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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

To believe this about working/staying at home?

417 replies

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 11:53

If you feel this is too contentious an issue and don't want to get involved, don't.

I see endless posts about how working/staying at home affects kids but the way I've always looked at it is how it affects the parents. As far as I'm concerned as long as a child is well looked after, fed, clothed, played with a reasonable amount, given appropriate discipline, stimulation and sleep they're doing well and there's not much to worry about. However, for the parents seeing their children growing up, watching them achieve and grow, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. When thinking about staying at home or working mums in particular seem to focus either on their career or on their children, they don't seem to consider themselves and their own personal needs.

I see having children as a life experience, not just something on the sidelines of everything else. I see it as something I've embarked on both for myself and my child. I've chosen not to go back to work because I want to see my child grow up. It might benefit him to be with me, I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it'll benefit me, and that's what I want. I enjoy being with him, I love seeing him learn and I don't want to go to work every day and miss out on things. I could have a bigger house, more stuff and more holidays if I worked but I don't want those. The way I see it the earnings I'm "losing" are paying for my once in a lifetime experience, which isn't climbing Mount Everest, or travelling the world, it's seeing a new life grow and change, seeing a new person make his way in the world. I feel privileged that I am the person who gets to teach this little boy, who gets to be with him when he has his very first swim, his very first ice cream, sees a dog for the first time. These years that I have with him will never, ever come back, I can literally never repeat them, ever. They are about the most precious thing in my life and I would pay anything for them. Later, when he's older, he will become more independent and I will have had my time with him. He'll go to school and those close years will be over and then I'll see about my career, which I can have any time in my life.

Childhood is short. I choose to share it with my son because I want those memories, for myself. I hope it'll be a good experience for him too. I don't think it'll make him a better person in any way, he won't be more advanced or more social or more anything, he'll just be him. But I'll be able to see that boy emerge, day by day. That's why I'm a SAHM.

OP posts:
WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:07

Thanks rosie. Same to you Grin

OP posts:
timidviper · 26/07/2011 20:07

OP I agree with your sentiments and think you are brave to voice them. It has been a privilege to raise my DCs and I have now returned to the career I put on hold when they were born. It hasn't always been easy financially but we have managed.

It is a blessing to have children and most parents do our very best to give them the best lives possible in our own ways. It is a shame some people have to look for slights and be negative about such an emotive post.

FingandJeffing · 26/07/2011 20:10

6 months at home is quite a short spell.

Your OP reminds me of when some people get married or have a baby and think that they are the first person ever to do so.

I really liked the post here about circumstances. If your relationship doesn't last or you have a sick child, or one of you is made redundant or has to work away, or you support either financialy or practically a parent or relative, life changes. You just have to roll with the punches and do your best. I'm confident that I make a decision based on my individual circumstances, that works best for my family. I don't presume to know what's best for others, their pressures and sometimes if they are lucky their choices are different.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:10

If I point out to you that my children are well socialised and I have a decent pension and won't be reliant on the state in my dotage and I always have something interesting to tell dh about my day - how does that make you feel? What lines are you reading between?

Northern lurker, that makes me feel that you've made the right choice for you and I'm glad you're happy with it.

OP posts:
TheFlyingOnion · 26/07/2011 20:13

Meh...

You're a SAHM - so what?

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:14

I don't see the point of posting that Onion, but thanks for the contribution none the less.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 26/07/2011 20:16

OK: it's all the stuff about privileged and blessings that puts my teeth on edge.

What about the days - and in my life there have been many of them - when your children are wearing? When you yearn to escape Toddler Hell - or worse, Three-year-old Hell (something that would have taught that nice Signor Dante a thing or two) to return to the calm of the office and the nice colleagues who won't suddenly throw their lunch on the floor? The park? Sports day (again)? The child who goes on and on and ON at you when you just want a bit of peace and quiet? When you realise you've not been out to a proper adult film without any sodding CGI in it, for years and years?

I could quite do without many of those precious moments.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:18

If you're so perfect content, why have you spent the bulk of the day on mumsnet? Shouldn't you be singing songs and signing etc with your baby....I bet you've just stuck him in front of CBeebies with a Greggs sausage roll all day. And a fruitshoot. Grin

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:19

Agree, motherinferior - VOM!!

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:19

Look love, you are 6 months in. At 6 months I was also a SAHM, as were probably 90% of mumsnet.

Life happens, husbands leave or die or lose thier jobs.

Just dont make smugger than smug comments when your baby is only 6 MONTHS OLD!!!!

TheFlyingOnion · 26/07/2011 20:20

Grin @ olivetti

Clarabumps · 26/07/2011 20:20

I am a SAHM and to be honest I don't know how people with more than two kids can afford to go back to work? I'd love to work- Love to! the majority of the time I can't stand being a SAHM and its incredible boring. Not my choice to sah but I cant afford to go back to work as my wages would not cover childcare costs.
I'm not sure I get the point of your OP. Its kind of like you're saying that we're all excused if we don't have a choice..or if we want to go back to work..but that leaves who to be directing your post at?
I hate to say it but give it another year or two of this and when your ds starts asking ten million questions in the space of an hour and you can recite cbeebies , then come back and tell me how great it is.
6 months is a breeze..then add in another baby and a partner who works 7 days a week and does no housework.
In six months time people will start the patronising"so what do you DO?" questions.
It may seem rosie now and you can write a post about how great your choice is but don't get too carried away with yourself as it might come round and bite you in the bum.

Olivetti · 26/07/2011 20:21

Go Rosie, Go Rosie!

scottishmummy · 26/07/2011 20:21

6month i was getting ready to go back and put them in dank day orpahanage
and i couldnt wait to go back
skipped i tell ya

smallpotato · 26/07/2011 20:23

Blimey, I'm surprised after only 6 months in and still on maternity leave you are brave enough to write such a provocative post about such a contentious and emotive subject!

I loved maternity leave but I was ready to go back to work part time after 12 months. I loved working part time, I had adult contact, used my brain a bit more, enjoyed watching DD grow in confidence and mix with other kids at nursery, and I had 2 lovely days at home just the 2 of us, which I appreciated much more. I then became a SAHM by circumstance rather than choice as we moved for DH's job when I was pregnant with DD2.

Having been a SAHM for nearly 2 years I have to say there is some truth in what you say, the main benefit is you are the one who gets to see all the good bits and all the joys, the lazy days in the park, all the firsts etc. But there are lots of downsides. My DD1 laughed and said 'mummies don't work!' When I mentioned one of her friend's mums going to work. That really unsettled me for some reason. I also remember my mum desperately looking for a job and having to take cleaning work when she and my dad divorced when I was 10, despite having a degree. I want to use the skills I trained so hard to get.

I'm lucky to have somehow found a job in my field that is part time so I'm soon to become a part time WOHM again. To say I'm excited about it is an understatement!

OP, it's great that you are enjoying motherhood but I think you need to wait a few years before you can be so sure being a SAHM really is as idyllic as you think. It's tough!

smallpotato · 26/07/2011 20:23

Blimey, I'm surprised after only 6 months in and still on maternity leave you are brave enough to write such a provocative post about such a contentious and emotive subject!

I loved maternity leave but I was ready to go back to work part time after 12 months. I loved working part time, I had adult contact, used my brain a bit more, enjoyed watching DD grow in confidence and mix with other kids at nursery, and I had 2 lovely days at home just the 2 of us, which I appreciated much more. I then became a SAHM by circumstance rather than choice as we moved for DH's job when I was pregnant with DD2.

Having been a SAHM for nearly 2 years I have to say there is some truth in what you say, the main benefit is you are the one who gets to see all the good bits and all the joys, the lazy days in the park, all the firsts etc. But there are lots of downsides. My DD1 laughed and said 'mummies don't work!' When I mentioned one of her friend's mums going to work. That really unsettled me for some reason. I also remember my mum desperately looking for a job and having to take cleaning work when she and my dad divorced when I was 10, despite having a degree. I want to use the skills I trained so hard to get.

I'm lucky to have somehow found a job in my field that is part time so I'm soon to become a part time WOHM again. To say I'm excited about it is an understatement!

OP, it's great that you are enjoying motherhood but I think you need to wait a few years before you can be so sure being a SAHM really is as idyllic as you think. It's tough!

rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:23

:)

Ormirian · 26/07/2011 20:23

Yes, I do feel priviledged to have my DC. Hugely priviledged. But what does that have to do with working or not?

Ormirian · 26/07/2011 20:25

Oh lord, he's 6 months old?

Shock
omnishambles · 26/07/2011 20:25

Not to mention when you might actually have more than one dc to look after motherinferior and they are spending the holidays knocking seven shades of shit out of eachother as soon as you leave the room. Granted we love them and enjoy them in parts - like any other humans with personalities of their own.

And what you want to do when they are under 5 may not be what you want to do when they are 7-10.

But then you do have pretty much the only career where you can leave it for 5 years and go back in again - for most of us we dont have that so have to work through the younger years to have something for later.

I actually do like it that you are enjoying your dc so much - it is lovely but its just your tone I think that people have taken issue with.

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 20:26

Six months? Your child is six months old?

I hope he hasn't experienced his first ice cream already.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:27

I haven't spent the bulk of the day on mumsnet Olivetti. I wrote the OP this morning when DS was napping, then I went out for the day and started posting again at about 7:30 as DS was in bed.

I agree that some days are bloody tough motherinferior, but isn't it like that with all jobs? In the previous jobs I've had I've had days that were great, days that were ok, and days that were just tear your hair out awful. It's the same with being a SAHM - it's not all fun and games. If you don't enjoy much of it at all then you make the right choice by not doing it.

I agree life happens rosie. I'm not sure what your point is really, other than telling me to shut up which I'm not going to do.

My husband works 5 days a week, flexitime, and does more than his fair share of childcare and housework so that's not a problem at the moment Clara. Sorry to hear things are tough for you :(

OP posts:
rosie1979 · 26/07/2011 20:30

My point is, your baby is 6 MONTHS OLD!!!

Come back in 5 years and I will take you seriously.

Georgimama · 26/07/2011 20:30

You're not even really a SAHM, are you OP? You're surely still on maternity leave.

WriterofDreams · 26/07/2011 20:30

I don't see why people come on a thread specifically to be insulting or to high-five other people who are trying to be insulting, it seems a bit pointless to me. Do you get satisfaction from it?

OP posts:
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