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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
Whelk · 26/07/2011 20:32

Nice smug post OP. Thanks for that.
I know all of that stuff and yep I feel pretty shitty about having to work.
Thanks.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:32

My last job was contract that ended so I'm not on maternity leave. Seeing as people are laughing so much I'll have to say that I had an older daughter who died when she was two but that's not what we're talking about here. I have a fair bit of experience of being a SAHM.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 26/07/2011 20:34

Why would you shut up Op? You have so much to share don't you? What with your whole six months of mothering and your husband who does lots (at the moment).

I really try not to belittle other people's experience because we all bring something to a discussion but you really need to wind your neck in on this one. Quite simply you haven't got a clue about this issue. You know how you feel right now but you can't draw any long term conclusions from that - let alone imply anything about other's choices.

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:34

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flippinada · 26/07/2011 20:35

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omnishambles · 26/07/2011 20:35

Writerofdreams - very sorry about your daughter. That will colour how you feel about this very much loved dc regarding working and such like won't it?

Whelk · 26/07/2011 20:36

I'm sorry for your loss WriterofDreams

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:36

I'm not going to wind my neck in Northern. I prefer to engage with people and discuss things with them and I don't usually listen to people who just tell me to stop talking. You might feel I'm wrong, that's fine, I'm not going to tell you to wind your neck in. If you don't agree with what I'm saying you can leave the thread. I'm hardly just going to stop posting because someone tells me to.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 26/07/2011 20:38

writer - you are in love with your little boy. And that is exactly how it should be. Enjoy that fact. Stop with the observations and the big speeches about what mothering should and shouldn't be.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:38

I know what you mean about drip drip drip rosie, I deliberately didn't mention how old my DS was as I knew it would come up and I didn't think it was relevant to the thread. I really appreciate people commiserating, but it's fine really. I suppose it does colour how I feel and I have to admit that. I'll never have those moments with my daughter :(

Ah fuck this is not the direction I wanted it to take sorry.

OP posts:
rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:39

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Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:39

Very sorry to hear about your daughter. As omnishambles says, that surely colours your feelings, which is not a bad thing in any way, but you misjudged your original post. Could it be that you really wanted to talk about your feelings about both children? Thatwould be perfectly natural, and I am sure people would have listened and supported you, albeit in a different forum. I'm not sure you should have started this whole thing, in this way, on AIBU.

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 20:40

I now give this thread approximately 10 minutes before it gets reported/pulled.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:41

That's just awful.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:41

There is a lot behind that rosie that I don't want to go into. I had an EMCS with my daughter so never experienced labour.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 20:42

ok,couple points wod

  1. your baby posts are bit syrupy and eulogising. and sorry bitty barftastic
  1. how dreadful your daughter died,that naturally is going to make any subsequent experience affected by it and full of what ifs.
thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/07/2011 20:43
Shock
WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:43

I seriously don't want to get diverted down that path. I say DS is my first here because it's too hard to go into and I don't want commiseration. Maybe that's wrong but that's my choice.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 26/07/2011 20:43

I am very sorry about your daughter; and I too think that inevitably that would affect how any of us viewed parenthood.

I do however find the whole fetishation of parenthood a bit much. Actually, it's a fetishation of motherhood. We are supposed to be Special People by right of reproduction.

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 20:43

rosie,stop grubbing around in her past posts
if you think something amiss report,but not your business to ask her to account for herself.

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:44

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TandB · 26/07/2011 20:44

OP, I think the problem a lot of people have with your post stems not necessarily from the sentiments expressed but from some other things which are incredibly important when posting the infamous "words on a screen".

No post on any contentious issue is viewed in a vacuum where the words are read with no attached emotion or backstory. Every post comes with an intention on the part of the poster, an effect on those who read it, and assumptions/knowledge by the readers about the poster.

A lot of people have queried one of these things - your intent in posting this spiel. It is lovely, wonderful that you feel so fulfilled. No-one in their right mind will begrudge you those feelings. But the question looms very large indeed - why did you feel the need to post this? And in AIBU of all places? Unfortunately, the obvious interpretations of your intent are unflattering - that you could see no further than your own delight in your child and failed to appreciate the impact of your post, or that this was intended as a celebration of "me", or that this was a poorly-hidden dig at those who make other choices.

This leads in to the second thing - the effect on others. The reason these debates are so emotive is because, as I mentioned on another thread yesterday, these issues go to the absolute heart of parenting. People get hurt whenever this issue comes up. People on this thread have made it clear how rubbish this makes them feel. This effect is well-known and inevitably makes people doubt your intentions. Particularly when, and this is the third issue, they know you are not a new poster and that you have previously been involved in robust/contentious debates on parenting issues.

Do you see what I am saying? It is very, very difficult for people to take this post at innocent face value when they are asking "Why did you post this? Did you not realise the impact it would have when you have been on MN for a while?"

There have been times I have thought about starting a thread on something and then I have realised it had the potential to hurt or be misinterpreted. So I stopped typing and just thought it instead. Where something is contentious or potentially hurtful, it really does need a damn good reason for being posted otherwise the assumptions on this thread are pretty much inevitable.

Northernlurker · 26/07/2011 20:45

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WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:45

With the post you refer to rosie, I didn't want to explain what happened with my daughter. So I just say it's my first, as that's simpler. Being pregnant again was rough for me. I've come more to terms with it now and even being able to mention it here is a big step but I'm sorry I did now as it's all gone to shit :(

That's me done I think.

OP posts:
timidviper · 26/07/2011 20:45

Everyone is entitled to make their own choices and to have their own opinion. Just because the OPs child is young doesn't mean her opinion is worthless; it may change somewhere along the line although equally it may not. FWIW I felt like that at 6 months and still do 23 years later.

I thought this was an interesting viewpoint, she is choosing this way of life for HER rather than for her child or anyone else. It is often pointed out that it is a valid choice to return to work due to boredom, etc with the life of a SAHM so what is wrong with someone pointing out the other side of that.

One person holding an opinion that a particular way of life is right for her is not automatically a criticism of others who have reached a different decision.

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