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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

258 replies

Tuppenyrice · 24/07/2011 10:56

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 22:19

OK it seems to time out after a while. So:

www.keycamp.co.uk
Choose France - Brittany South
Choose 7 nights (I tried 10 and got nowhere)
Choose 11/8/2011 as the start date
Choose the number of adults and kids
Then you'll have a few options.

I will look to see whether there are any on other dates and will post back forthwith!

And no crying!

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 22:21

If you choose Brittany South and 13/08/11 then there is an option there for 7 nights from the 16 August.

It's a rubbish site as it doesn't allow you to search when it's free - you have to be a bit psychic to know when there are availabilities.

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 22:23

Oooh. If you choose Brittany North for 13/8/11 then you can get some 9-nighters. The longer the better! And those are near the port, too.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 03/08/2011 22:45

Tuppenyrice are you me?

My DH is a musician and tours twice a year. More, in fact when something's been released. He works every weekend, often leaving on a Thursday or Friday and not back til Sunday or Monday night. All I want to do when he gets back is go out and eat fancy. All he wants to do is to stay in and eat salad and muesli.

I'm exhausted. He's going away again tomorrow (festival season, busy busy) and we face another weekend alone. I feel guilty about crashing friends' weekends as it's their 'family' time and would rather eat my own ears than spend another weekend with the ILs.

It's the momentum thing that gets me with that profession and many others that are self employed. The more work you get, the more you get. The more you refuse, the less comes your way. Also, the work is so irregular. It's a surefire way to create a workaholic. I'm glad he's successful. And to many who don't live it, it looks so glamorous and interesting but it's hard work for the ones left behind as we live our lives at the opposite end of society's established timetables. When everyone else plays, we work.

There are some perks. Festivals for free. If there's a gig I want to go to, I get to go, babysitter permitting!

I can totally empathise with your situation. I had a sort of breakdown in March after a long stint of his in the States and finished up with some bad ass chickens coming home to roost. It was a bit of a wake up call for him and now he takes off every Tuesday and early Weds morning (while not on tour) while I go for the CBT. It's getting better. Slowly.

Keep me posted eh? And good luck. I've been there. And I'm thinking of you. Smile

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 22:50

Errm can I ask, without sounding like a groupie, whether your husbands are people we might have heard of, if we love music?

Just wondering. You know, the post that was read by the wife of Mr Famous Man!

My son's studying music at university and is dying to know who Mr Tuppenny is touring with. I daren't tell him about Mr Trotwood.

MissBetsyTrotwood · 03/08/2011 22:56

If you love music, probably... but my lips/fingers are sealed! I'm not particularly keen on DH's music, which is a source of great hilarity to our family.

Wow, lucky guy to be studying music at university! Wish I could have my time again!

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 23:06

Dammit!

Yes, he's at Salford and having a fantastic time. I can honestly say he'll look back at this as his halcyon days. I envy him.

That must be odd not being keen on his music! I'm writing a novel and have thought a lot about whether I'd show it to a potential partner (I'm single now.) I'd hate the criticism but would also hate the lip service - "Oh it's marvellous!"

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 23:52

Years ago I lived with a guy who was in a death metal band. Talk about not being keen!

Imperial, do you know if there's a thread anywhere on here for people writing books? I feel like I've seen a few people saying this lately, would be nice to have a support kind of thread to help cope with all the usual writerly neuroses Smile

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 23:55

Yes there is!

You can see some threads here.

dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2011 00:36

Ahhhh thank ye!!!

(sorry for hijack tuppeny)

MissBetsyTrotwood · 04/08/2011 09:40

Ha ha! Death metal is an acquired taste, no? Mind you, I have a good friend who is a full on metal fan and she and her family are the some of the most kind, aware, gentle people I've ever had the luck to get to know.

It's not that I dislike DH's music exactly - I know it's really good in its type. It's just not to my taste Grin .

Hope you're feeling OK today OP.

dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2011 10:16

I think actually a lot of metal fans are really chilled out and lovely, it was one of the surprising things I found.

I just wished I could enjoy the thrill of having your boyfriend dedicate a song to you from the stage, without it being followed by something like 'Skull Fucker' Smile

Tuppeny how are you today?

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 10:19

Laughing so much at your dedication, dreaming.

I think a lot of metal fans are lovely, too. I've never understood why people are scared of others, just because of the clothes they wear.

Anyway, Tuppenny, get yourself back on here - we'll get you a holiday if it kills us!

whattodoo · 04/08/2011 10:19

Tuppeny. You sounds overwhelmed. I really hope you get a holiday booked, can you also ask your DH to book a 2/3 night break for you as a couple? Maybe get your mum to mind the children for 1 day and your SIL (sorry, don't know how old she is) for the other. If you do it midweek in Sept, the eldest will be at school which will make it easier for whoever minds the children.

try to get Dh to book it after the family holiday so that you'll have some fun things to talk about as well as the serious stuff.
I don't know if I've got this wrong, but you don't mention much life for yourself outside of the home. Do you visit friends, do you phone or spend time with them. Do you ever have a night out with friends? Sorry if I've misunderstood this, it just seems as though you may have lost your identity somewhere and now don't see yourself as anything other than a Mum. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it can be quite isolating.

katkitya · 04/08/2011 10:33

Could you possibly hire an aupair or, nanny? It's crap being on your own for weeks at a time especially when they have a fun job!! My friend is also married to someone that plays in bands and, it's bloody hard work. He's either there getting under her feet or, away for weeks on end. Finanically it's feast or famine as well.

Tuppenyrice · 04/08/2011 10:52

I love this thread xx

OP posts:
Tuppenyrice · 04/08/2011 10:54

Shall we all go on holiday instead?Wink

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 11:18

Good idea, but in the meantime go and book a holiday! You'll feel loads better afterwards. Try to go for longer than a week - that second week is so much more relaxing than the first week, when you're getting used to everything.

Tuppenyrice · 04/08/2011 11:28

Can't cos he has travel dates which restrict us!
I'll respond to you all later I'm taking two 7 year olds to see Harry Potter. Grin

Just to quickly say we went for dinner last night, he arranged a sitter then invited me out, very sweet. We had a good chat and concluded positively that a proper holiday is in order and an au pair should be hired. I do feel much better. I'll start the au pair hunt tomorrow.
Also got my referral letter for CBT, really fast response. They obviously think I'm a proper basket case, that or people are happier than usual.
More later as I'd like to respond to you individually x

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2011 11:30

Yes! Meet you in St Tropez Wink

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 11:59

Now if you'd told us which dates, we could have had a more productive look for you!

How lovely, going for a meal last night with no children present!

Do you have space for a live in au pair? It would be great to have help in the house.

dreamingbohemian · 04/08/2011 12:07

oh x-post

sounds really promising, all of it! hope you enjoy the film Smile

Tuppenyrice · 04/08/2011 12:11

19 aug - 28 aug

Mark warner possible space for us at ria park gardens

X

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 04/08/2011 12:35

They look lovely but GAH! You said northern France or the UK!

I will have to bring out my clipboard and full questionnaire next time!

Hardgoing · 04/08/2011 13:25

ImperialBlether, thanks for the link to the aspiring writer's thread, may pop over there and moan a bit get some inspiration.