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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer my parents a cup of tea?

119 replies

BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 11:34

About 3 years ago, my parents moved to a house I own about 15 minutes away from mine (previously, they'd been a 2-hour drive away). When they moved in, I asked them to try to ring or send a text before they call to my house.

There are a number of reasons for this: I value my privacy and space; I like the option of being able to say that it doesn't suit me; my mother is extremely nosey and unrepentently tells everyone she meets about my business ("I was talking to

OP posts:
GetOffOfMyCloud · 21/07/2011 12:44

That would drive me to distraction, YADNBU, change the locks!

If they can't understand why you have shut them out then you will have to explain it to them, they will probably be hurt but will hopefully realise just how frustrated you had to be to take such drastic action.

Good luck!

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:45

Bad enough getting guilt trips from my folks, without getting them from strangers, Kladdkaka. Grin How am I supposed to feel about the constant, overbearing scrutiny, then?

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Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:47

Sympathy and understanding work just as well as advice, Belini. That's exactly what she is like. Except when she has a distraction. Just wish I could think of more distractions for her.

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Ephiny · 21/07/2011 12:47

Talking about it would be the obvious first step - but wouldn't be surprised if they were very resistant to it, and you just got lots of drama and hysterics, weeping and begging etc.

It really does sound like they need some sort of lives of their own - do they have any friends or social life? Is there any community stuff they could get involved in? Maybe you can gently nudge them towards this sort of thing?

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:49

I suppose you could always move further away...

memphis83 · 21/07/2011 12:50

I have this from FIL every.day. Its always after work as im about to dish up/ bath or put ds to bed, he doesnt have anything to say, he is a shy man just hovers, I have had a virus all week and even after being told to stay away as he has heart problems I dont want him catching it he still comes every day, DH has told him to call first, he doesnt. He cant just walk in but if we dont answer door he knocks for 10 mins. This is the reason we are moving from this area next year. I just wanted you to know I feel your pain Grin

Kladdkaka · 21/07/2011 12:51

I don't understand. Why post in a public forum asking whether it's unreasonable or not if you only want people to respond who agree with you? Confused

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:51

I could, but a less extreme solution would be preferable Grin

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ProfYaffle · 21/07/2011 12:52

Can you use the situation to your advantage? Call them, apologise and explain that you were ill and not up to visitors, which is why it would be better for everyone if they would ring before calling.

ImperialBlether · 21/07/2011 12:53

Can't you let them sulk and complain to your siblings and have them say "Ohh I would HATE it if someone walked in on me...." and "Think of your MIL, you would have hated it if she'd just walked in on you any time of the day"?

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 12:54

Actually, Kladdkaka, I was hoping someone would come on here and say something like, "you shouldn't be rude to your parents, you need to do x", or "I have found y worked for me". I most assuredly do not need someone telling me how I should feel about something. I have fought against that my whole life.

But thanks for playing.

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ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 12:55

Could you turn the tables on them? turn up at their house at an unreasonable hour every day for a completely obscure reason, or to check that they hadn't burnt the house down/left the iron on/left the bath running or something?

Although I expect you have a life and haven't really the time for that.Grin

CurrySpice · 21/07/2011 12:56

I see. Could you sit down with someone else as mediator? A sibling? Your DH?

It's tricky I know - I sympathise

Kladdkaka · 21/07/2011 12:57

Where did I tell you how you should feel? Confused

LineRunner · 21/07/2011 12:58

Your mum is a drama queen and she has picked you to be the proivider of drama in her life. When you try to detatch, she calls you selfish. She has got your dad trained into this family script too by the sounds of it.

I do think that on a practical level you need to make sure that they can't simply walk into your home. Don't let your mother have the means to carry on being dramatic.

And LET your siblings take on much of the burden!

ceebie · 21/07/2011 12:58

Can you try to shift the balance - instead of constantly trying to get rid of them all the time, could you invite them over, so their visits are planned on your terms and they feel more loved and wanted because they are being welcomed?

AandO · 21/07/2011 12:58

Could you try to set up a routine with them? Like arrange that they'll come over for lunch one day of the week and you'll go to lunch another day of the week and that will be the only contact? Tell them that popping in all the time is not working for you but you want to see them and these set days a week are good for you?

I sympathise, for the summer we are living in a house two mins walk from MIL. Dh is at work in a city 4 hours away and so is neeever home. Mil acts as if I'm terribly lonely on my own and cooks me dinner about four days of the week, calls me daily to see if I'm ok and makes weekend arrangements for me to go for tea and scones with all the other 60-80 year olds Grin! It's very sweet, and I do love the scones, but I get annoyed that she acts as if I can't cope alone. Dh has always worked alot and I used to live hours from family!

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 12:59

The OP doesn't have to agree with anyone, you knew that when you posted presumably.

Are you saying you think the parents are doing nothing wrong? That it's fine to intrude into peoples lives uninvited even when they've spelt it out they don't want you to?

AandO · 21/07/2011 13:00

ceebie - that's exactly what I was thinking also in terms of a schedule and cooking lunch for them and going to their house.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 21/07/2011 13:03

your parents sound like a right nightmare :(

and to think yesterday, I got annoyed at my mum texting me to find out how my doctor's appt had gone. Blush
(i felt like she was checking up on everything, but to be fair, i speak to her once a week, and never for long cos she rings me at work.)

You really do need to tell them to stop coming round, and you need to lock the door when you know you don't want them to call.

however, have to say that on top of all that - even if you'd allowed them to come in, I am Angry that your dad demanded a cup of tea from you.
if he's that fucking desperate for a drink in a visit that you didn't sanction, then he should fucking well make it himself, and make you one while he's at it.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 13:05

I'd get the keys back and have a chat about ground rules but, tbh, I agree with Kladdkaka. The way you talk about them is awful. So you aren't well. You're doing bugger all else so why is it such a problem for them to park their bums on your sofa for a bit. As for the tea, point them to the kitchen and tell them to make you one too.

Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 13:15

I do invite them over when I have time, but truthfully there are weeks when I don't have time to catch up with DH, let alone schedule lunches with my parents. There will invariably be the follow-up phonecall after she leaves where she will say "Thanks for lunch. I just rang my friend Sue to say you made us X and she wants the recipe/thinks you're wonderful/has some long, rambling story about people you've never met" and before I know it, another half hour has gone by. Then she'll ring back later to say, "I forgot to tell you, I was talking to Linda about being over in your house and she said you should use sage instead of thyme in your stuffing" If I let her in to my life/day at all, she then takes the opportunity to monopolise it. I can screen calls, but then she rings and texts the mobiles because she thinks there's something wrong.

Is it my responsibility to make them feel loved and wanted, Ceebie? I ask that sincerely. I'm not the parent in this situation, and my mother tells me I'm "cold" and "hard" when I am less than enthusiastic about whatever she has gotten excited about on a particular day.

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Original poster
BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 13:18

If it was just once, Gwendoline, I'd suck it up. It's the constant, everyday aspect of it that wears me down. Today was just the last straw.

Out of interest, what have I said about them that's awful, other than describing behaviour that annoys me?

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wideawakenurse · 21/07/2011 13:21

Op. I don't really have much advice, but I wanted to sympathise with you with regard to your mothers reaction.

I too have a similar situation, and any sort of feedback to my mother is viewed as cruel, and 'being nasty'. The guilt piled on you feels like a weighty chain.

I understand why you are worried about tackling the situation.

Meita · 21/07/2011 13:24

Correct me if I'm wrong, it sounds like the arrangement worked reasonably well until recently but now has gone downhill?

So maybe relying on the chat and boundary setting from three years ago is not enough - it does sound like you need a new chat and boundary setting.

I agree with some others who have said, basically: If you want to find an amicable solution, don't just tell them 'I don't want you to come over' but offer them something as a replacement. I think the more you insist they 'can't just pop over', the more they will worry about you/feel excluded and hence want to pop over all the more. So as some have said, suggest times/occasions when you DO want to see them, when you do want to have them in your house. That might help to make them feel like you value their presence, like seeing them, want to share your life with them (to a reasonable extent) - so they might feel less need to impose themselves. No guarantee for it to work though - some people are just obstinate! But worth a try if you haven't yet.

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