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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 20:46

oh put your pitchforks down.outrageous troll patrol

TandB · 26/07/2011 20:46

OK, x-posted with a massive can of worms.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 20:49

might not like her op
but hell dislike the troll patrol even more

Quenelle · 26/07/2011 20:50

I too am sorry for your loss Writer. I agree it's a good idea to call it a night now.

Quenelle · 26/07/2011 20:50

I too am sorry for your loss Writer. I agree it's a good idea to call it a night now.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/07/2011 20:51

Lets not go down that road please.

Just lets not.

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:51

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BelleEnd · 26/07/2011 20:52

rosie, your posts are more ofensive to me than anything the OP has said. Terribly cruel.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:54

Rosie, you've gone too far. She could be genuine. Even if she's not, is it worth the risk?

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:54

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BelleEnd · 26/07/2011 20:55

*offensive

You see, the thing is with these threads is that everyone comes out of them feeling crap because they've listened to the arguments of people who are doing it another way. I am a SAHM and this thread makes me feel crap. No-one is doing is perfectly, but we're all doing our best.

Very very sorry for your loss OP. Hope you're OK.

flippinada · 26/07/2011 20:55

I didn't see that about your daughter before you posted WoD. I'm sorry.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:55

You can't be sure of that.

flippinada · 26/07/2011 20:55

Before I posted, I mean to say. Apologies.

BelleEnd · 26/07/2011 20:56

You don't know she's a liar, do you? Your name calling is more important to you than the fact that there might be a woman on the other side of that screen who has had a loss that you're denying. It's horrible.

Northernlurker · 26/07/2011 21:00

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Lizzylou · 26/07/2011 21:04

Just leave her alone. To her own family/whatever.

I really do not think that this is a thread to troll hunt and be all triumphant about.

Op, you enjoy your boy, you have years of wonderful stuff ahead, enjoy Smile

BrandyAlexander · 26/07/2011 21:04

Writer, I am still not sure what point you are actually trying to make. I work in the City holding a senior position - to put in context, I earn a high six figure sum and 90% of people my level are male. I have worked hard to get to this position and my career has always been important to me, hence while I don't need to work I choose to do so. You said "When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs." Well in my case it isn't a case of my career or my children. My kids are just as precious to me as I am sure yours is to you and like you, nothing in this world comes before them.

Your approach of one or the other is very limiting on what we women are capable of. I have a very demanding job but I am a parent first. Even if I don't see every single "first", it doesn't mean I am less fulfilled as a mother or my children are less loved than yours. I think that's the same for all mothers, so I am not sure what point you're making.

bebanjo · 26/07/2011 21:07

I have to say, i am 100% with the OP.
i have a very good friend that works part time and she did not see her dd take her first step, her mother in law did, she does not get to pick her dd up from school 3 days a week, her mother in law does. So all the working mums that say they miss nothing are ether kidding them self's or do not have a clue what a child can do in a day. if you HAVE to work then you HAVE to if you chose to then don't pretend that your child goes into suspended animation tell you see them again, they are living, learning seeing and growing and you are not there to see it.
I am not having a go at working mums, just say it as it is.

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 21:09

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Georgimama · 26/07/2011 21:09

Yes thanks for that bebanjo. We know. Your child does stuff while you are having a dump/MNing/whatever.

So what?

smallpotato · 26/07/2011 21:14

OP, very sorry for your loss, it is unimaginable. Obviously you are going to treasure every moment with your DS even more. I do think you might have been better off posting a 'things I love about being a mum' type thread in chat or parenting. But I guess you know that now!

If you haven't already seen it, there is a Bereavement section on here if you ever wanted to talk about your daughter. I found it really helpful and cathartic to post on there when I wanted to talk about my mum's death.

smallpotato · 26/07/2011 21:14

OP, very sorry for your loss, it is unimaginable. Obviously you are going to treasure every moment with your DS even more. I do think you might have been better off posting a 'things I love about being a mum' type thread in chat or parenting. But I guess you know that now!

If you haven't already seen it, there is a Bereavement section on here if you ever wanted to talk about your daughter. I found it really helpful and cathartic to post on there when I wanted to talk about my mum's death.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 21:19

op volunteered bereavement
she didnt then ask for a historical search to be undertaken to verify its authenticity
nor did anyone need to search archives.its picky and point scoring

magicmummy1 · 26/07/2011 21:24

This thread is horrible. I hope it gets pulled soon. :(