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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

280 replies

Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 14:48

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him Shock

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

OP posts:
HyssopBlue · 26/07/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iskra · 26/07/2011 15:07

I lost my virginity at 13 with the boy I'd always been having sleepovers with.

VivaLeBeaver · 26/07/2011 15:07

I was having sex when I was twelve. Believe me they are capable of doing it at this age.

valiumredhead · 26/07/2011 15:08

What the bloody fuck Shock

and

Can 12 year old boys even have sex though?? I have a 12 year old and they're still little kids

Are you kidding? Shock

Reality · 26/07/2011 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 26/07/2011 15:08

2 x shocked faces in one post - a first for me Grin

crispyseaweed · 26/07/2011 15:08

No YANBU you dont want to end up with her pregnant and its illegal

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 15:10

Oh dear, think I need to clarify a little more.

At the end of Year 6 DS told me that the 'friend' was now his 'girlfriend' and had been for about a year and a half but they hadn't told anyone else. This seemed very innocent and 'childish' and I didn't think anything of it at the time. They had always seemed the same around me, not holding hands or anything special, although they did always seem to gravitate towards each other.

Since then they have been more open about their relationship, holding hands, saying 'love you', buying/making each other gifts, etc. They went to different secondary schools but kept in touch and see each other about once a month. So not a full blown 'serious' relationship in my opinion.

They have both only just turned 12, so are still very young. The last time they saw each other, they said goodbye with a hug which was usual, but then they kissed on the lips Shock

Since then, I have said no sleepovers. DS has been invited to a birthday party which will involve sleeping in a tent and she has also been invited. I have said no. He's not happy about it, hence, the AIBU.

OP posts:
Lainey1981 · 26/07/2011 15:10

Is this for real?
Shock

Lainey1981 · 26/07/2011 15:11

Sorry x post

DialMforMummy · 26/07/2011 15:12

Why do they need sleepovers anyway?

HyssopBlue · 26/07/2011 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aliceliddell · 26/07/2011 15:15

YY 12yr olds can 'do it'. If they want to - they will, to some extent the bed sharing gives them more easy opportunities, but takng the bed away won't take the desire away if if it's already there. I'm a bit surprised at the shocked reactions here tbh, but actually quite enlightened. I was a neglected teenager (alcoholic mother) so no clear idea how to gauge all this. There was a horrible case recently of an 8yr old girl raped by class-mates, so 12 definitely possible.

MoreBeta · 26/07/2011 15:16

DialMforMummy - thank goodness you asked so I didn't have to. I just don't get this modern phenomenon of teenagers doing sleepovers at all.

I know several parents that will not allow it at all. Full stop.

I am one that intends to ban it as well.

Renaissance227 · 26/07/2011 15:16

Has your DS/his girlfriend brought up the question of sex?
Just wondering whether it has crossed their minds yet or is it the sleeping in the same bed thing putting it in your mind!
Have you actually seen them "snog" or is it just still up to a peck on the lips?

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 15:16

DialM exactly! I think sleepovers are for kids and once they grow out of that phase, they don't need them. They just stay up all night and are grotty the next day.

Btw DS is not very physically mature at the moment, no hair, voice changing, teenager stroppiness etc. But he is on the brink which is why I have not been overly concerned before.

OP posts:
LetThereBeRock · 26/07/2011 15:16

I'd be putting a stop to the relationship and not just the sleepovers.12 year olds do not need and should not have girlfriends/boyfriends,let alone a three year old relationship.They are children and need you to set some boundaries.

scuzy · 26/07/2011 15:17

you sound very naive and "not with it" so to speak. how can you talk to your ds about sex and whats appropriate if you dont even think he can HAVE sex?!?

CombineArvester · 26/07/2011 15:19

Ok some of these responses might be a little hysterical.

When we were between 9-12 we used to have boyfriends and girlfriends. We hung out at playtime with each other, holding hands or with arm round each other. Lots of hugging, occassional chaste kissing on cheek, rarely on lips. Many a break-up was caused by the boy wanting to go to far e.g. actually snog. Really it was more a friendship, a play acting of an older teen relationship. Sometimes I went to my boyfriends house and played on his gameboy after school (not a euphemism young ladies -something like a DS). They were often very short 'relationships'.

Your main concern here would be that because they have been friends for so long they might trust each other to experiment more once they have those feelings, or that one might have those feelings first and pressurise the other into acting on them. So I think you are right to stop the sleepovers, and encourage them to hang round more in a big group. But I don't think you need to worry about anything that might have happened already because they are really very young and it sounds as if up til now they were having a similar sort of 'relationship' that we used to have.

lollipopzikle · 26/07/2011 15:21

When i was 9-12, i used to share my boyfriend with my friends because we all fancied him! Grin

teenyweenytadpole · 26/07/2011 15:24

Hi, I think a lot of posters have been somewhat harsh to the OP. She said her DS and his girlfriend started off as friends at 5 - I can totally see how this scenario might occur, I had boys as best friends at this age, and my DD also has a best friend who is a boy and they do sleepovers in the same room (they are 7). I think it's a bit dramatic to be talking about social services and suchlike. Having said that, I do agree that by 12 it's not really appropriate anymore and yes 12 year old boys are quite capable of having sex (as are 12 year old girls). I would definitely be encouraging them away from an exclusive relationship and more towards socialising with friends of their own gender. And I'd have a word with them and say sorry but as you are getting more grown up now we need to have you in separate rooms. Could you and the girls parents have a chat about it and see if you can agree some ground rules? Are sleepovers really necessary? Couldn't they just spend the evening together (with the family, rather than locked away in their own room) and then go home at the end of the evening? I can remember all the things I got up to at 15 in my boyfriends bedroom - quite naughty! but I wouldn't want my 12 year old doing it. Boys were never ever allowed in my bedroom at home until I was married!

tiredgranny · 26/07/2011 15:26

letthereberock

how do u stop relatioship they at school together etc ban them from going out the more try to stop will make them do opposite

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 15:26

Renaissance

I've only seen a peck. The GF told me my DS did dare her to snog him but she said no. When I said they shouldn't have sleepovers, she said, all aghast, why? what on earth do you think we're going to do!

So, no I don't think they are thinking like that yet. But is has moved on from hand holding to hugging, from a peck on the cheek, to a kiss on the lips.

It still sounds very innocent and I don't, for a moment, think there's much more to it than that. We are open about talking about sex, relationships, feelings, etc. with DS but he's a bit embarrassed discussing it still.

It's like they want to be friends and to be close, and the girl/boyfriend side is just a small part of who they are. I feel that they think it's unfair that they can't both go to a camping/birthday/sleepover where lots of their others friends will be.

Someone here said that they shouldn't be allowed to see each other at all?

Not sure about that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 15:28

Letthereberock

I'd be putting a stop to the relationship and not just the sleepovers.12 year olds do not need and should not have girlfriends/boyfriends,let alone a three year old relationship.They are children and need you to set some boundaries

Do you think I should say they can't see each other at all?

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 26/07/2011 15:29

Gosh tiredgranny, you are tired aren't you. Hmm