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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

280 replies

Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 14:48

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him Shock

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/07/2011 22:26

No good putting them into separate rooms they will probably sneak into each others room. I know all the tricks of the trade lol

Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 22:28

piglet

OK thank you for being specific. Yes, they have had sleepovers since the age of 5 and shared a room. Last time was 3 months ago (when they were still both 11). When I checked on them, she had got into his bed for a cuddle. I told them they could not share a bed and the sleepovers would have to stop. The only kiss I have seen is a peck on the lips, but yes, it does show the relationship developing. Please understand, the sleepovers HAVE stopped. This was clear from my first post.

Next they will probably have sex like teenagers - well I don't know about that. Did you go from first boyfriend holding hands, peck on the lips to full sex within a few weeks, months? Or was it more likely years, as you developed.

At some stage in his life my son will have sex, when he is emotionally mature enough. Now is too soon for him. I KNOW some of 12/13/14/15 year olds do, I am not disputing that.

HTH

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 22:31

Sorry Driftwood really not getting you here. Could you be a little more specific. Really happy to answer your questions, honestly I am, but am not sure what your point is.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/07/2011 22:32

You never know, Fair some do, and they could, does not mean that they will, you have to keep an open mind.

Driftwood999 · 28/07/2011 22:36

Fairenuff Do you mean that you hope your son will have sex when he is emotionally mature enough.

Maryz · 28/07/2011 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 22:38

I am well aware of that piglet which is why I have stopped the sleepovers. I have also stated previously that separate rooms are no good because they could move in the night. Also, the whole point of a sleepover is that you're sharing your friends room.

Btw, if you read the thread you will also see that I wan't aware they were gf/bf until the end of year 6 because they didn't tell anyone.

You will also see if you read back, that I have spoken to my ds about growing up/sex/relationships etc. and I DO have an open mind.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 28/07/2011 22:40

Oh ok fair Smile sorry. Seems like you have it all in hand then.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 22:43

Driftwood do you have a problem discussing sex and relationships with your children? How old are they, still young? Have you got advice to offer to help me guide a child through puberty into adulthood, without making them think sex is bad or wrong? I am willing to listen if you think you can help.

OP posts:
Driftwood999 · 28/07/2011 22:55

Not insinuations Maryz merely the observation that children do not wait for "an exact time" to have sex. It just happens. What adults can do though, is to thoroughly discuss the subject with them early on. Just a thought. The whole sleepover concept Grin is over indulgent imo. The OP has sensibly put an end to that. Young people need supervision/guidence/chaperones.....

Driftwood999 · 28/07/2011 23:12

Fairenuff 2 children, girl and boy in their 20's. Both fully fledged Grin Brought up to understand that sex should be good, though not compulsory, and they know that after being set boundaries (which I think is the stage you are at) We found, or rather saw our son in bed with a "friend" at 14, they were peacefully asleep. Her parents found out, our son was very nearly expelled from his school over it. So, yes, we do know about it. It is (or was) an offence to f* a girl under the age of 16 by they way, even if the boy is under age. I have seen it all but you would not believe it here.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 23:19

Thank you Driftwood now that's the kind if input that makes sense to me. It is, of course, still illegal to have underage sex (technically it's rape because consent CANNOT be given). Did you set boundaries before or after your son shared his bed? I only ask because I am well aware that 'setting the boudaries' (and policing them) is only the begining. There are all those other times when they will have to take everything we've told them and make their own decisions.

OP posts:
Driftwood999 · 28/07/2011 23:35

The boundaries are the one's that you can reinforce, ie. not making it easy for them. Involving extended family, sense of humour, not buying them a double bed. You cannot enforce anything... but I do believe that a consistant message will, as likely as not, get through in the end. Having said that, our son managed to have an early sexual relationship, but just learned to be discreet. I remember many occasions standing up to him saying "you know how your body works" subtext being "you know where babies come from"

Lovesicecream · 28/07/2011 23:48

You have stopped the sleep overs, you have spoken to your son about sex and relationships, obviously no one can stop teenagers from having sex I think you just have to be able to talk things through with them and be open and honest about sex.

My eldest is nearly 17, we've had plenty of conversations about sex and relationships over the years, I've also made it clear he has to be responsible for his own sexual health and guarding against pregnancy, weve watched a few documentarys over the last couple of years on teenage pg and he was horrified at the number of pg girls who had lied to their boyfriends about being on the pill

Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 23:51

Yes, only I don't use subtext I actually say what I mean so that it is clear.

I understand the 'not under my roof' message but I also want to try and make them aware that they do have to control themselves, make the right decisions for themselves, in all aspects of becoming an independent adult, not just sexually.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 23:53

icecream good point also about sexual health. It's not all about pregnancies.

OP posts:
Driftwood999 · 29/07/2011 00:12

The subtext comment means that a message given previously, as in "you know where babies comes from?" is repeated in a mutually understood code "you know how your body works" Our children do share a sense of humour with us. Subtext is good, after you have delivered the clear message, you need a reminder, a shorthand. Saves you repeating yourself too many times in the same way.

kiwimumof2boys · 29/07/2011 01:37

What do the girls' parents think of this ??
I'm assuming she has no dad - because any father in his right mind would be around at yours like a shot if he was aware of this !!!
Also - a 3 year realtionship at 12 ??!! WTF ??

pickgo · 29/07/2011 02:59

Fair Have you told the girl's parents that you actually found the two of them in bed together?

I'd definitely be saying no to ALL sleepovers - in a room/tent/mixed sex/single sex.

I'd also be discouraging this 'friendship'. I think it sounds unhealthy for a 12 year old to be phoning his 'gf' and saying i love you. If that were my DS I'd be telling him not to be silly and ask him if he tells his male friends if he loves them? As for being gf/bf I'd tell him he;s far too young for that sort of thing.

Does your DS have lots of interests? Do you do lots of activities as a family? I think a boy of this age to be saying these sorts of things sounds like he might need a bit more input tbh. Do you still give him lots of hugs and love? Does his dad? Extended family?

MigratingCoconuts · 29/07/2011 07:59

kwimi and picko, that was discussed further back up the thread. Op has already stated that the parents know and do not see anything wrong as they still view them as children who have no concept of a sexual relationship. This is because the children have been close friends since about the age of 5.

It is Op who is raising the questions about their changing bodies/minset before they have gone through puberty so that boundaries on what makes a healthy. As I read it, she is very clear that these are two very innocent children who have not yet gone through puberty and are not in any kind of sexual relationship at all, at present.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 29/07/2011 12:06

pickgo

I'd also be discouraging this 'friendship'. I think it sounds unhealthy for a 12 year old to be phoning his 'gf' and saying i love you. If that were my DS I'd be telling him not to be silly and ask him if he tells his male friends if he loves them? As for being gf/bf I'd tell him he;s far too young for that sort of thing.

Lots of interesting things in your statement which stand out to me.

The word friendship in '...' It is a very real friendship first and foremost and has been for about seven years. Girls and boys can be friends at any age.

He phones his 'gf' the same as he would phone any friend. He says "Bye, loveyou" at the end of the conversation. As do I when talking to my good friends.

I certainly would not belittle his genuine feelings by telling him 'not to be silly' Shock

He does not tell his male friends he loves them. Neither does my husband. Or any other male that I know of. But almost all of my female friends say it to each other.

Finally, how he defines his relationship is up to him. I do not encourage it. I do not call her his gf I call her by her name.

He is an extremely affectionate, cheerful young lad. He loves cuddles with me and his dad. In fact his dad still carries him (well slung over the shoulder fireman's lift style Grin) up to bed for a story most nights. He has not yet entered the teenage 'stroppiness' stage so we are enjoying all the time we spend together as a family.

It's been so interesting to me reading this thread that a lot of adults' first thought is not the innocence and 'childlike' quality of first love but the fact that it's scary, and bad and should be stopped.

Knowing my son as I do I feel that what he really needs is guidance, advice, boundaries and love to help keep him safe as he matures.

I find it sad that so many people think the worst of our youth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairenuff · 29/07/2011 13:42

Driftwood999 Thu 28-Jul-11 21:23:55

OP, are you intimitated by your children?

What a strange question? Why would you ask that on this thread? Unless a child is exhibiting violent/threatening behaviour why on earth would a parent feel intimidated by their child?

My DCs (12 & 14) are delightful, funny, intelligent, imperfect kids and we love 'em Grin

OP posts:
aliceliddell · 29/07/2011 14:04

Just to ask the question again, in a slightly different way - are you only worried by boy/girl sleepovers leading to sex? It is possible they might be lesbians or gay. Is that OK because no preg. can result? Diseases less likely with lesbians, not so with gay.

vanfurgston · 29/07/2011 14:58

YANBU and u seem like a very level headed person. good luc with it all

Original poster
Fairenuff · 29/07/2011 15:28

alice

At this stage I have stopped my son's sleepovers because I have become aware that he might be getting ready to explore sexuality a little more than hand holding and a peck on the lips. As well as stopping sleepovers, I have discussed their relationship with him and his future responsibility to keep himself and his partner(s) safe. I have also told him that he does not have to continue the relationship if he doesn't want to. It's OK to say no. It's OK to just be friends.

Whether or not either one of them is or might prove to be gay is not really a concern of mine right now. If he is, he is and he will also find a way to explore that if he wants to. None of these issues are my choices. I am just trying to keep him safe and well informed.

OP posts:
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