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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 26/07/2011 19:30

YA still BU.

I don't get why you felt the need to make a long post about your choices. Your OP does read as if you think that working parents are missing out on something and not making the right sacrifices.

Unless you really are just talking about yourself and don't give two hoots about anyone elses choices, in which case I am back to wondering what was the point in posting at all?

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 19:31

wod.what made me snigger was your assertion work was permissible only if have to and anything else well that just wanton avariciousness

you are fortunate to be prosperous enough that your family can depend upon one wage only.and as you say your not bothered about your career

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 19:34

I didn't say anything about work being "permissible" - if you reread my post scottishmummy I said if you have the choice to be SAHM then it's best to make that choice based on your own preferences rather than believing that it'll make a huge difference to your child, as I don't believe it will. How you got any reference to wanton avariciousness is beyond me Confused

OP posts:
basingstoke · 26/07/2011 19:35

Actually, I think you were in one career that does allow for a SAHP sabbatical. I had 5 years out and have resumed my career path without any problems. It took me one year to get back to where I was when I left (my choice to go in on the ground) and then just another year to be promoted above that again.

Your OP is wanky though Wink

omnishambles · 26/07/2011 19:36

I think its actually much easier if you're 'not that bothered' about your career and dont have some residual ambition left.

In that case you have 'chosen' having dc as your main job from a young age - maybe how it was presented to you as a child for instance?

Anyway it all doesnt matter what anyoen else is doing or their reasons for doing it - we need to support eachother as parents.

The sacrifice I have made as a pt worker is my career and not my dc and their experiences.

And the whole life experience thing is a bit offensive to people who dont have dc - I am missing out on being extraordinarily creative or running my own business or travelling extensively. All valid life experiences.

You can be a very rounded person with empathy for others and self knowledge if you dont have dc just as you can have 5 dc and still be a twat.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 19:37

on the contrary you explicitly say,permissible to work if have to. you made a point of it.
why did you make the distinction?

OP "I was talking about when there is an actual choice between staying at home or working. If there's no choice then there's nothing to discuss, you just have to do it and it's a shame not to be able to choose".

Dozer · 26/07/2011 19:38
Biscuit
basingstoke · 26/07/2011 19:39

I never lost my ambition. I just felt like doing something different for a while. I always rather arrogantly Blush assumed I would pick up where I left off and all would be well. And it was. And I still get the holidays to play at SAHMing again. I always love being a teacher at this time of year. Probably best not to ask around February time though...

basingstoke · 26/07/2011 19:40

Hmm. That's a complete misreading of the comment I think scottishmummy.

Ragwort · 26/07/2011 19:41

Writer - how old is your child? I don't want to be mean or sarcastic as ten years ago I felt exactly like you; I didn't have to go back to work, my DH earned enough for me to stay (very) comfortably at home - but circumstances change - how will you feel if your DH leaves you/dies (please don't give that smug response that 'it will never happen to me') - or is made redundant - can you support your family on your own?

Our circumstances have changed and I have found it virtually impossible to get any job - even jobs in supermarkets/fast food restaurants cannot just be 'picked up' anymore. As a teacher you must be aware of how the economy is changing - please think about this very carefully.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 19:42

I've tried to write a reply scottishmummy but I really don't get your post. Where did I say working is or isn't permissible? The part you quoted states that some people don't have a choice whether to stay at home or not, and in that case they have to go out to work, no other option. In that case the whole shall I/shall I not return to work debate is redundant. That was my point. Still not sure if I've answered your point Confused

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 19:49

as i read it,you will accept the have to work parents. but did at length expand upon your precious memories and what you gave up to sahp. compared to those who didnt have to as they dont fall into the chose to work. and very much the tone was gosh how splendid for you,why dont more people do so

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 19:49

I totally get your point Ragwort and it is a worry of course. Thing is, very few people are in a position where they're entirely financially secure. We've prepared for tough times as best we can. We both have life insurance so if one of us dies (particularly DH!) the financial side of things will be taken care of for quite a long time. For example if DH dies the mortgage will be paid off and I will have three times his yearly salary in a lump sum, plus a pension. If I die there is a small pay-out to help DH with childcare etc. I have savings that I can fall back on if something goes wrong between DH and me.

My DS is 6 months old by the way, so I'm aware I'm in the very early part of this journey!

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 19:53

I don't see why people are saying that I don't accept people working. In fact I've said a few times that if you don't want to be a SAHP then it is best not to do it, as you won't have the happy memories, you'll just have misery, and that's not good for you or the children. If you don't have the choice whether to be a SAHP or not then the whole debate isn't relevant as you have to work and there's no other option. If you do have the choice then I feel you should make that choice based on what you want for yourself. I've said that a few times. I've never said working is a bad thing, in fact I believe whether the children are looked after by parents or other people doesn't make a blind bit of difference to them as long as they're well looked after. I actually said this in the OP but people seemed to have ignored it and have felt attacked for working. I wonder why?

OP posts:
missmapp · 26/07/2011 19:54

Why are there so many of these discussions???

We all love our children, all our families are different and we all make the best choices for our families.. Why do women feel the need to comment on others choices or validate their own. I bet men dont have these discussions.

Ragwort · 26/07/2011 19:55

Writer - I am pleased that you have thought this through Smile - of course, everyone is entitled to their views but this is an incredibly emotive topic on mumsnet - and I've been here for 10 years so seen it many times Grin.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 19:57

"I wonder why?" Oh, probably deep-rooted guilt. Hmm

elastamum · 26/07/2011 19:57

I dont think you deliberately attached anyone, you just sounded unbelieveably smug about your choice, which is why you got such stick. There are a lot of people on MN who simply dont have the choices you talk about.

elastamum · 26/07/2011 19:57

attacked!

didldidi · 26/07/2011 19:59

give it time op - six months is nothing Wink

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 26/07/2011 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 26/07/2011 20:01

'the very early part of this journey'

Yes you are. My oldest dc is 13. I have to say I'm not inclined to ascribe huge value to the pronouncements of those who are barely out of the delivery ward.

God willing I will be parenting my children for the rest of my life. It is imo a huge mistake to assign sacred status to any one part of that time. I don't care what you do with your life. I would like you to recognise though that when you enthuse about your choice - and most particularly the reasons for that choice - you are criticising the choices of people who chose otherwise.
If I point out to you that my children are well socialised and I have a decent pension and won't be reliant on the state in my dotage and I always have something interesting to tell dh about my day - how does that make you feel? What lines are you reading between?

This is a hugely contentious subject. Funny thing is though it always seems to be the sahms who bring it up. God only knows why they can't leave it alone.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:02

So true, elastamum.

It's the closing sentence in the OP: "That's why I'm a SAHM". I almost expected her to have then written (wait for applause) Grin

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

motherinferior · 26/07/2011 20:07

I think you are being enormously er risky to make this remark at six months in. From my entirely non-scientific survey of parenting, there is a point at which most people find it horribly difficult. For me it was the beginning (at six months I was just getting to see the point of DD1). For others, it's the kind of ages my daughters are now.

And FWIW, keeping your job going when they're babies is a damn good way to have a more flexible work package later on.