Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

280 replies

Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 14:48

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him Shock

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

OP posts:
Vicky2011 · 26/07/2011 20:33

Agree that the sleepovers must stop but honestly, some of the reactions you're getting. Take a chill pill everyone :)

CombineArvester · 26/07/2011 20:34

Not all 12 year old children want to have sex fgs! Most of them don't! The minds of middle England terrify me sometimes.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 20:42

For maypole and anyone else who can't be bothered to read the thread:

(repeat post from page 2)

Oh dear, think I need to clarify a little more.

At the end of Year 6 DS told me that the 'friend' was now his 'girlfriend' and had been for about a year and a half but they hadn't told anyone else. This seemed very innocent and 'childish' and I didn't think anything of it at the time. They had always seemed the same around me, not holding hands or anything special, although they did always seem to gravitate towards each other.

Since then they have been more open about their relationship, holding hands, saying 'love you', buying/making each other gifts, etc. They went to different secondary schools but kept in touch and see each other about once a month. So not a full blown 'serious' relationship in my opinion.

They have both only just turned 12, so are still very young. The last time they saw each other, they said goodbye with a hug which was usual, but then they kissed on the lips

Since then, I have said no sleepovers. DS has been invited to a birthday party which will involve sleeping in a tent and she has also been invited. I have said no. He's not happy about it, hence, the AIBU.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 26/07/2011 20:46

If the party involves a group of them sleeping in one tent, then YABU to stop him going.. if it was the pair of them alone in a tent, then no, they shouldnt be allowed.

maypole1 · 26/07/2011 20:58

I understood just fine thanks you allowed a 9 year old to have a steady girlfriend and sleep over in the same room un supervised

You would have no clue if they have have already done anything unless their is a.a baby or b. They tell you

eurochick · 26/07/2011 21:07

I had read the whole thread. I see the majority of posters are expressing views similar to mine, so I am not sure why you singled my post out.

But anyway, I'm afraid you are putting them in the situation by allowing a 12 year old "couple" to share a room overnight. Of course they are going to end up in the same bed and do stuff.

You asked for opinions on here and you are getting them. Stop attacking the people who have replied and wake up and see wheat is happening under your own nose.

eurochick · 26/07/2011 21:08

Incidentally, one of my close friends slept with a bloke and gave him a blow job during the summer holidays at the end of year 7. So when she was...12.

4madboys · 26/07/2011 21:11

they have been friends since they were 5 yrs old! and had sleepovers since then.

god my 9 yr old told me he had a girlfriend a while ago, they went to the school disco together and held hands and that was that, he is more obsessed by football than girls obviously.

my 11yr old has friends that are girls and is def getting to the age where he may have a crush etc.

having a 'girlfriend' or boyfriend at this age doesnt mean that much tbh, as a general rule it is just hand holding and a kiss.

the op is not going to allow them to sleep over anymore she is wanting to know about overnight camping etc at friends and i and others have said that a group of kids of both sexes this age all camping together is generally fine.

12 yr olds are not necessarily going to end up in bed and doing stuff, esp if you make the boundaries clear!

QuintessentialShadow · 26/07/2011 21:39

" " if they want to have sex they will have it"

what, at twelve?"

Why not?

If their parents have let the relationship develop from friendship to holding hands, kissing on the mouth, exploring snogging, sleeping over in the same bed hugging, which lets them believe this is normal and acceptable behaviour, then why not?

Not stopping this sooner, ie letting this develop is conditioning a child to early sexual relations, it is normalized, when this is allowed to happen without boundaries.

Thruaglassdarkly · 26/07/2011 21:51

In the OP's defence, I get the impression that she's a good mum with a quite innocent and sensible son and the whole thing's taken her aback a bit. Loads of kids wouldn't actually do anything at 12. I think she knows that she has to rethink the whole sleepover thing.

LeQueen · 26/07/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 26/07/2011 22:40

I have worked for years in residential childcare,i have known 3 girls aged 12 become pregnant,two of the fathers were 14 but one was 12 Shock in 2 of the cases the girls wanted to become pregnant,all 3 girls ended up giving up their babies within a few months of them being born.As a mum of 5 i have to admit i was very surprised and sad.

cerealqueen · 26/07/2011 22:47

It seems that they want to express their feelings, hence getting into the same bed and having a cuddle. Cuddling now and then what next. A bit more experimentation and before you know it, her dad will be knocking on the door (he sounds a bloody idiot by the way).

Being embarrassed about sex at 12 means nothing, he'll be responding like that when he is 12, 28...38, if it is his mum raising the issue.

Stop the sleepovers, and set some boundaries.

pranma · 26/07/2011 22:48

Actually I would allow the tent sleepover if it is a large group of mixed sex kids around the same age.Presumably the party will have adult supervision and there will be several dc in each tent so no opportunity for any untoward behaviour.No more one to one sleepovers though.

Allinabinbag · 26/07/2011 22:58

You don't have to assume they are about to have sex to think it inappropriate for them to be sharing a room/bed aged 12. They may be very innocent and years away from sex, they may not. The point is you don't know and you definitely need boundaries in place that spell out what is appropriate in your house.

However, what I find interesting is the outrage this has caused. Ok, they are 12, but several people on here have said they were having sexual activity at 12/13, and apparently about half do before the legal age. So, when, if at all, is it ok to have boyfriends/girlfriends over, or do you just hope they go elsewhere like lots of their parents did? If I said no sleepovers with boyfriends before 16, would I be being hopelessly naive?

Original poster
Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 23:10

Allinabinbag that's why I have said no sleepovers AT ALL.

Because you are even less in control when they're not even in your house.

OP posts:
Mrswhiskerson · 26/07/2011 23:11

I had a boyfriend at eleven and it was very innocent as I'm sure your ds relationship is , puppy love as it is called is looked down upon by most adults as being nothing but it will mean a lot to your ds . I would not allow them to share a room and I would have a talk with your son about the birds and the bees , chances are he would be horrified at the idea of having sex And I think some people are going over the top with their reactions to your post it's not like you are handing out the condoms at the front door ffs.

Mare11bp · 26/07/2011 23:11

Confused, Hmm and Shock.

And I am no prude.

If this isn't a troll post, I would say be very careful, you are into social services territory.

midlandsmumof4 · 26/07/2011 23:12

They are twelve years old. They have no concept of the word 'love'...They kiss on the lips but he has 'dared' her to snog him? Get a grip. Sorry but they should NOT be sharing a room and they also shouldn't be having sleepovers but apparently they are allowed at her house aswell. What planet do you people live on?? And there's a big difference to allowing five year olds to have sleepovers than when they're 12 Shock.

Maryz · 26/07/2011 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blindcavesalamander · 26/07/2011 23:37

I havn't read every single thread but enough I think .
OP, I don't think you are a bad mother at all. Some of these posters seem to be reacting as though you have abused these children or something. It's not always easy to keep up with the development of your children and probably quite common to keep thinking of them as little when they grow older, and in many ways, ofcourse, they are still young children. You are not unusual or anything to let (as if you really have a choice, without being overbearing) him have a girlfriend and I think you've done a really great thing for him to foster a friendship with a girl.He will probably grow up to be a really good and respectful man who treats women well and sees them as fellow human beings rather than sex objects because he has been encouraged to have a close friend who is a girl. I would continue to encourage their friendship, whatever label they are giving it, and I expect they feel safe with each other as partners to experiment with early sexuality together. Have lots of conversations with him about developing sexuality and the age of consent and how it can spoil the joy of sex (to copy a phrase) if you go too far too young. Say kissing is fine and so is cuddling and holding hands, but he is not old enough for anything beyond that. You can also explain that because sexual feelings can be powerful and lead you to go farther than you anticipated you can't allow them to have sleepovers together anymore or be alone in the bedroom together, but that this isn't because you don't 'trust' him or feel judgemental about it, you just understand how tempting it can be and that the new rules are suited to his new stage of development. You can give him lots of praise for managing to keep such a good friendship going for so long. He sounds like a really nice boy and you sound like a really nice mother. You can try to take them on fun outings together to keep them busy and to try to make up for stopping the sleepovers.

Blindcavesalamander · 26/07/2011 23:43

Allinabinbag I agree that the outrage this has caused is very interesting. I know I was 15 when I first had sex and what would have stopped me was probably being taken to a desert island with nobody on it! I think I will try to say 16. A good friend of mine has a 15 year old daughter and I'm watching their moves with interest as she is heading into that territory before me. I know I would prefer my girls to be safe and not having sex in public places like parks etc. Maybe they wouldn't anyway, but it's certainly not unusual when they are in love and feeling passionate and have nowhere else to go.

Mrswhiskerson · 26/07/2011 23:52

If it is true that they want to have sex which I very much doubt they will find a way to have it and it is all the more exciting when it is forbidden by the parents. The twelve year olds who have become parents or had sex given blow jobs etc are a exception not the rule.

And when it comes right down to it what would all you hysterical people want your ds sharing a room safe in the house where you can keep an eye or finding somewhere outside to do it at risk of being found by dirty perverts and the like? It is every parents responsibilty to teach their dc about safe sex respect for yourself and others and the consequences of having sex before you are emotionally and physically mature enough . Doing this right will
mean your dc will be far more willing to talk to you before doing anything.

I was banned from sharing a room with my boyfriend until I was twenty one do you think that stopped me from having sex? Not for a second and I wish I could have talked to my parents without the fear of them going off it and banning me from seeing him altogether .

Op I really disagree with the people on here saying you are a bad parent if you were a bad paren t you wouldn't have bothered coming on here at all to ask advice.

Mrswhiskerson · 26/07/2011 23:55

What blindcavesalamnder said is absolutely spot on .

2rebecca · 27/07/2011 00:01

My son is 14 and daughter 13 and I wouldn't contemplate this. Far too young to be sleeping with someone of the opposite sex. I find it bizarre you might think it's OK.
I don't think you can stop the "she is my girlfriend" stuff but you can ensure they come home at a sensible time and at 12 I wouldn't be leaving them in a room alone together.
My parents never let me go to mixed all night parties and I'm the same with my kids. Same sex sleepovers are fine, mixed sex no.
There is plenty of time for serious relationships when they are older.