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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

270 replies

Anapit · 18/07/2011 23:53

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 23:55

you want my advice ?

offload the dead wood, seriously

there is no longer any reason for you to keep this cocklodger in your life

you don't like him, you don't respect him

get shut, he has nothing to offer you

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 23:55

He's had a nice long run of cocklodging.

Time to make him fend for himself for a bit.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 18/07/2011 23:56

:o

Cocklodger is currently 2 for 2

Original poster
Anapit · 18/07/2011 23:57

oh fuck, that bad?

OP posts:
aurynne · 18/07/2011 23:59

I would separate, to be honest. But please take into account that, if he was a SAHD and depended on you for the whole relationship, he will have the right to half of everything. And he may want custody of the children.

AnyFucker · 18/07/2011 23:59

you don't sound the type who would give house room to such a loser

he must have had some good qualities once

somewhere along the line, he lost respect for you, and decided he didn't have to lift a finger

now it's your turn to call the shots

ScaredyDog · 19/07/2011 00:00

Firstly, if you only work two days a week, your house should not be a dirty mess - because that means you're at home five days, as well as him not working.

Have you sat down and talked about this? Does he see you purely as the breadwinner? Does he have no qualifications at all?

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 00:00

you need to start by taking legal advice about childcare/residency/property and assets

get clued up

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:01

Here's his take :
there is not a woman in the land who would stand for being in the insecure position he is in - not married , no rights , no property share ( I owned my home outright before I met him , he lived between his mum and girlfriend )
and yet he is main carer, he could get turfed out at any point and THAT is why the relationship is crap - my refusal to commit ( read - sign over some of my assets to him so he is ok in th event of a split )

OP posts:
Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:02

aurynne, where do you get that idea? that he has rights to half of everything?

OP posts:
ll31 · 19/07/2011 00:02

I just think if it was other way round - you'd have loads of people telling you you were being unreasonable to "dump" wife... if he's looked after kids etc as you wanted - so now as they're older maybe you need to sort out different agreement... you need to talk to him not us

SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/07/2011 00:02

"Does he see you purely as the breadwinner?"

No he also sees her as a skivvy.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 00:02

I don't blame you for not committing

what would he be offering you in return ? (and I don't mean in a monetary sense)

he is lazy, and you detest him

why on earth would you "commit" to a man like that ?

latitude · 19/07/2011 00:03

I think you're a saint for putting up with this arrangement for so long. I do think you need to seek legal advice though regarding the division of assets and also the situation regarding custody of children as if he was a SAHD he might be regarded as the primary carer etc.

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:03

anyfucker, I dont actually think of him as a loser. Something happened recently ( I cant bring myself to discuss it here) that shifted the balance forever though

OP posts:
aurynne · 19/07/2011 00:04

Anapit, I get that idea from the fact that women in the same situation as your DH would have the right to half the DH's money and house, and would probably keep the children.

However, I may be wrong. Anyone else could help with this?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/07/2011 00:04

If it was the other way around and a woman without a job did no housework and spent all her time scuba diving and refusing to get a job, not many people would say a man should put up with that.

ScaredyDog · 19/07/2011 00:05

I can kind of see his point, if he's been allowed to be a SAHD? Same rights would apply to a SAHM (even one who didn't keep a nice house, she'd still have rights), but I'd imagine a good lawyer could help in the sense that you're not married and he doesn't work, so hasn't contributed financially.

It all sounds a bit heartless though to just kick him out, is the relationship that bad? Or is it just general annoyance at him not working/not keeping a clean house?

Sorry that I missed the uni bit. He's never shown any inclination to get a job since you financed him through uni?

latitude · 19/07/2011 00:05

Sorry I misread Blush you're not married so division of assets is not relevant here, although the issues around the children still are

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:05

aurynne you are falling into the classic trap of believing in the common law wife myth. It does not exist. Please shout it from the rooftops

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/07/2011 00:06

We need to know about the thing.

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 00:06

Jeeesus I would get rid of him, and you know he is entitled to half of everything you have. So he is set for life, half of your business? Half of your home equity, everything.

Why? Why would you bankroll someone to that extent that they became lazy.

aurynne · 19/07/2011 00:06

He has taken care of 3 children for 10 years as a SAHD. Many women would say that in itself is a full-time job. Why does it not work the same way for a man?

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 00:06

Ahhh not married? Fantastic!

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:08

scaredy he had a part time job for a year ( arranged by me via a friend) but took voluntary redundancy.

I am an incredibly easy going person, truly I am but following the incident in question it is as if the scales fell from my eyes.

OP posts: