DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

[Fairenuff]

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

Didn't mean that to come over as confrontational, it was a genuine enquiry

I have also told him that he does not have to continue the relationship if he doesn't want to. It's OK to say no. It's OK to just be friends.

This is the bit I don't understand in your attitude Fair. HE is 12! Of course they are only friends. It is not a 'relationship'. But what it might be is a confused friendship that has already included some sexual experiences. What exactly are you telling him that 'it is ok to say no' to?

It seems to me that you need to readjust the balance here between being liberal and pc about children of different genders being friends in theory (which I agree with), and protecting your child's right to a childhood friendship that does not become the potentially sexual relationship of a gf/bf before he can handle all that entails. As you say, your DS does not say i love you to his other friends. He'll probably hate her in any case by the time he's 14!

You do need to help your DS to define his friendship as a friendship IMO. Leaving it to him is to risk leaving him to become confused and miss what is appropriate to 12 years old. (Actually I would not like to make any child feel silly... but I was trying to think of a way for him to see having a gf at 12 as a bit silly iyswim).

YANBU ~ As young and innocent as they may be; the temptation will be there now. They are teens and if staying in the same room, god only knows what might happen. Better be safe than sorry and seperate roomns pref. withb your bedroom inbetween for safety. (I remember being that age and soooooooo naughty).

What exactly are you telling him that 'it is ok to say no' to?

Any kind of touching or talking that makes him uncomfortable. From anyone.

pickgo

He has defined the relationship as bf/gf

You have defined it as a friendship that has already included some sexual experiences

I have not defined it.

It is a different relationship to that which he has with all his other friends, girls and boys alike. Telling him it's just a friendship the same as any other will, imo, actually confuse him more. Like it or not, he has these feelings towards this one girl.

He'll probably hate her in any case by the time he's 14!

Maybe. I don't expect them to stay together forever either but personally would not wish him to hate anyone.

fairnuff I think it sounds like you have a very good handle on this situation and the more that I have read the more I believe that. Yanbu, to prevent sleepovers. In reference to a previous post. I think you are right not to belittle him calling her girlfriend. People seem to forget that we can have very strong emotional feelings at this age.

Also, it isn't that I would always think the worst of youngsters. More a case of realising that I was treating my students based on my perceptions and experiences of being older before first kisses were even a concern.

Good luck op

well, it sounds like the other posters on here will roast me alive for saying this - but while i think that you're doing the right thing by stopping any 1:1 sleepovers immediately, i also think that you cannot stop them from taking part in all sleep-away events that they may both be at.

at 12 i think all sleep-away group events should be single sex dorms or tents and this should be policed (surely the tent party is not going to be un-chaperoned??) but it is not fair to your son or the girl to exclude them from all future school trips, youth trips, groups trips because of their close friendship. it's punishing them when they haven't done anything wrong imo.

From what people have said, I gather a lot of private sleepover parties are unsupervised in as much as some parents go to bed and leave the kids to it. Children often stay up until the early hours of the morning. Even if they are supervised, parents cannot stay awake all night.

Organised trips such as school etc. are better. It's much less likely that children would be unsupervised and they would definately sleep in same sex dorms etc. My DS will be going on a school skiing trip next year but his gf is not even at the same secondary school so it's not an issue with her.

Maryz the more we think about it, the more complicated it gets, doesn't it?

Yesterday I gave my DS a book called 'Willies - a user's guide' or something along those lines. It was written for ages 9 - 13 but still seemed fairly graphic. He was interested in reading it though (even came away from the computer for a while ).

I agree with what you say about parents' attitudes to mixed sex sleepovers. Vastly different depending on the families. I have told DS no sleepovers like that, for now at least, and he's OK with it.

Btw his girlfriend is here and they are going to go swimming. They are not in a group but will see each other in swimming costumes . There is a life guard to chaperone and they do have separate changing facilities. AIBU to let them go together?

I found this discussion very helpful. Thanks, all!

My boyfriend wasn't even allowed to play/hang out in my room let alone sleep in it - and I'm talking about when I was 19 and he is now my dh. My parents finally put a double bed in my old room for us to share when we were engaged and we moved in together 6 months before we got married (although they knew I shared a bed with dh before that when I slept at his house - but I was a young adult). 12 is way too young - stunned at your post tbh and was expecting you to say ds was 15 ish.

seriously are you mental? What happens if they do have sex and she gets pregnant.....how many lives will be ruined!

Well, I've spent an interesting hour (!) reading this one.

Fairenuff, you are definitely NBU! It's seems a shame as they were such innocent friends until recently, but they seem to be moving on from that and I'd say no unsupervised all night mixed sleepovers. He may not understand and will be upset but you are right not to put him into a situation where peer pressure and temptation may take things further.

My DS1 is 13 and is on his second 'girlfriend.' His first was in Y6 and involved a few playdates on the Wii and trampoline and bowling. Once they went to the cinema together. She went to a different secondary and it fizzled out. We weren't friends with her parents so sleepovers were never considered. His current girlfriend lives about 4 miles away so it's mainly a school and Facebook relationship, with occasional trips to the cinema. I think it's totally appropriate at that age to have special friends of the opposite sex so long as they are supervised. My 13 yo hasn't hit puberty yet, but I'm sure it's immanent!

You have had a bit of a wake up call, I suppose, finding them cuddling in bed. Perfect time to spell things out, get the 'talk' up a notch. I've still not had the sexual health and condoms one with my DS, so thanks for this timely reminder.

I hope you can see the sensible advice is there amongst all the hysterical stuff. And my DS2 has ASD so I shall also use a smiley!

i haven't read all the posts but YANBU - i remember being 11 and having a boyfriend who was 12, sat on the grassy bankings with our friends and them saying stuff like have you done x,y,z yet, and he just said no... then i remember one saying oh hes not even done x with her. we never did anything but if he had given in to peer pressure i may have too?? who knows think im just trying to say i'd be concerned just because of my experience x

This was on the Wright stuff today.

Pretty much shock horror, who can we blame?! Couldn't watch it for very long.

I had two fantastic , drug free , am-so-goddamn-happy-I-could-do-this-again-tommorow deliveries. But I just tell newbies not to worry about the birth as that is the easy part. They should worry about how to raise the child while not wanting to kill your husband/ divorce him/ run away....etc.

Sorry above message was supposed to be posted on thread about childbirth!

Christ,lets all get off the morality bandwagon!!This isn't Jeremy Kyle!!Children grow up,mistakes happen,now u know,separate rooms...

Yes Fairy - you made The Wright Stuff this morning. They described your exact situation to a tee. I was getting suspicious you were one of their researchers when I couldn't find your post again, but perhaps you're not. They seriously had every detail - it was obvious they saw this thread. They're always using MN for ideas.

Oh er... for you.

Thank goodness for anonymity, eh?