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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

258 replies

Tuppenyrice · 24/07/2011 10:56

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 31/07/2011 23:11

Good for you resolving your problem in that way!

Maybe you should go into a travel agent's and pass the problem onto them?

Shame he's a workaholic, but then half of the Relationships thread consists of men who don't do a thing, so I think you're in the luckier half there.

I think you sound as though you could really do with a break. I just hope you choose a break that doesn't involve the normal everyday things like cooking and cleaning - once those are gone, there seems to be so much more time in the day.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 01/08/2011 08:19

You are right and I've to be careful about this as booking late is difficult and there's a tendency to just take what's left which is mostly s/c.
But in a way I'm reluctant to sit in a hotel/restaurant at every meal with the younger two who can be a pain in the backside with food. I am notoriously rubbish at making a decision.
Thank you for taking the time to guide me. X

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 01/08/2011 16:45

If you've looked at Mark Warner, have you also checked out Neilson? They have kids' clubs, lots of activities for the older kids (and the little ones!) so you should be able to fit in some relaxation and/or activities with DP. Also their food is usually buffet-style, so it's not too hard to find something that everyone will eat (and the restaurant staff were lovely with kids too when we went! - we are going back this year and I am seriously wondering whether they will recognise DD and remember her name - even though she has changed from baby to strapping toddler since then - as she was so fussed over the whole time we were there!).

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 01/08/2011 20:21

It's clear that DP isn't bothered about a holiday. Nor does he want to spend more than 2k. I've had a battle today to get him to look at things and when he did he was so negative about cost. I appreciate that we need to do things to our house and that life generally is expensive but I feel so hurt that he's making me feel rubbish about this. I'm so angry at him.Angry

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 21:00

Tuppeny, he isn't bothered about a holiday because he's just been away!

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 21:05

Have a look at these.

I've stayed at Beg Meill and it's lovely. We went when our children were 6 and 3 and they absolutely loved it. We took their bikes and they spent the whole time outdoors. I know people who've stayed at Benodet and Carnac and really enjoyed it.

It would be nice to have some time away. I can see that he wouldn't want to spend too much, but this would be manageable in terms of cost and would give all of you a break together.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 01/08/2011 21:08

Imperial I'm so upset. Yet again he's at work and I'm putting the kids to bed. Just been shouting at my DS who came downstairs twice. It's exhausting. I'm feeling so resentful. I feel like I hate my DP. It's a scary feeling.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 21:42

Is he working away from the house?

You need a way of dealing with your son without you shouting, because that only makes you feel more stressed and awful.

What about going to have a long bath the minute the children are in bed? Run the bath when they are in bed. Have a pot of gold stars (buy them tomorrow and let him know exactly what they're for.) If you are not disturbed at all, in the bath or in the bed, you will put a gold star next to each of their names. If one of them does disturb you, a star gets removed from their name.

Then you could have treats according to the number of stars, eg if they have two gold stars, they get an icecream at the park. Five gold stars and they can hire a DVD, that sort of thing. Draw up a sheet with the rules on.

After your bath, just get into bed. It does mean racing around before their bed time but the reward is climbing into that lovely bed.

I think that if your husband isn't there for bedtime, he should be the one getting up with them. His choice. He's so silly - I can't understand how he doesn't get how stressful it can be when you're on your own with them.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 01/08/2011 22:24

He got up with them this morning. It's just ridiculous though, we never get a chance to discuss anything never mind spend time together. Haha perhaps that's why he buggers off to work (yes, outside of home). I know he's got a deadline this week but it's so tough on me. I'm trying very hard to control myself with the kids and honestly I'm doing some Oscar winning acting here. The things I'm screaming in my head!!
He is short sighted. He may come round yet but I'm beginning to get bored waiting for him to BE with us.

I looked again at eurocamp and I could get into the idea of that as the pools etc look so good.

I hate this feeling of being trapped.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 02/08/2011 09:00

Tuppeny, I think your DP is being massively unreasonable.

Even though you have been to the GP and prescribed pills, even though you have explained to him how you are feeling and how stressful it is taking care of 3 young children, he is still working all hours (6 am to midnight on a sunday???) and blowing you off about a holiday. Okay fine, he has a deadline, you have to respect that, but if he really appreciated how awful you are feeling he should at least be helping make plans for how to improve things once this deadline is past.

I would be telling him that if he doesn't fancy a holiday, fine. YOU are going away for a few days on your own to get some sleep and a much-needed break, and he can stay home with the kids and see for himself how full-on it is.

I know you would rather have a nice family holiday but if he's just going to ruin that, then why push for it? Why set yourself up to be even more stressed?

Obviously you need to change some things for yourself, to make it easier for you to cope with the DC all day and things like that, but I feel like this thread is so much about what you have to do to make things better and not enough about how your DP needs to step up and make life easier for you too.

When is his deadline? I'd be making a deal to leave him in peace until then, let him focus on that, but with the understanding that the day after you will be coming up with a new plan together to do whatever is necessary to improve things.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 02/08/2011 14:32

Dreaming good idea to leave it until deadline over then I may actually get his attention.
I'm feeling ok but stressful morning & losing my rag when tantrums happen but I'm spending time with lots of friends with kids to dilute myself.
Thank you all for taking the time to post x

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/08/2011 18:17

Hi Tuppenny, not sure whether you've seen this.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 03/08/2011 09:57

Wow life is weird at the moment.
Think I may finally be getting through his man skull that a break is crucial. Maybe my tears and wall hitting struck a chord
Top tip - don't marry an artist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 03/08/2011 09:58

Imperial fascinating info on Cruises. An entire section! I was reading it for hours haha. They sound great but I actually have a bit of a fear about kids on boats so not sure I can do it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 11:32

Tuppenny, do you REALLY think the kids can fall off the boats? Really?! Can you imagine how few people who go on them if they lost their entire family that way? Can you imagine how many MILs would get invited for a cruise holiday if it was so easy to fall off?!

I can understand your fear of small boats; I'm the same. I was even nervous on a cross channel ferry. But those ships? No, you shouldn't worry about them falling off.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 11:52

Tuppeny I'm afraid of kids falling off boats too Grin

I know realistically it's not likely but I imagine not being able to relax so much, feeling like I need to keep an eye on them.

I'm actually at a French campsite now (in Vendee), it's lovely, there's kids running around everywhere having fun on their own. I think you'd enjoy it except there's no babysitting facilities or creche, not tons of organised activities (there's a nice pool though, and mini golf and table tennis, a little kids club). Oh and everyone here is English! I can find a link for you if you like, it's a lovely place just not sure you would get enough of a break since no babysitting. (they do have massages though!)

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 03/08/2011 14:39

Imperial I know I know but you're forgetting that I'm going a bit mental!
Dreaming ru having fun? I'm checking the Eurocamp availability as theyre filling up the ones Imperial suggested look great but don't have our dates but I'm looking at others. I can handle the s/c side if we can BBQ and if there are clubs the kids can go to so I can read in the luxurious bedroom Grin

xx

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 14:49

It is nice here! Here's the link:

en.campingdomainedesforges.com/

Am staying in a 3BR bungalow, it's really nice and new (maybe not luxurious but perfectly nice!) The pool is great. Also very close to some nice ocean beaches. I think there is a kids club every afternoon during the week, there's also a game room they all seem to congregate in.

It might be a bit too far away though...

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 15:03

Have a look at this one, Tuppenny.

Here

wompoopigeon · 03/08/2011 15:10

If you can't fit in a long break, and if you can throw some money at the problem, then book Calcot House in the Cotswolds. Kids club would suit all ages, outdoor and indoor pool, spa with lush treatments for you etc etc Wildly recommended as a curative for all manner of depression, mulligrubs and general woes. A long weekend feels like a fortnight anywhere else.
Or use it as a stopping off point to the West Country.
Hope you find somewhere- if I were your GP I'd sure as hell prescribe a holiday.

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 15:20

Oooh that looks really nice, wompoopigeon. Here's the link for it, Tuppenny.

wompoopigeon · 03/08/2011 15:29

Thanks Blether- can't do links on my phone.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 03/08/2011 16:57

Oh my god crying again please stop being so kind

Love this site. Wish I'd found it 8 years ago not last month x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 03/08/2011 17:04

Imperial can you tell me the ref for that site as the link just takes me to the homepage
a thousand thank yous

wompoopigeon no room at the sumptuous inn, sadly :(

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 20:14

Actually I feel I should amend my previous post -- Vendee seems far, but literally everyone here is English so perhaps it's not as far as I think!

I was also thinking -- how would you feel about a 'staycation'? Not ideal, but better than nothing... basically get DH to take a week off and do lots of day trips, stuff around where you live that you never get to do, have DH take the kids out for an afternoon here and there so you can relax at home with that book, or book yourself into a local spa for a day.

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