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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer my parents a cup of tea?

119 replies

BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 11:34

About 3 years ago, my parents moved to a house I own about 15 minutes away from mine (previously, they'd been a 2-hour drive away). When they moved in, I asked them to try to ring or send a text before they call to my house.

There are a number of reasons for this: I value my privacy and space; I like the option of being able to say that it doesn't suit me; my mother is extremely nosey and unrepentently tells everyone she meets about my business ("I was talking to

OP posts:
ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 14:51

AgentZ, you are right.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

There. Grin

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 14:54

I think we should all make the effort to fit in with the MN house style thumbs Grin

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 14:58

I think you're probably right Lucky. I should have been more polite. I was just feeling so miserable and I was so fed up of them appearing yet again that I couldn't be bothered making the effort today. And my original question was if IWBU to be rude to them. I've had some good advice here today and I know I'm not alone in having to deal with my socially oblivious parents.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 21/07/2011 14:58

Goodness me - so I have a different opinion to you and that makes me an emotional blackmailer???? And we wonder why MN gets a bad name!!! In the school yard this would be called bullying by the "in clique". Fortunately I am very thick skinned.

luckylavender · 21/07/2011 15:02

Agent Zigzag - I have no idea what you mean - thumbs???

BadEmployee - it's really difficult, my Mum drives me nuts and calls me secretive but I hate the fact that everyone in her town knows what cheese I buy sometimes...

Could your get your Dad onside, although my Dad is useless, never stands up to her?

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 15:02

Oh no, not the 'I don't know why I'm here because you're all 'iches' line luckylav!!!!

Bullying, my arse.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 15:04

What in clique is this? I don't know of one.
Saying that you employed emotionally blackmailing language is bullying, is it? How exactly?
And you did employ emotionally blackmailing language - you are trying to get the OP to feel guilty about her response to her intrusive and insensitive parents. She already feels guilty about it, so you are heaping coals of fire on her head - along with all the other "your poor parents, I'd hate to have a daughter like you" posters.

Opinions are one thing - kicking people when they're down is a different thing.

luckylavender · 21/07/2011 15:04

Agent Zigzag - seriously I have no idea what you are talking about

OracleInaCoracle · 21/07/2011 15:04

Oooh, luckylavender, well done you have included minute bullying, cliquesn and why the bad language? In three posts! Call someone a troll and you have a mumsnet bingo!

Op, yanbu. Some people don't get how wearing it is having manipulative or interfering parents. They think that we owe our parents something for raising us. If ds ever felt this way about me I wouldn't be upset with him, I would be upset with myself. I would be upset that I had made him feel that way.

I hope you feel better soon, and think that a chat is in order about boundaries.

OracleInaCoracle · 21/07/2011 15:04

Oooh, luckylavender, well done you have included minute bullying, cliquesn and why the bad language? In three posts! Call someone a troll and you have a mumsnet bingo!

Op, yanbu. Some people don't get how wearing it is having manipulative or interfering parents. They think that we owe our parents something for raising us. If ds ever felt this way about me I wouldn't be upset with him, I would be upset with myself. I would be upset that I had made him feel that way.

I hope you feel better soon, and think that a chat is in order about boundaries.

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 15:05

'Thumbs' is a shortened version of ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch luckylav.

luckylavender · 21/07/2011 15:07

Thank you

jumpingbeans · 21/07/2011 15:07

I must have the strangest family on earth if this thread is anything to go buy, none of us ring and ask if it's okay to visit, we just call in, and whatever any of us are doing we either carry on [ not shagging though ] or stop have a chat and a cuppa then when they have gone carry on, my old mum would have laughed her arse off if I had rang and asked if I could come and see her, same as I would with my children. if you felt crap when they called round why could'nt you just say " oh great your here, put the kettle on for me, I could really with a cuppa" - they probably would have took off any way - not wanting to get the lergy

usualsuspect · 21/07/2011 15:09

My family is the same as yours .jumpingbeans

But I think we are in the minority on MN

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/07/2011 15:14

Dont know if its been said, but put a chain on your door about half way up, the kids will be able to reach in and undo the chain but adults wont (Its what me and ex did with our house to stop his lot walking in unnanounced but the kids could still come and go as they pleased :)

PenguinPatter · 21/07/2011 15:14

We had family members who started doing unannounced visits or very long phone calls when they knew we were eating or putting DC to bed or catching up on sleep.

MIL once clocked 30 + calls in 20 minutes - she'd started calling when she knew we were sitting down to a meal. We were both pissed off with cold food - so I answered explained politely and said we'd ring back. She rang DH mobile immediately - I answered and said same thing. She didn't want anything - we bought an answer machine after that that they refused to leave messages on.

We lock the doors - so people can not just wondered in - even if expected at some point - they are let in. Seems petty but seems to help make the point that its our house and they can not just walk in and take over.

We leave phone calls unanswered if we are busy, people are able to leave messages- and we no longer wake up each other or DC or leave meals to go cold due to phone calls. Also more variable timetable now DC bit older means they do not know when bedtime and meal times are and we try not to let slip when we will be busy otherwise we will get something just at the wrong time.

If family turn up unexpectedly they are given a drink and possibly fed if we are in they take us as they find us and if we are out soon then we still go.

If they come and we are out - we ignore irate phone calls. Phone back in own time explain they should have checked with us that we'd be in and ignore everything else on the topic.

We are as flexible and as accommodating as possible and our family has never been able to help us out in times of crises or generally so we are not reliant on their good will. We do love them. With some family members the boundaries have actually improved the overall relationship with others it not. DH, me and the DC are happier though.

Ephiny · 21/07/2011 15:19

If you're all happy with the arrangement, then it's fine. But the OP is clearly not, and it doesn't sound very healthy for her parents either, their need to know where she is at all times seems to be causing them a lot of anxiety, judging by them always phoning her to find out where she is if they find out she's left her house, calling her DH to get information on where she is if she doesn't answer etc. They might well be happier too if they could just bring themselves to back off just a little bit.

I also agree that they can't have it both ways. if you have the sort of close, easy relationship where you can just wander in and out of each other's houses, then surely you don't expect to be waited on like a guest, have tea made for you on demand etc?

lisianthus · 21/07/2011 15:37

YANBU OP, this would drive me bananas.

You feel awful both because of the behaviour of your parents (where they have ignored your request to call) and because you were at the end of your rope and snapped at them about the tea, as you said.

Perhaps it will actually turn out to be a good thing that you snapped. Nothing else seems to be getting through to your parents, so explaining that you did this because you were frustrated that they keep ignoring your clearly expressed wishes may help. If your mother goes down the weepy emotional blackmail route as she has done before, you may have to just try to see the monthe of silent treatment as a good thing.

And for what it's worth, I think you are a great daughter. You put up with a lot despite having been walked in on at very embarrassing times, and you still say you don't want to hurt your mother's feelings. You are also providing for your folks- giving them a place to live. One time snapping and being blunt after extreme provocation is not going to cancel out all this and make you a bad daughter.

HeyYouJimmy · 21/07/2011 15:42

So LuckyLavender, if you turned up unanounced, uninvited and just walked into your DC's house and your DC was ill, and very weak, felt like a bag of s*e and just wanted to rest and recover, would you still think it was very rude if they didn't haul their carcass off the sofa/out of bed to make you a cuppa?

luckylavender · 21/07/2011 15:53

I don't think that is quite what happened. But unless I was very ill (and in bed) I would think it was very rude not to make a visitor a cuppa, yes. Any visitor. And I would have asked my parents to make me a cuppa. We don't know if they realised the OP was feeling unwell as by her own admission, she was monosyllabic. And my family would find it very odd (in my home town where I used to live) if we had to make arrangements to call, although I understand why the OP is trying to set boundaries.

CalamityKate · 21/07/2011 16:00

It would annoy me. They are BU, not you.

I'm a cleaner and I have keys to all my clients houses, but unless I know for certain they're out, I always knock to be let in. Even if they know exactly what time I'm coming.

It just feels really rude to let yourself in to someone else's house unless you know they're out and you've got permission to let yourself in.

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 16:07

Oh, they knew I was ill all right. Mother was here yesterday too. I had to tell her about DD being in hospital (nothing too serious) because she appeared yesterday for no reason and wanted to know where everyone was. Got a panicked message from my DSis asking if everything was ok because mother had told her a version of events about DD, i.e. only the dramatic stuff. The day before, she made a 30-minute round trip to bring me a cauliflower.Hmm We saw them over the weekend and had them over for a BBQ on Friday. In my book, that's too often to see anyone.

Dad isn't too bad on his own but (and quite rightly IMO) backs her to the hilt. To the extent that we once didn't speak for months because of an argument where he bellowed at me for daring to ask my mother why she went through my handbag to answer my mobile phone when I knew the answer was she's a nosy bat.

OP posts:
CupcakesandTwunting · 21/07/2011 16:20

Your mother sounds as manipulative as mine, OP.

Sympathies.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2011 16:22

"she made a 30-minute round trip to bring me a cauliflower."

Hasn't she heard of global warming? Wink

alemci · 21/07/2011 16:42

she does sounds a bit much BE. I wouldn't like my mum nosing through my bag. Are you the eldest daughter?