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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 26/07/2011 12:24

Op is talking about choice though sleeping - if I had to work full-time I would, if I lost my job I would be SAHM. I had the choice and decided part-time was best. There is a massive difference between what you would do and what you would choose to do.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 12:24

I already stated that DH doesn't want to be SAHP HappyMummy. Like a lot of people on this thread he enjoys his job and is happy to go out to work.

OP posts:
MrsKravitz · 26/07/2011 12:24

My best mate is a sahm. I know more about my kids' schooling and daily life than she does. I am the one who has to tell her its a plain clothes day or they have been on a trip or have to bring something in for school etc

Tw1nkle · 26/07/2011 12:25

I work 3 days a week - It's the perfect balance for me!!!
I'm lucky enough to be able to do it too, and I appreciate that.

chaya5738 · 26/07/2011 12:26

yeah, you are pretty naive if you think that you can just pick up a career when your kids hit adolescence and no longer want you in their lives 24/7 experiencing all their firsts with them.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 26/07/2011 12:27

I am a SAHm - although I enjoy 'being there' for my children and I feel we all get something out of it - I do want to get back to some form of paid work in the future as once the children have grown up and left home I don't want to be left bereft and aimless.

I am a person in my own right with interests and enthusiasms that aren't orientated round my children. I am looking forward to pursuing my own interests and being a good role model for my children. Being a parent is bloody hard work and trying to balance the needs of children/ ageing parents/ work is very hard. I don't believe in 'happy mummy happy child' - necessity is the driver for most decisions around the way families are organised and grubby compromises not 'choices' are the best most people can hope for.

MrsKravitz · 26/07/2011 12:27

My dh doesnt want to be a sahd either. I am able to help him enjoy the kids more by supporting the family financially as well as all the ways a mum does. This reduction in pressure to support helps him to be a better dad and to enjoy (because that is the focus here, isnt it??) being a Dad more in his non working time.

jeckadeck · 26/07/2011 12:29

YANBU but you are perhaps forgetting that there are fairly few women who are able to make the choice you've made. I would love to be a SAHM for the first four or five years of my daughter's life but it's not going to happen because we can't afford it. I'm not offended per se by people putting forward your case but I do sort of wonder whether people like you actually think all women go back to work because they want to? Surely you can see that a very large number of people who can't afford to do what you're doing....

Allinabinbag · 26/07/2011 12:30

Bigger house? We can't even afford to buy.

More holidays? Can't afford one this year, we are vacationing at home (in our rented accommodation).

So few people have the choice between bigger house/more holidays and being a SAHM it's not worth discussing.

How does your husband feel missing all these precious moments, what with him working and all?

In fact, why do I bother replying?!!!!

cestlavielife · 26/07/2011 12:31

writer - you dont need to justify your choice you know but it sounds a little whimsical - first poo, first ice cream? what is that all about?

working out of home parents still enjoy firsts with their dc you know! normally they see them every day....

when he goes to school and comes back having wirttten his name with his teacher - but without you - because that might happen you know.... will you cry because you werent actually there to see him do it?

Sassybeast · 26/07/2011 12:32

Original - doesn't wind me up in the slightest. I feel slightly bemused that anyone can consider the first time a child sees a dog as a significant event Wink and I also wonder how people with such entrenched views of perfect parenting would cope with a drastic change of circumctances - DH made redundant, relationship break down or unable to work due to illness or worse. One of my best friends is a young widow. She works bloody hard and it's amazing that there are still people who consider themselves to be better than her becaus they can stay at home - and with respect OP - that IS what you are saying.

cornsilksy · 26/07/2011 12:32

I work. My ds's have never seen a dog. They are 10 and 13. Sad

chaya5738 · 26/07/2011 12:33

it is funny, my daughter is in nursery and I actually LOVE that she has a life outside of me. I love hearing about her day and the things she got up to. It makes me feel so proud that I have raised such an independent child.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/07/2011 12:35

"he enjoys his job and is happy to go out to work." thats good then isnt OP given that you made it clear to him that "I did make sure I married someone who knew what I wanted to do in life"

You do need a reality check, you're not going to be able to walk back into a career after years at home and if the relationship breaks down you'll have no way of supporting yourself and would have to take the first job you could.

You're also instilling into him the fact that you believe the men should work so that the women get to do what they want - its not something most people would want for their children. I want DS to believe that his wife has choices and can have both a job and children and doesnt have to be a matyr.

Sassybeast · 26/07/2011 12:36

Cornsilksy - get a job at a dog pound ? HTH

motherinferior · 26/07/2011 12:37

'When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs'...

Oh I do. I do. That's a huge part of why I work. Work can be tremendously fulfilling and interesting.

And in all honesty, anyone who thinks they can just resume a career (which you also say) is really not quite understanding the job market and/or their own capacities.

cornsilksy · 26/07/2011 12:38

They've watched scooby doo with the childminder, but it's just not the same really, is it?

motherinferior · 26/07/2011 12:40

Cornsilky, where on earth do you live? And don't your children ever go to the park? Round my bit of scruffy south east London, you can't move for dogs.

Fillybuster · 26/07/2011 12:40

Grin kungfupanda...I think that summed it up beautifully Wink

Umm...OP, imo you are being deliberately provocative but like, whatever...< yawn >

And YANBU for posting such irritating drivel on MN.

Right, off to spend some 'quality' time with my grumpy teething baby before I run away back to work and the company of adults in a few weeks...

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 26/07/2011 12:40

Erm how old is your son OP? Are yu still measuring in weeks rather than months or years?

chaya5738 · 26/07/2011 12:41

I took four years out of my career to do a PhD while raising my daughter and it was almost impossible to get back into my career and when I eventually found a job it was for a much lower salary and at a much lower level. And there was no apparent gap in my CV. So the idea that you'll just swan back into a career after experiencing dogs and icecreams for however many years is totally misguided.

That being said, I do think this is completely unfair and raising a child develops so many skills that are important in the work force and employers ought to recognise this more.

BumWiper · 26/07/2011 12:41

kungfu
Hard to not think what has happened to me when we are waving bye bye to a poo in a high pitched singsong voice.

I used to be an office manager.

Fillybuster · 26/07/2011 12:41

Blush eek. I meant YABU dammitall.

God I need some sleep.

Please can I go back to work now? Please?

NoobyNoob · 26/07/2011 12:42

I chose to be a SAHM - we were very lucky that we had the choice to do that.

However, it was one of the worst decision I feel I made as a parent. Whilst I enjoyed some parts, I spent the others wishing I had friends, money and worth.

I'm expecting our second child, DS is 18 months, and once I feel ready I will be straight back to work albeit part time. I need to use my brain, not talk babies, nappies and routines like everyone else seems to want to constantly.

BumWiper · 26/07/2011 12:42

Hides in Fillybusters work handbag