To believe this about working/staying at home?

[WriterofDreams]

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

What an annoyingly pointless post.

[omletta]

What a load of superior, sanctimonious, shite OP. We all see children as a life experiance and to suggest that they are 'just something on the sidelines' for the rest of us is offensive.

I work (dam hard) and I'm proud of that, proud of the juggling act I do every day, proud of the wonderful children I'm raising and proud of the strong work ethic I'm instilling by example. My choice.

[cornsilksy]

would the childminder take them to the park? Are they allowed? They're WOHM as well aren't they?

[BimboNo5]

I dont get this thread- its kind of 'look at me and what I do' ? Very odd, OP nobody actually cares.

[MrsKravitz]

I am so pissed off. While I was having a wee, DH got to experience ds planting his first tomato plant. I have missed out on this precious experience. Just for the sake of a wee

[Olivetti]

Cornsilky -

This is one of those threads where I more or less agree with a lot of what the OP has to say, but for some reason she just sounds unbearable. Sorry!

[Ormirian]

Hmm... the issue I have with your OP is the use of the word 'choose'. I'm afraid that quite simply for many parents there is no choice. And fine words makes no difference to that simple fact.

However FWIW I do tend to agree. The sheer stress, emotional and physical exhaustion of working full-time and being a parent is very hard, especially when both parents (assuming bother are around) are working. And yes, sometimes you do miss out on the special events. That doesn't mean that you are sidelined as a parent - you are still a parent, albeit one who isn't always physically present.

And FWIW, now that my DC are older I am reaping the benefits of always having worked, mostly full-time. But when they were younger it broke my heart.

[Georgimama]

I wonder if SAHMs like the OP (I stress ones like the OP, not all of them) have some kind of meltdown if their child does something for the first time whilst they are looking in the other direction or in another room.

[Olivetti]

MrsK - if you cared about your children,you wouldn't be going to the loo.

[TandB]

There is something that I really don't get about the "precious moments gone forever" arguments that come up regularly in relation to this issue.

Most of the "firsts" aren't single incidents. Your baby doesn't generally just get up one day and walk with you applauding frantically for his first step. It is a process that goes on over days/weeks. My DS did lots of wobbling around and taking single steps and falling over before he finally got going. I couldn't for the life of me tell you when he took that "first step". I do remember one lengthy practice session which culminated in a sort of headlong-rush at me which we generally consider his first successful attempt at walking, but his first step? No idea.

Same with talking. There wasn't really a "first word". I thought he said bus once but then there was nothing else for weeks and his babbling gradually evolved into things we started to be able to interpret - he still is a bit incomprehensible at times.

First time he saw a dog - not sure. There were lots of dogs around our way and he started noticing them and eventually saying dog over a period of time.

This is what gets me. These moments aren't set-in-stone parenting milestones that are gone forever if you miss them, forever to be mourned and regretted. Life with DS is a million moments - first times, second times, best times, finally-got-it-right times and so on. Someone on another thread said that parenting isn't a sprint, it is a marathon and I think that is worth remembering. If you miss one first then there will be a second and hundreds more firsts. That is what people often seem to forget when pitying us poor working parents who miss out on so much.

On a slightly different topic, another thing that I wish people would remember is that the disclaimer about "I'm not talking about those who had no choice" is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. It is precisely those who had no choice who are likely to be hurt and upset by topics like this - they didn't make a choice and are quite possibly very distressed at leaving their children to go out to work. Those who had the good fortune to be able to make the choice have a better chance of being happy or at least at peace with their choices and be able to laugh off some of the sentiments on these sort of threads. So the disclaimer of "I don't mean you" is a bit pointless really.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

MrsK, you did it wrong - they should have sat on the bathroom floor whilst planting so that you could watch. How could you miss such an experience

[billynomatesmum]

All parents get the "life experience" of having children, the clue is in the word 'parent' applied to them once their first born arrives.

Some parents have to work - this thread is clearly not about them.

Some parents don't have to work but can manage to do so as well as being there for their child's milestones, and if they want to keep their career going, see no reason not to, subject to finding good childcare that they and their child(ren) are happy with.

Some parents get so loved up with their first-born that it blocks off their understanding of other people's lives. They become at worst judgemental and at best tactless. It impairs their ability to consider the long-term effect of completely giving up a career until they are emotionally able to cope with a return to work.

The career off ramps are plenty, the on ramps are scarcer and it's easier to try and create a part-time role to allow flexibility for parental responsibilities if you have gone back to work after maternity leave than it is to find such an opportunity when you looking for a position or are newly re-employed after 5 or so years out of the workplace. Keeping you pension provision going is another consideration.

This country fails women in as much as it does not offer a financial counselling service to anyone considering giving up work indefinately when they have children. Many women make a major financial decision based on their emotional/hormonal bond with their child and this can be regretted later.

Mumsnet can appear to be uniquely populated with women who, setting financial considerations aside, solely gave up their career because they chose to/ felt they needed to be at home with their baby/children. I can't recall ever seeing a poster admit they didn't go back because they weren't particularly successful/ good at it /hated their career anyway and being a SAHM was a dignified exit they were eager to take. I do however know someone in RL who freely admits this.

[TandB]

Bumwiper - I know what you mean. I feel that the phrase "have you done poo-poo?" has no place in the vocabulary of a self-respecting fully qualified solicitor.

[dreamingbohemian]

I agree with Ormirian, I don't think I know anyone who had a real choice about working or not. Either they have to work to pay the bills, or they stay at home because child care would cost more than their salary.

And you are seriously dreaming if you think you can pick up a career (not just a job) years down the line. What did you do before? Why are you so confident about this?

[chaya5738]

oooh, wonderful post kungfupannda. I particularly like this:

"These moments aren't set-in-stone parenting milestones that are gone forever if you miss them, forever to be mourned and regretted. Life with DS is a million moments - first times, second times, best times, finally-got-it-right times and so on. Someone on another thread said that parenting isn't a sprint, it is a marathon and I think that is worth remembering".

[BumWiper]

kungfu there are always new lows.I was in charge of 15 people.I was capable of having a conversation.

I missed DC3's first steps.Doubt she will end up in therapy because of it.I was a bit awww but not cut up over it.

[TandB]

Thank you. Wish I could remember who said the sprint/marathon thing because they should make badges with it on and sell them.

I think it might have been a BFing thread.

[Dippy001]

I'm so sick of reading this horseshit. Why do mums feel the need to beat other mums up like this? What are you trying to achieve with this post? In an ideal world we would stay at home with our kids, loving every second of it and having money left over to enjoy other things in life at the end of the month. Just stop doing this, it just makes working mums feel guilty and you KNOW this. Support others, not beat them down.

[dreamingbohemian]

brilliant post kungfupanda

it's been one of the shocks of parenthood, for me, to find out that all these 'firsts' aren't so definitive

[MrsKravitz]

I saw my Ds' first steps but cant for the life of me remember them

[TandB]

Bumwiper - what you need is a "Baby's first year" diary just like my mum kept for me. She pretty much recorded it when I did anything at all beyond just breathing in and out, including toilet functions, every word, every movement.

Unfortunately the poor woman was clearly delusional - otherwise I was a child genius who was well on her way to being potty trained at 3 months old and holding pretty lucid conversations at about 8 months old.

Keep one of those for your DD and you might avoid the therapy bill!

[dreamingbohemian]

Unfortunately my son's first real steps came while Chelsea-Man U was on the telly

(I support Arsenal)

[Lilithmoon]

Dippy001 well said, thank you

[GreenEyesandHam]

Did anyone else find the music from 'Our Tune' pop into their head whilst reading the OP or was it just me?

I work because I choose to, and it suits me and our family just fine, so no one need worry about me

[TandB]

MrsKravitz - I have the first successful walk on video - that is the only reason I am sure about it.

Unfortunately it is rather marred by the fact that DS's face looms bigger and bigger on the screen until he runs straight into the camera and falls over and cries.

We don't show it to anyone. Nor the video of his first bath where I let go and he disappeared under the water and had to be rescued by MIL. I can be heard saying plaintively in the background "Let's not show this to DP, OK?"