To believe this about working/staying at home?

[WriterofDreams]

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

[AmberLeaf]

Yes Stillstanding re the setting an example.

As if earning money is the only example worth setting.

[scottishmummy]

how gracious of you to differentiate between have to work (allowed)
want to work (frowned upon)

is your husband emotionally absent and distant because he works?is it only you gets "precious" memories then?

[chaya5738]

yeah, I agree that the comments that earning money is a good example and that staying home and living off the earnings of one's husband is somehow shameful are pretty awful. Devaluing women's work (and it is largely women who stay at home) in this way is anti-feminist, imho. Women who SAH make great contributions it is just that their contributions aren't measured monetarily because our market isn't set up that way.
BUT I do think financial independence IS a good example to set for our child. Anyone who is entirely financially dependent on another person leaves themselves extremely vulnerable.

[chaya5738]

although, ironically the OP doesn't acknowledge that staying at home is even work.

[bonkers20]

I work AND I'm seeing my children grow! I love my job, I love my children, they are doing very well. Working enabled us to take 3 months out and travel to India. He actually spent MORE time with us then because he was out of school.

[CurrySpice]

enjoying I've already been to the gym sorry :o

I'll try and be tireder

[chaya5738]

scottishmummy - that is interesting how having to work is somehow noble but wanting to work is frowned upon, isn't it?

[Ormirian]

I am delighted you don't feel tired. How very lovely for you

[CurrySpice]

Ormirian - I have been told repeatedly on this thread that WOTH with kids is physically and emotionally exhausting. Sorry I am not :o

And, as you may guess from the smileys, I'm being light hearted!

[nikkinoonoo]

I am a sahm but only for a little while, as childcare is too expensive at the moment! I think it is great that you enjoy it but i need space from my son and i need that more adult environment which i do miss to be honest! I love him loads and we enjoy eachothers company, but i found when i was workin he was more excited to see me and i was happier having some structure in my life!maybe i sound a tad selfish but i think space is healthy otherwise it feels too much at times! X

[Ormirian]

Yes and I was one of the ones that said it. Because I do find it so. Mind you I am old and menopausal so that may be the problem. Sorry for snapping....must be because I am so exhausted

I vaguely remember not finding it so bad when mine were younger - but then so was I.

[elastamum]

A somewhat smug distraction from my TC. OP . As a LP with 2 kids to support I just dont have the OP's choices. I just hope my kids arent out burning cars whilst I work!

Do I do the best thing? I doubt it, often I dont get home until after the DC's have done their homework. I spend days away on business whilst they are at school and I am frequently knackered. I'm quite sure their grades would be better with me holding their pens hands. BUT the kids are happy and I can pay the bills. As a LP I am used to being judged and I couldnt care less about what other people think about my choices.

BTW, picking up a career again isnt as easy as you think. I did it and it was bloody hard. I do hope you manage to stay married

[ajaybaines]

Here's my two pennorth worth.

When I went back to work p/t when DD1 was a year old I felt very strongly that OF THE COUPLES I KNEW who had a SAHM set up it was generally made possible by the DH working long hours and not seeing the children much and the DW having to do all the shit bits all of the time (except for weekends).

I'm now a SAHM (due to redundancy - can't find a decent p/t job) and DH has been promoted to a more senior role and that is EXACTLY what our lives are like now.

If you ask me what the ideal set up is, I would say this - two parents, both working part time, both sharing everything - a career each, housework, spending time with children. As much as it benefits me to spend time with the children, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I would dearly love DH to be more involved in everything at home, but it ain't gonna happen.

So would I have chosen this set up in an ideal world? No. I don't think it is ideal, not for us.

[Ormirian]

I am also of the gym. I used to go to the gym and run miles. I don';t have the energy now - not to mention most of my body seems to be well and truly done over by various running related injuries.

[elastamum]

Am also old and menopausal, so well past worrying about what other people do

[Countingwiththecount]

YABVU to expect that you can have it ALL.

Your existence is not a reality with which many women are familiar. Beyond the obvious fact that for many women, childcare is too expensive to warrant their return to work and for others not returning to the work means not eating or having a roof over their head, I find the following most interesting:

"and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life."

I'd be very interested to know what career path you were persuing prior to having a child and how you are managing to keep up to date with recent developments in your chosen field?

There are so many posts on here from women who took a 'career break' for 5-10 years whilst their babies grew up, only to find that there is no such thing as a 'break' only an 'end'. Whilst I appreciate that while there are many different options available for retraining and that returning to work is still possible, I think you will be bitterly disappointed to find that you are unlikely to progress very much or feel any great satisfaction from a job you have missed a crucial

Even teaching, the so called 'family option' is no longer so easy to return to after a long break. I am expecting a strong response from the SAHM crowd but I really feel this needs to be said. I think it is wonderful for a woman to choose to stay at home and dedicate that time to her child, so in this regard, YANBU, but I also think that it is equally important to face reality.

[CurrySpice]

Sorry Ormirian - I seem to have touched a couple of raw nerves for you which was not intentional :(

TBH I feel less tired when I am exercising strangely enough. Could you take up something less stressful on the joints? People always suggest swimming but I hate swimming so...

How old are you BTW - you've made yourself sound ancient!! :o

[Countingwiththecount]

a job in which you have missed crucial stages professional development.

[mum0ftw0]

kung fu panda

Thank you, some realistic talk.

I got a public lecture on facebook about it being someone's 'lifestyle choice' to be out of work recently, well I mentioned disabled son, I got told it was my 'lifestyle choice' to have children.
Their sister is a single mum and works.

Obviously thier sister can use a normal childminder.

Did I get listened to? Did I hell.

I'm still the dirt on their shoe for not working.

I think they just like feeling superior and have no interest in understanding.
Such arrogance and ignorance and someone elses expense.

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

anyone?

[SunRaysthruClouds]

OP I think you are getting a bit of an earful unfairly, but it is true that you are coming across as a bit of an 'over-earnest' mother. I suspect you are in danger of a) crushing your child with your devotion and b) boring witless any friends who you probably share every shit that DS does as if it is a holy sign. Which of course it might be if he is in fact the second coming.
So unless he is then YABU.

[stillstanding]

Sooooo much to feel guilty about AND I missed DCs first dog-spot .... Fear I may need to throw them away and start again

[TandB]

MumofTwo - well clearly you are being deeply unreasonable. Did no-one tell you in advance that it was a lifestyle choice for your child to have a disability?

Your Facebook "friend" is an arse.

[flaminglip]

i went back to work when ds2 was 4 mo. my mum looked after him. She used to say that he still gets to do all the same things, playing on the swings, reading stories, outings, etc. HE wasn't missing out.

its true. But i was missing out and because of this i decided to be SAHM for my 3rd. I'm so happy i did. Yes i'm in the shit financially but i could never buy this time with my baby. I have a supportive partner who realises my strong feelings towards this and we have made the decision to be poor, non-consumerists.

I understand many people, especially single-parents don't have the luxury i do (I was one). I'm also fulfilled by being SAHM and i know many women need to work for their own satisfaction, just as i SAH for mine.