To believe this about working/staying at home?

[WriterofDreams]

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

[jellybeans]

I am very sorry for your terrible loss, Writer. I lost 2 daughters who were stillborn and it changed everything for me, made me see through things I otherwise took for granted. I am very grateful for being able to SAH as I don't think I could leave DS3 even if I wanted to, too complicated to write on here about it but I am sure others who have lost a DC feel simelar but of course others have no choice but to go back or want to, everyone's different. It is very hard when people ask how many DC I have. I have 5 living DC, I lost 4; 2 DDs being late in the pregnancy. I sometimes find it easier to just act 'normal' and not mention my losses if it doesn't come up in conversation, it's very hard.

[blewit]

Well isn't that lovely - haven't read all 17 pages but just a reaction to the original post. Is your life really that rose tinted? Yes I enjoy time with my DC but there are times....what with fighting, shouting, whining, answering back where I prefer to escape for a few hours to my part-time job. I don't feel dc miss out on anything in my absence. I think it broadens their experience.

Also, IME careers are not there for the taking when you feel like having one.

[elephantinroom]

I am a WOHM mum and this thread has given me a chuckle at the end of my day, especially kungfupannda's story about the baby videos... been sat here with DH wiping tears from our eyes.

I choose to go back to work FT after 9 months. I like my job and being at work. I don't see that as incompatible with being mummy.

OP I got halfway through your post and thought it would be an argument for going back to work. As you said, some choices are good for some and not for others. I didn't think you were saying that it needed to be career or kids. I thought it was all more a bit of a 'whimsical muse' on how happy you were at home and nice to read. Unfortunately AIBU isn't the best place for that...

I was very sad to hear about your daughter but glad to see how happy you are now.

[ajaybaines]

I was only working 15 hours a week when I worked and I still felt guilty! I don't know why - perhaps because DD screamed EVERY time I left her for the first 6 months. Or maybe not. I just never expected to feel guilty, but I did

[stillstanding]

good post, grubbalo

[grubbalo]

I think the things that annoy working mums are just the same as those that annoy SAHMs. It's when people use arguments or try to justify their own choices / needs by backhanded insults or comments that then antagonise other people.

For example - as a working mum, I hate to hear "I really admire you being able to leave your children for hours on end, I couldn't bear to do that", or "I love being a SAHM as it means I'm there for all those precious moments", or the whole "I don't mind sacrificing holidays and jewellery to be with the children". At the end of the day I have to work 3 days a week, which means I have had to learn how to leave the children, and it also means I have learnt to value all the time I do have with them thereby not feeling like I'm missing out on things. I have also had to decide whether we should be renting with me not working, or having a mortgage and working - I too have had to give up holidays and jewellery but there is only so far anyone to go. That isn't to say that there aren't mornings where I just hate leaving them - they're upset, or clingy, and I feel terribly guilty and awful.

My sister and best friend are SAHMs and I know they hate the whole "I really admire you being able to devote your time solely to the children, I find I need to use my brain too much for that" or "I'm just not able to sit around discussing nappies all day", as though that's all anyone who stays at home does.

There is enough crap in the media for mums to be made to feel guilty about, without us being made to feel guilty by other mums. So it's not the fact the OP is so happy to be a SAHM - I think that's fantastic, and I honestly do envy her so much that she can do it. It's the fact it then went into the whole "I sacrifice a big house and holidays" and the "Childhood is short. I want those memories" as though those of us who do work (whether by choice or need) only do so to get luxuries in life and won't get those memories. Yes I am sure that's not what she meant, but we all know this is an emotive subject and when you already feel guilty about something, you look for that hidden agenda so much more.

[SootySweepandSue]

Yes I hated my old job and couldn't wait to be a SAHM . I am funding it via savings/cutting back and I plan to either start a business or go back to work in 2-3 years. Alternatively we will move to a suitable location where 1 income is enough for a house. There is a big shortage of people in my industry (and has been for 15 years) so I am confident I can still get a job should I still want one. I was once a workaholic too. Have no idea what changed but something did.

[porcamiseria]

i have no issue with the OP and I work FT
DP is home as a SAHP and I get upset reading how SHIT being a SAHP is, it depresses me! I think she has a fair point in fact, and I am pleased that DP can be with our DS when they are so young

her post IS a bit wankily written but the sentiment, well its OK

[stillstanding]

I think it's all about balance. I have never for a moment for a moment felt guilty about working and don't get some of this angst that I see in some of my RL friends who feel that they need to be there 24/7.

But, and this is a big BUT ... I work three days a week, I leave home at 8.30am, am back by 6.30pm so get to spend time with them in both the morning and evening and they have a great nanny who is able to do things with them that I can't wouldn't be bothered to do.

One month I had a massive project on and had to work very long hours, all week and I really didn't get to see DCs (awake) at all and was completely buggered on the weekends. I felt pretty guilty (and broken) then I have to admit.

That said, I'm sure that mums who do work very long hours make that work for them, finding the time they need with their DCs, just like I have found the balance that I need by working a three day week.

Different courses yadda yadda.

[ajaybaines]

I felt guilty when I was a working parent

[Georgimama]

It was a direct response to rollmops banging on about the only sacrifices she has had to make since becoming a SAHM is giving up trinkets from Tiffanys. I think that's pretty clear if you read the thread.

[aprilbear]

Why do you assume that working parents, whoops sorry, mothers , feel guilty ssd?

It's a SAHM who started this thread, and the only possible reason I can think of is that she feels the need to validate her position- which suggests shes not as secure with it as she thinks! If everything is SO perfect in her life, why bother telling us? It seems she can't totally enjoy her life unless shes convincing herself that parents who raise their children AND work are somehow missing out on our childrens life. Sorry to disappoint OP- but we aren't. My children are in their teens now- I think if either my children, myself or dh were missing out on something, we'd know by now. But we're not. That seems to bother you, OP?!

[ssd]

ok georgimama, i hear you.

but why all the jokes about selling your kids on bond street, as above , etc etc? that just comes across as sneering at the op

why can't one woman just say she's happy at home without all the "your so smug" comments she seems to get?

when i see a post about a WOHM with a great job and how much she enjoys it I think "good for you" , I'm a bit wistful about my old career pre kids and wish i loved my job i'm doing just now, but i don't resent the other woman for having a job she loves and writing about it, i recognise i made different choices to hers

but i don't start throwing insults and hoping others join in my little gang so we can all offend her together...as you and others did earlier

probably me saying wohm's are guilty is wrong as you pointed out, but maybe "extremely defensive and patronsisng" would be more appropriate

[motherinferior]

Guilty?

I would absolutely hate to have to be a SAHP, ssd. I do realise some people enjoy it but it's not for me.

[Georgimama]

No ssd, we really don't feel guilty. Really, really don't. We just get pissed off with the opining of other mothers about what we do. Particularly as they never have a word to say about working fathers, because obviously caring for children is women's work.

[ssd]

actually, I have seen so many threads like this on MN descend into this sort of squabbling and name calling, it shows how so many women who work and seem fine with their choices don't take long to show how guilty they feel for working as they can't hide their disgust/resentment to any woman who SAH and enjoys this and actually has the NERVE to write about this, as the op has.

and its the posters who always proclaim they are the happiest with their choices who often become the most nasty and sarcastic to anyone who doesn't have their same viewpoint, and often like to build up a little clique within a thread to reinforce their view, with in jokes and digs at others

[ssd]

op, I'm glad you're happy

as i said before, enjoy your ds whilst he's small, when he's older he won't need you around so much, so try to enjoy your days with him now

also try to ignore the vitriol thrown at you, when a SAHM mentions that she's happy it raises the hackles of certain posters who work and others pile in and add their own sarcastic tuppence worth, you'll see that happening a lot on MN

best to keep doing what you want, that way everyones happy

[aprilbear]

Haven't got time to read the entire thread, but am just chuckling away , OP,, at your misconception that parents who work, don't get to do any of these things: see their child swim, watch them eat their first ice cream etc etc

We do all those things - we just happen to work too

The only thing I agree with in your post, is that if the care a child receives is good quality, with good food, sleep, stimulation etc they will be fine. Zit is the parent it has an effect on. However, i disagree with you that being a SAHM is always the well thought through ideological position you promote. SAHM do it because a) they cant afford to use childcare to work, because their earning power isn't good enough or b) they would rather be at home than at work. And remember, b) covers an awful lot of women who just don't like their job much, or aren't very successful at it. Not just women who have had fabulously successful work lives but decide for ideological reasons to give up

The other point I think you're being hopelessly naive about (though I'm guessing your child is only little - you'll learn!!!) is that there is this enormous demarcation between ages 0-4 and the rest of the Childs life, so that the 'pre school bit is seen as almost sacrosanct and incredible and cant possibly be missed for a second, whereas as soon as junior is in school you'll waltz (hopefullu!) back into that fulfilling career. Childhood isn't like that. In many ways I feel my children appreciate me when I'm around more now they are older (young teens) than when they were 3. What do you think a parent should do?- put their entire life on hold til the kids reach adulthood!

Luckily I think most parents have a more balanced and sensible mindset than you OP. we know that having a work life doesn't mean we all miss out on all the fun and joy of our children. Goodness just had a thought OP- if you really believe everything you've written, how do you live with the fact that your poor husband is missing out on all the excitement?? I hope you're going to alternate years at home from the Ages 0-4 so that you each get to have this once in a lifetime experience you speak of- before each stepping back into those wonderful careers waiting for you

[differentnameforthis]

As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about

Should've left it there, op! That's all there is that matters to this debate!

[madmomma]

Jesus there's some hardfaced bitches on here tonight. Love to you OP

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[nicnac15]

How nice for you to choose not to go back to work. I have no choice whether to work or not, i have to. As we cannot afford childcare i work very unsociable hours on very little sleep so I can be there for my child every day. You are a very lucky lady.