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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS wants to sleep with his girlfriend

280 replies

Fairenuff · 26/07/2011 14:48

DS is 12 and has had the same girlfriend for 3 years (also 12yo). They were friends before they became 'an item'.

The thing is, they have always had sleepovers at each others houses, where they share a room. Last time they slept here was about 3 months ago. She had a separate bed in his room, as usual, but when I checked on them, they were in the same bed with their arms around each other.

I have spoken to DS about it and told him they can't share a bed, but now I'm thinking that actually, they should not have sleepovers because I can't 'police' them all night.

I know they are very young, they have both said they're not going to 'do anything' but they do kiss on the lips and say they love each other. DS's girlfriend has told me that he 'dared' her to 'snog' him Shock

AIBU to say 'no' to sleepovers?

OP posts:
Baby2b · 27/07/2011 06:43

As a form tutor to 30 girls aged 11/12 I realised that I had a very naive view of when they would become sexually active. My main concern became that they only classed sex as penetration. I had been expecting their worries to be based around kissing not oral sex etc.

There was also a 12 year old in the class who had arranged to meet her 12 year old boyfriend for sex outside as all their friends thought they should be doing it. Neither were ready and luckily with parent intervention it was stopped. However, she still asked me if having 'dry sex' was ok and oral sex as 'everyone' was doing that. Sad

I agree that you are being wise to get advice on this. There is no harm in being boyfriend/ girlfriend. Communication with your child is key. I think generally not allowing mixed sex sleep overs is protecting them from a situation they may not want to be in. Good luck op.

ledkr · 27/07/2011 08:21

I always talk to my young sexually active clients about all the other things that go along with a sexual relationahip such as having to have regular smears and sti's you can soon see how immature and not ready they are when you mention that.
Its such a shame that their childhoods are so short theses days but you only have to watch a few hours of tv or open amagazine to see why.

lollipopzikle · 27/07/2011 12:47

maypole

IMO what your wrote is completely unacceptable. What right do you have to call somebody a bad mother?

If your child knows what sex at the age of 9 then shame on you.

fanjobanjowanjo · 27/07/2011 12:48

If your child knows what sex at the age of 9 then shame on you.

??

valiumredhead · 27/07/2011 13:22

What the bloody fuck are you on about lolli - they teach it in years 5/6 at school, and judging by your post it's a good job schools do cover sex ed!

aliceliddell · 27/07/2011 13:25

Agree with Salamander & Mrswhiskerson. As I said before, I am very unsure of myself in this area; I have a dd aged 11 so need help thinking it through pdq. I've found all your comments very useful, even if I may have reached a different conclusion, I appreciate your reasons for protecting kids from situations they're simply too young to handle.

valiumredhead · 27/07/2011 13:28

This thread has reduced me to saying 'what the bloody fuck' TWICE!

brass · 27/07/2011 13:43

I think it's too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at this age full stop. As soon as you go along with it as a parent you are giving them the message that it is normal and that they should be thinking/doing these things.

We've just finished year 7 and I'm astonished at the amount of pairing up that's been going on. It's not just the physical experimentation but the emotional maturity that's required and clearly lacking in all of them. They get through someone new every few weeks it seems. The experimentation stakes will only get higher and what will be left to do by the end of year 8 I wonder?

As a parent I do not understand why you wouldn't give your child the explicit message that it is not appropriate right now and that they should be concentrating on other things.

They are not ready to make these choices and emotional maturity should be established before allowing anything remotely physical to take place. As it is I suspect DS's classmates are being dragged along by bravado and peer pressure.

Let them be children for FFS.

brass · 27/07/2011 13:47

normal for a young child before anyone jumps in!

Original poster
Fairenuff · 27/07/2011 13:55

Quintessential

If their parents have let the relationship develop from friendship to holding hands, kissing on the mouth, exploring snogging, sleeping over in the same bed hugging, which lets them believe this is normal and acceptable behaviour, then why not?

See, this is why I don't think you have read what I actually wrote, or you didn't understand it.

The parents did not let the relationship develop, the children did that themselves at school. Do you know who your child is holding hands with? And are you concerned that they are about to have sex because of it?

kissing on the mouth - this is a peck on the mouth btw, (which I have stated) and as soon as I saw it happen I stopped the sleepovers.

exploring snogging - where did you get this from? The 'DS dared her to snog him but she said no'? comment. I have seen no 'snogging'.

sleeping in the same bed hugging again not accepted by the parent. I have said that I told my son he can't do this and I have stopped the sleepovers.

which lets them believe this is normal - how? I have expressly told them that it is NOT acceptable. And have stopped the sleepovers.

Not stopping this sooner, ie letting this develop is conditioning a child to early sexual relations, it is normalized, when this is allowed to happen without boundaries

How is this behaviour normalised when I have told them that they can NOT have sleepovers? I couldn't stop it sooner because there was nothing to stop.

I think your comments are in response to what other posters have been speculating about, not what I have written.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 13:55

have just read through this thread and what shocks me most is how many posters are willing to post very opinionated posts without having read the thread properly. Its all a bit 'Dailey Mail Headline' for me.

Op, you sound perfectly sane and reasonable IMO, your son sounds like he is a lovely boy and in answer to your question, no, YANBU

MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 13:56

sorry...'Daily' Smile

Rubyx · 27/07/2011 14:27

It is illegal, it is wrong, they are far too young

PinkSchmoo · 27/07/2011 14:31

I've tried to read the whole thread and think I've got most of it.

YANBU to stop all sleepovers. Not something I had fully considered as my dcs are v little but it was another posters description of a sleepover as an all night party that cemented my view they are inappropriate for mixed sex groups when the kids get into double digits.

Think op has got a lot of flack for encouraging the bf/gf relationship when it was going on for 1.5 years before she was told about it, such as it is.

Good luck op.

PinkSchmoo · 27/07/2011 14:33

Rubyx, it is illegal and wrong for the op to BAN her DS from attending sleepovers??? Know it all went a bit nanny state under Labour but I missed that one.

Dorje · 27/07/2011 14:36

Well if they don't have sex in your house, they will have it somewhere else....

I'd have a chat with her parents and make darn sure that your boy knows how to put on a condom.

Lovesicecream · 27/07/2011 14:43

I think she's saying it's illegal for them to be sleeping in the same bed

Op I think your right, I wouldn't let them have sleep overs either, as for having gf/ bf holding hands, kissing it's all part of growing up and learning about relationships, I remember having bf at this age and holding hands, giving them a peck etc it doesn't mean they will be at it like bunnies the minute your backs turned!

Original poster
Fairenuff · 27/07/2011 14:48

Pink yes, the gf/bf thing has been very much misunderstood on this post.

Even now, they are mostly just friends. When they are together they play on their playstation/nintendo games, they go on the trampoline in the garden, they play on the swings at the park, they kick a ball around, watch tv together, all the 'normal' friend things. The only thing that makes them feel that they are bf/gf is that they sometimes hold hands when walking along, give each other little homemade gifts and say 'love you' at the end of phone calls.

I have not encouraged them to behave in any way except what is natural to them.

They are the ones who have 'labelled' this relationship, not me, not their friends.

OP posts:
lollipopzikle · 27/07/2011 14:53

My sister will be going into year 6 in September, she 'plays out' with boys from next door, building tree houses, and having water fights. She has never even mentioned the word 'sex'. I am completely shocked that your children know about sex at such a young age!

4madboys · 27/07/2011 15:04

we your dd WILL have had sex ed already at school and will be having more in yr sex, i think its highly unlikely that she doesnt know what sex is. and more to the point YOU should be educating her about it lolli as she WILL have heard about it in the playground and will only hear more that way as time goes on. if she doesnt know about sex what about periods etc, surely you have told her about those seeing as she may be starting hers soon?!!

fairenuff you know what i think Wink and it sounds very much like a normal friendship for children that age and you have been clear on the boundaries etc.

my eldest son is almost 12 and has had no girlfriend yet, but he is a very quiet boy who keeps himself to himself, doesnt have a wide circle of friends but despite that i can tell that there is more awareness of girls now and he has asked some interesting questions, in yr 6 at primary he asked about blow jobs! as someone at school had told him what they were, he was horrified and thought it sounded didsgusting and he would never have one, lol! i calmly explained what a blow job was, telling him it was actually called oral sex and tho he may not like the idea of it now, that when he was older and in a relationship him and his girlfriend/boyfriend would probably experiement and find out what they BOTH liked and in a consenting relationship where both partners are happy this is what happens with sex etc. i cant see it happening for ages tho and as he was with me for the birth of his baby sister last dec and now knows EXACTLY what the result is from having sex he is more than adamant it wont be happening for a long time Grin

4madboys · 27/07/2011 15:05

sorry loli just realised you said your SISTER not your daughter, but i am hoping your mother has taught her about sex etc, just because she hasnt talked about it does NOT no she doesnt know about it!

MillyR · 27/07/2011 15:12

There have been a lot of over reactions on this thread.

I understand that some of you had sex at 12 or have a friend/sister/neighbour who had sex at 12, but that does not change the fact that the overwhelmingly majority of 12 year olds are not having sex.

All the OP can do is think about the two 12 year olds she has to deal with and make a decision based on their personalities and what she thinks is going on between them.

Depending on what the 12 year olds are like, going on about the possibility of them having sex is either pushing adult perceptions on to them and making them grow up too soon, or it is giving them some timely advice.

I would find out what the law is around children sleeping in the same room and children sleeping in the same bed. If it is the case that it is illegal for 2 12 year olds to share a bed, then I would point that out to the DS. I would then make it clear that was why I was banning them sharing a room, and not make out that it was because of a fear of them having sex. This seems to be a damaging thing to imply if all they feel about each other is affection.

But regardless of what the OP does or does not do, they will have sex when they choose to have sex. Stopping the sleepovers just means the OP isn't held legally responsible if they choose to do so before the age of 16.

Original poster
Fairenuff · 27/07/2011 15:16

Btw midlandsmum They have no concept of the word 'love'

Do your children not love you then?

OP posts:
Rubyx · 27/07/2011 15:57

hi, not illegal to have a sleepover, but the consequences of this particular one will be illegal!. They will most likely experiment and take it further. IMO

MigratingCoconuts · 27/07/2011 16:16

Ruby....which is why Op has banned the sleep overs.....

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