son (or the girl) about what they are doing. My dd had her bf staying over one night (both age 16 but she KNEW the house rules about sleeping in seperate rooms).

When I foudn them asleep in the same bed the next morning ("just talking, and fell asleep Mum, honest"). I read the riot act to both of them about what I expected.

cornflakegirl · 26/07/2011 15:43

I agree with tadpole - my 6yo DS has sleepovers with my friend's DDs of a similar age. I can completely see how the friendship would develop gradually.

And think it's probably sensible to say no to the party sleepover - but on the grounds that it's not really appropriate for teenagers, rather than because his friend is going.

Would agree that they should be encouraged to think of each other as friends rather than boyfriend/girlfriend. Don't try to stop them seeing each other, but encourage socialising in a mixed group. (I don't have teenagers, so that's based on advice I got when I was a teenager rather than experience.)

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 15:48

Filibear

TBH you really dont need to ask if you should put a stop to this, I think you know the answer at their age it is not appropriate

Yes, the reason I ask AIBU is because when I say the sleepovers have to stop, I don't just mean at our house.

This means that DS cannot go to any house for a party (as in the upcoming tent sleepover party) unless I can be sure it's single a single sex party.

DS thinks I AM being unreasonable, but that's OK, I would expect him to say that as he has no ulterior motives, no sexual intentions, etc. he just wants to share in the fun with his friends.

However, I was hoping for other MNers who have been in this or a similar position to give me their unbiased answers, hence AIBU.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 26/07/2011 15:48

Has it ever occured to you that by allowing this to happen you are conditioning your son into a sexual relationship that might otherwise not have developed?

MumblingRagDoll · 26/07/2011 15:48

I dont think anyone has overreacted. Sleepovers between kids of the opposite sex need to stop at arond 9 or `10. Which is when puberty can begn.

nojustificationneeded · 26/07/2011 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oiwheresthecoffee · 26/07/2011 15:53

Is this one of those when they are boyfriend and girlfriend but they are more friends really as they are so young ? But they call each other bf and gf ? I had a "boyfriend" when i was about 4. I has really upset when he "dumped" me. But. As they are getting older it might be an idea to stop the sleepovers yes.

oiwheresthecoffee · 26/07/2011 15:54

i dont think its odd at all but as they are getting older it may start to become less and less appropriate for them to share a room for a sleep over. Maybe even to have them at all im not sure.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 15:54

by allowing this to happen you are conditioning your son into a sexual relationship that might otherwise not have developed? Shock

Really?

For the record, I am NOT conditioning my son into sex and I find the suggestion offensive.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 26/07/2011 15:57

I think they can see each other,as friends,but not as bf/gf,though you can't really stop them as thinking of themselves as such I'd certainly discourage it.
They're too young to have a relationship,spending time in a group that's fine,but no more sleepovers,and I'd be reluctant to allow them to spend time together in his/her room unless friends are present.

oiwheresthecoffee · 26/07/2011 15:58

And i also have a family member that had a childhood friend from a very young age - no sleepovers that i know of but they eventually became more than friends and we married by about 18 (normal back then). They have been married over 50 years now.
These things can develop into more so it is worth keeping a close eye on them as they are etting to that stage where they might experiment.

Lovesicecream · 26/07/2011 15:58

no you shouldn't stop them seeing each other, they should not be sleeping in the same room though

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 26/07/2011 15:59

Just to add another story, my little brother (big age gap) has always been a bit geeky, last boy you would ever expect to be interested in girls. He hit age 12, grew a foot, got interested in girls, and started having sex. AT 12!! This is a boy who 6 months earlier was into computer games and McDonalds toys.

LetThereBeRock · 26/07/2011 16:00

And I'd say no to any mixed sleepovers,if this girl is present or not.

venusandmars · 26/07/2011 16:04

To the poster who suggest that you should allow them to see each other, but not as boyfriend and girlfriend, I wonder if you have any practical advice on how to achieve this?

If my own experience is anything to go by, comments about "you're too young to be having a boyfriend" only reinforced my opinion that my parents were woefully out of touch with my reality.

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