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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not offer my parents a cup of tea?

119 replies

BadEmployee · 21/07/2011 11:34

About 3 years ago, my parents moved to a house I own about 15 minutes away from mine (previously, they'd been a 2-hour drive away). When they moved in, I asked them to try to ring or send a text before they call to my house.

There are a number of reasons for this: I value my privacy and space; I like the option of being able to say that it doesn't suit me; my mother is extremely nosey and unrepentently tells everyone she meets about my business ("I was talking to

OP posts:
Psammead · 21/07/2011 13:25

Oh, God, OP. This would do my head in. I love my parents, but I could not cope with them coming around unannounced.

You need to explain to them that you really, really do not like this and that they have to stop. That you just feel stressed out by them doing this, and that you appreciate seeing them much more when it's arranged. Maybe invite them round for a set time once a week.

itsraining · 21/07/2011 13:27

Are you me? My parents live half an hour away and when I had ds1 they started to turn up unexpectedly 2-3 times per week. They are both retired with very few friends or hobbies and I think that they had nothing else to do. I tried ignoring the door but if I didn't answer the door they walk around the outside of the house looking in the windows and tapping on them. I was hiding in my own house with my baby.

I asked if they'd ring before they came over to make sure it was convenient.
Since then they've decided not to talk to me anymore and this has gone on for 8 years now. So be aware, if they don't behave reasonably now then they are not likely to respond well to what I think is a reasonable request for privacy.

However, they do still drive past and slow down to look as they go by, I know this because I've seen their car. They know no-one else in the area and it's not on the way to anywhere either so I can only assume they do this to see if they can see if I'm in and what I'm doing.

Beamur · 21/07/2011 13:27

Put a notice on your front door.
Mum & Dad - love you lots, but please knock first!
Love BadEmployee

I have a key to my Mums house but always knock and wait for her to let me in. It is rude to just walk in to someones house. I think your parents need this gently reminding.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 13:27

They way you write about them sounds like you despise them. Your mother is a nosey, gossipy drama queen who delights in catching you out...

I would imagine that by 'letting' (YKWIM) them move near to you they assumed that there would be a bit more contact. Sounds like you do need to make some concrete scheduled time for them, then they might not be so needy. But obviously constantly being told that you haven't got time for them doesn't have the effect that you want.

Eglu · 21/07/2011 13:27

YANBU demanding cups of tea, very rude. They could make their own anyway, and shouldn't expect someone who didn't invite them to wait on them.

PorkChopSter · 21/07/2011 13:31

Your dad walked in on your shagging and still doesn't ring the doorbell Shock

You sound a bit like you're stuck in the Fear-Obligation-Guilt circle.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2011 13:34

I thought the OP sounded exasperated with her parents, GwendolineMaryLacey, I don't see your 'despise' at all. You wouldn't write "As much as she winds me up, I don't like hurting her feelings." about someone you despise.

wideawakenurse · 21/07/2011 13:35

Gwendoline I am going to hazard a guess that the OP describes her DM like that DIY to years of not being able to have an adult to adult conversation and to be continuously skirting around issues.

It's hard not to feel resentful.

wideawakenurse · 21/07/2011 13:36

Sorry should read due not DIY.

Stupid autocorrect.

usualsuspect · 21/07/2011 13:38

Its funny the relationships people have with their parents on MN

If my grown up dd was ill I would ask if their was anything I could do to help

It must be awful to dislike your parents so much

fedupofnamechanging · 21/07/2011 13:42

I think that they love you lots and maybe still view you as their little girl, so can't really come to terms with the fact that you are an adult, with your own life and that you don't feel the need to share every detail of it with them.

I think that the more you pull away, the more they will try to cling on. I understand how you feel - I am very close to my mum, but there are times when I am busy and can't chat. She also discusses my personal business with all and sundry (was a nurse, she has no sense of embarrassment Grin ).

Also, when my DS1 was born, my IL's were in my house more often than their own - it drove me nuts.

All you can do is 1)keep the doors locked, so they can't just wander in.
2) Go out and not tell them. A few times of knocking on the door and getting no answer might train them to call first.
3) When they call, explain you are up to your eyes and will call them later. Then hang up.

It's probably better to not have a frank discussion if they are the sort who will be hurt by it and interpret it as you not loving them. I'd go for more changing your availability.

AandO · 21/07/2011 13:46

Karma - I think those are great ideas.

OP - perhaps combining being very unavailable and scheduling time together would be a good option?

whatsoever · 21/07/2011 14:12

Never felt compelled to post on this board before but a big fat YANBU from me. The trouble is, the sort of people who would come round unannounced and not think that rude will eb the sort of people who will not take a "sit down and have a frank discussion" very well either.

However I think it sounds like that frank discussion is needed, even though in the short term it will result in drama, but hopefully in the long term they will be more thoughtful towards you.

honeyandsalt · 21/07/2011 14:12

Being devil's advocate for a moment, if you can't find the odd half hour for your parents it's quite sweet they drop round to check up on you. Would you really rather they didn't give a toss?

Of course they should respect your wishes on ringing up before coming over. But you were pretty teenaged in your response to them too. Should've said "Oh, great idea, kettle's over there I'll have one too" then smiled at him expectantly. Yes, you do have a degree of responsability to their feelings.

Anyway, just be honest and blunt with them about ringing before coming over and tell them why (I find it embarrassing when you walk in/we could be out and I don't want you to waste your time and petrol money). I agree that they crave a bit of time and attention from you. They're not going to be around forever, maybe you should have a hard think about your priorities and set up a regular Sunday afternoon thing or something. Your mum did all the things for you you're doing for your kids now remember, can't you give her that much back?

It's a yanbu and a yabu from me.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 14:19

Hang on a minute, they interrupted her shagging? Shock

GwendolineMaryLacey · 21/07/2011 14:21

Oh I don't know, I give up. Having just been told on another thread that I can't possibly have an opinion because I don't know the family in question Hmm, only the OP knows if it was reasonable and if she says it was then it was.

luckylavender · 21/07/2011 14:30

I'm sorry but I am quite shocked. You knew they were like this before they moved 15 mins away from you. However much they annoy you, if you behaved that rudely to me by not making me a cup of tea, I would be very upset if I were your parents. When your children grow up and try and shut you out, maybe you'll understand.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 14:36

So, you people who think the OP was rude for not making her demanding parents a cup of tea - had you noticed that she was flat out on the sofa with a flu-ey virus thing? Or do you really think that the OP should have hauled her sick arse off the sofa and made a cuppa for her perfectly well and ablebodied parents who seem to have no compunction in treating her house as their own?

FFS.

luckylavender · 21/07/2011 14:42

I had noticed but she said she was wallowing - it didn't seem life threatening. I have the same right to an opinion as everyone else, and just because it is not yours, it doesn't mean you need to use foul language, even in abbreviations.

Ephiny · 21/07/2011 14:43

Yes they were the rude ones on that occasion - barging into her house uninvited and without even knocking, and demanding that she get up from where she's lying ill on the sofa to make them a cup of tea?

It is not about shutting them out, or not wanting to see them or have them involved in your life. But surely there can be some middle ground between no contact at all, and this sort of dysfunctional behaviour.

I think it's hard to understand if you haven't experienced overbearing/clingy parents, and just how wearing and upsetting it can be.

alemci · 21/07/2011 14:44

Lucky Lavender. the OP wasn't feeling well and was slumped on the couch. If her parents are used to calling in all the time then surely they could muck in and help her out. i.e. make her tea, get her some shopping etc.

My inlaws are really nice but they used to call round unexpectedly and we used to hate it when they would tap on the window. It was usually when we had just sat down after lunch and kids were at school and DH was off in the week.

However, they didn't seem to like it if you turned up there unannounced. Do you have keys for their house? They do sound like they need to do their own thing a bit more. Not always easy.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 21/07/2011 14:46

I wanted to use it and so I did. I can. I am an adult. And if I had met you face to face and you had given your emotionally blackmailing opinion (similar to the sort the Op's mother uses) I would have said it out loud to you and NOT in abbreviation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2011 14:48

lucky, surely any parent worth their salt would have reacted to OP on the sofa with "Oh your poor thing, you look terrible, shall I make you a cup of tea, you look as if you could do with something hot inside you!" or some such.

I'm inclined to think that anyone who is content to walk into someone's house as if it were their own, will not struggle to walk into the kitchen and treat it as their own too.

AgentZigzag · 21/07/2011 14:48
luckylavender · 21/07/2011 14:51

Equally she could have asked them to make her a cup of tea and engaged in a less dysfunctional conversation with them. I have an overbearing / clingy mother in exactly the way the OP describes, although my parents live miles from me. They have conversations in the way the OP has described and I too limit what I tell them. I see them as often as I can, speak to them every day at least once and "grin and bear it" as they will not be around for ever. To be so rude about a cup of tea, to anyone I find very shocking, and it is setting a very bad example to your DD, who if you are not very careful will grow up to treat you the same. That is my opinion and I am entitled to it.

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