To not offer my parents a cup of tea?

[BadEmployee]

About 3 years ago, my parents moved to a house I own about 15 minutes away from mine (previously, they'd been a 2-hour drive away). When they moved in, I asked them to try to ring or send a text before they call to my house.

There are a number of reasons for this: I value my privacy and space; I like the option of being able to say that it doesn't suit me; my mother is extremely nosey and unrepentently tells everyone she meets about my business ("I was talking to

I'd be really hurt if my daughter felt like this about me.

Well then, best to make sure to observe normal adult boundaires, act as a parent not a child and be considerate. Simple.

exactly - I'd be really hurt if I found out i'd made my daughter feel this way about me!

As I see your problem: all your parents' behaviour is ostensibly loving and caring but not very empathetic or respectful. They ignore what you tell them about what you want. They have no regard for your need for privacy or autonomy. Whenever they want involvement they demand you satisfy that desire immediately irrespective of what it means for you. They want you to meet their emotional needs and reassure them at all times.

This latter is what my mother does. Its a trap. You can never meet the need or give enough. However much you love them, you have to preserve your sanity, and some form of independent life, for you and the rest of your family. Someone's going to be unhappy about this, and just because they are the parents and you are the child, does not mean it always has to be you who's hacked off. There just cannot be a sustainable let alone healthy relationship with no give and take ever.

I stopped doing the looking after, reassurance thing with my mother a long time ago. When she rang in a panic and wanted me to tell her everything would be ok I gently told her I didn't know. Funnily enough, she's stopped asking. She knows I don't play the game any more and we get on far better as a result. It's forced her to be more grown-up in her relationship with me, because though I love her deeply I won't carry her.

No magic bullet OP, but I hope some emotional detachment from you and taking control of contact so far as you can will help a little.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe ?

Thu 21-Jul-11 17:22:26

exactly - I'd be really hurt if I found out i'd made my daughter feel this way about me!

I wouldn't be hurt, I'd be mortified that my behaviour and inability to observe boundaries set by another adult had made them feel like this.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe ?

Thu 21-Jul-11 17:22:26

exactly - I'd be really hurt if I found out i'd made my daughter feel this way about me!

I wouldn't be hurt, I'd be mortified that my behaviour and inability to observe boundaries set by another adult had made them feel like this.

oh, yes, i would be deeply embarrassed, but I was using the exact same words to make a point.

Ah, tbh my parents are a bit like this. My db works in wales and when they have been on one of their zillion trips to see him they pop in on the way. And if we aren't in they will ring my mobile to find out where we are. And if I don't answer, they will text. And if I don't reply, they bbm. Then they ring again. It drives me insane. And I don't even like them!

Ah, tbh my parents are a bit like this. My db works in wales and when they have been on one of their zillion trips to see him they pop in on the way. And if we aren't in they will ring my mobile to find out where we are. And if I don't answer, they will text. And if I don't reply, they bbm. Then they ring again. It drives me insane. And I don't even like them!

Arsing wankridden twatphone!

OP. YANBU.

Chain on the door(s) and a reminder to call before they pop over as you'd hate to be out and for them to have a wasted journey.

If they CHOOSE to be offended by your request, then that is their decision.

I think seeing them on Friday, at the weekend, to have a cauli delivered (surely the petrol cost more than the cauli did) AND dropping in when you're ill is too much!

For those of you who say you don't mind your parents dropping in whenever and have a totally open door policy, good for you - but what works for you and yours doesn't work for everyone, so being appalled at the OP for wanting some privacy (when her parents clearly don't appreciate that there should be boundaries between them and their adult children) isn't fair.

OP YANBU. I'm gradually weaning my DM off of her dependence on me, she's been the same since I was a young teenager. Whenever she describes me as her 'best friend' it makes me go cold.

Luckily she moved abroad which gives me a lot of space, and she's learning that when I say 'no' to her unreasonable requests I mean 'no'.

Good luck.

honestly, our house would always be open to close family and friends popping round unannounced - just the way it is where I come from, people aren't usually formal. Saying that, sometimes advance warning would be great and they would have to accept that their call was sometimes inconvenient and I had other things on and to help themselves to tea etc if i was under the weather or busy.

begony my grandparents always had people popping in. lived in a small market town. are u north of watford lol

I've read a number of threads about this kind of situation. Some people don't have a problem about family visiting unannounced, and that's fine for them. But this is about lack of boundaries, lack of respect, and the DM thinking only about herself. That's an incredibly hard situation to deal with, because it goes counter to the general perception of a mother, and often that's not recognised so the daughter gets a double whammy of having to dealing with a toxic mother and not being believed.

alemci

just a bit north of Watford - a council estate in a small town near Glasgow. People had big families, small houses and everyone lives nearby. Families and friends generally are very relaxed about popping round.

I can't remember who it was who said this but you should keep the doors locked and always answer the door wearing your coat.

If it's someone you don't want to see, you can say "Oh, sorry, we were just going out"

If it's someone you do want to see, you say "How marvellous, we just got in!"

I've heard that one before too, Curry but I suspect that if the OP tried to use that, her parents would go "Oh, how lovely - we'll come with you!"

Bad Employee, you asked "Is it my responsibility to make them feel loved and wanted, Ceebie?" Well, yes and no. I think both sides need to work on this. CLEARLY your parents, particularly your mother, is WAY over-stepping boundaries. But I get the impression that at a result you are so fed up with things that you end up spending all your time pushing them away. It would be nice if you could get into a situation where, ocassionally, you were able to welcome them into your home (and do you best to tolerate their faults) - provided that they also made huge efforts to respect your privacy the rest of the time. You said that some weeks you barely have time to see your husband, let alone your parents. It is so hard in this hectic life to manage everything. However your parents do obviously love and care for you, even if it does manifest inself in a rather unhealthy way. It would be nice if you could try to make some time for them on a regular basis. Sometimes it could be time with just your kids, while you take an opportunity for some 'you' time, perhaps? I just don't think that a simple 'Go away and leave me alone' approach will lead to a happy harmonious relationship with your parents. It seems to me that the best chance at arriving at some kind of a solution, is for more managed control of visits - where there are times when they are welcomed or when you visit them, and other times when they are not welcomed, including phone calls.