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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer my parents a cup of tea?

119 replies

BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 11:34

About 3 years ago, my parents moved to a house I own about 15 minutes away from mine (previously, they'd been a 2-hour drive away). When they moved in, I asked them to try to ring or send a text before they call to my house.

There are a number of reasons for this: I value my privacy and space; I like the option of being able to say that it doesn't suit me; my mother is extremely nosey and unrepentently tells everyone she meets about my business ("I was talking to

OP posts:
itisnearlysummer · 21/07/2011 11:39

God, YANBU. That would really annoy me too. Can you lock the door/put the chain on to keep them out?

Failing that ask for your key back! Tis very rude!

LostInTransmogrification · 21/07/2011 11:45

Put a chain on your doors, that's horrendous!

NoMoreWasabi · 21/07/2011 11:47

I'd change the locks.

squeakytoy · 21/07/2011 11:48

Why do they have a key. Change the lock, its as simple as that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2011 11:51

YANBU. How do they get in? If they have keys, get them back! And if they don't speak to you for a month - that sounds like a plan to me ...

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 11:54

To be fair, the doors are rarely locked as we live in a small village and there are constantly kids running in and out (although my dad nearly walked in on DH and I a while back, when the kids were out and we were indulging in a bit of afternoon delight ). It's the fact that they're willing to make a 30-minute round trip in the car to make sure there's nothing they might have missed.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/07/2011 11:55

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get the keys back, lol...that is one scenario you do not want repeated :)

Ephiny · 21/07/2011 11:55

Don't you lock your doors? Or do they have a key?

This would definitely annoy me. Maybe it's normal in some families to be wandering in and out of each other's houses all the time, and that's fine if everyone's happy with it. But if you've made it clear you need some privacy and space, then they're being rude and inconsiderate by barging in all the time. I wonder how they'd feel if you did the same to them?

They sound a bit obsessed with you to be honest. Like you say, you're a grown woman and they shouldn't need to know where you are and what you're doing every moment of the day! Are they retired, do they have any friends/hobbies/interests/committments of their own?

I know it's not very helpful to say now, but probably it was a mistake to have them living so close, I would not want to be this close to my Ils or parents, and they're not even as bad as yours sound!

Ormirian · 21/07/2011 11:56

No you are not!

I am stunned that they would expect a cuppa in those circumstances.

Change the locks and tell them why.

blackeyedsusan · 21/07/2011 11:56

keep the door locked/ change locks/chain/bolt

not speaking for a month sounds like you will get a months peace. Wink

alemci · 21/07/2011 11:58

couldn't they make you a cup of tea as they could see you were ill and offer to help you out. Why had they called in. What do they do when they are at your house.

I find it unbelievable. My in laws and my mother have keys for my house but would never do this sort of thing.

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 12:01

Don't ask them, tell them! Shock

Very cheeky and overstepping boundaries like it's an olympic event.

VelveteenRabbit · 21/07/2011 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:04

I'd say you have hit the nail on the head, Ephiny. They are both retired, have far too much time on their hands, and my siblings live much further away so only get the phonecalls, not the visits. If we didn't speak for a month, my brothers and sister would suffer though, as they'd get the weepy phonecalls. Otherwise, I wouldn't hesitate.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:07

I like the way you worded that, VRabbit. It's not even the letting themselves in, it's that they turn up at all. It's difficult to ignore the doorbell when they know I'm in.

I hate the passive aggressive rudeness I feel forced to resort to, I'm normally as blunt as a breezeblock with other people.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 12:09

'If we didn't speak for a month, my brothers and sister would suffer though, as they'd get the weepy phonecalls. Otherwise, I wouldn't hesitate.'

That's not a reason to let them carry on, if your brothers and sister are adults they can deal with your parents emotional blackmail themselves.

I wonder why they've moved further away...?

CurrySpice · 21/07/2011 12:21

While I don't think YABU to not want them to turn up unannounced, I think there are better ways of tackling this that being outright rude tbh

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:24

I agree, CurrySpice. I just don't know what those alternatives are. Confused

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 21/07/2011 12:27

Sit them down and have an ault-to-adult chat

I know our parents can still sometimes make us react in a different way to other people. No matter how well we get on, that parent / child thing can be hard to shake.

But you are a adult too. Talk to them as you would any other.

There! Simple :o Wink

I know it's not simple but it's what you have to do

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:29

Evict them. You say they live in a house you own - sell it. Then they'll have to move, hopefully further away.

And in the meantime, get a chain on the door and keep it chained while you're in.

I couldn't bear this situation.

CurrySpice · 21/07/2011 12:32

I am assuming you are joking about evicting them thumbs Shock

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:36

Well not really joking as such. I probably wouldn't do it though, however much I might like to. It's a harsh reaction but God, I'd be at the end of my tether if this was my parents.

Thankfully, mine found 15 minutes to be too far for them to travel too often, but the OP has a real problem on her hands and a parent who has no boundaries. Setting them for her might be the only way forward.

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:37

I won't be doing that, Thumbs Hmm

While I know you are right, Curry, it only works if it is adult-to-adult. I'm not sure my parents know how to behave like grown-ups sometimes. There's a reason I own their house.

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 21/07/2011 12:41

I'd be really hurt if my daughter felt like this about me. :(

Belini · 21/07/2011 12:43

op are we sisters? lol my mother is the same although rather than coming round I get 2 hourly phone calls. 7 am are you up? have boys had breakfast yet? what did they have? have you eaten yet? why not? 9am are Ds1+2 away to school? were they on time? what have you got planned for ds3 lunch and so on all the live long day. she analysis (sp?) every decision, issue why do you think ds3 slept late? is he ill worried did you not do bed time routine to the second?. sorry for venting she is just off the phone asking why I haven't done weekly shop yet as its nearly tea time ?? wtf grr. I have no advce as everyting I have tried hasn't worked x