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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

270 replies

Anapit · 18/07/2011 23:53

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

OP posts:
aprilbear · 19/07/2011 07:16

I think he's taking the piss. Having said that, I think this is one of perverse situations where it happens mostly the other way round. I know several women whose children are all well into school age and they don't work, and in all these cases the husband works full time. At Least you are only working 2 days a week. I suspect because you earn so well that you can support the family and his expensive hobbies on a 2 day week (I realise you spent a long time building the business btw) he feels there is no point in him working because he could work seven days a week and earn far less than you still. Again, this is an attitude ive seen with women- their husband is a high earner and they feel entitled to be ladies who lunch. The problem is, this is really demeaning, your dh is not getting the fact that self worth is an important aspect of working and contributing to the family. He sounds like a no hoper, and I would be setting some ultimatums

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 07:27

April bear and queen he most certainly does feel demasculated. but I have gone past trying to buoy up his masculinity because I see it as his own fault that he does not work and it is all a part of his perverse "poor me" attitude to life

OP posts:
Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 07:29

April I know what you mean about it happening the other way around and nonone bats an eyelid - except that I do - I have never ever understood how a woman would allow herself to be financially dependant on a man.

OP posts:
Al0uiseG · 19/07/2011 07:31

His unemployed status has led to him becoming the sahp by default. It doesn't sound as if it was a jointly made decision, just an accident.

Wamster · 19/07/2011 07:38

If they are not married, he is not entitled to anything.

lovesicecream · 19/07/2011 07:40

Cocklodger love it! Tell him how you feel and that it needs to change, it sounds like whatever he has done has tipped the balance for you anyway, if you can't forgive/ forget what ever it us maybe time to get rid

aquafunf · 19/07/2011 07:40

OP
he is the father of your children. it sounds as though you have decided to split, you really do.

presumably you know that he is legally entitled to very little. what you really need to decide is what is fair (rather than legal). it would not play out well if your children, the youngest of whom is still in primary school saw their father chucked out of the family house without a bean.

Goblinchild · 19/07/2011 07:47

I'd do the talk and cut the funding for his hobbies.
I have several female relatives in the same position as your DP who seem very comfortable, because their partners facilitate their dependence. At least two resent being the sole earners and worry about it as well as feeling they are being taken for a ride, but are unsure how to change the status quo.
You have helped create this situation, so it's good that you are now thinking about possible strategies other than kicking him out.
Think about how you will explain dumping him to your children. They might expect that there would be some ultimatum or opportunity to change offered before you decide enough is enough.

Goblinchild · 19/07/2011 07:47

Is a woman who does this a cuntlodger?

aprilbear · 19/07/2011 07:47

I agree with you anapit- I cannot begin to understand why some women are in this position either. I don't know why their husbands put up with working to fund a leisurely lifestyle for their wives once the children are all in school, and neither can I understand how the wife can justify it to herself and the rest of the family either! But it does happen.

I think You need to spell out exactly how unhappy you are and also how appalling this situation is for him. Ask him outright how he sees his life without you. Would he be happy to live in some shitty bedsit? Is he happy to contemplate an entire lifetime of poverty? Not just having to give up his scuba diving, but actually scraping to get by each week? Is he going to be happy looking back on his life and knowing he never held down a proper job?

Wamster · 19/07/2011 07:48

To be honest, I don't think it matters whether or not he became a sahp by default, he did do it and that is all that matters from a moral viewpoint. I would also like to say that if the genders were reversed here most people would be intolerant of you- very intolerant.

Nevertheless, I personally feel pretty sure that he is entitled to sweet F.A., and this is only right as my take on this is the same regardless of gender ie want rights get married! It's not as if he can prove financial contribution or anything.
But you know this anyway, so from a financial point of view I think you can relax.

PenguinPatter · 19/07/2011 07:51

I have to say that being a SAHP does erode massively your confidence. I fully intend to get back to work when the youngest starts school - a powerful motivator for me is that we need more money - really want to move to a nice area and I want to take the pressure off my DH who has had experience of losing a job. It is not made very easy for returnee though.

I probably wouldn't have taken any voluntary redundancy once back in either -like your DP did.

Another motivator for me is I can sit around and do nothing all day - what does your DP do all day? I do not understand why your DP is not at least helping with the housework.

As for being financially dependent on my man - well it just happened combination of my contact ending's at start of first pregnancy - DC close together and alot of moves for DH work and both us wanting one of us at home pre school years. I'm not wild about it but its for a short time.

If you've taken legal advice - and tried talking to your DP - not sure what left other than relate but it sounds like you've made your mind up you want out.

Wamster · 19/07/2011 08:01

Anapit, do you know that if you were to die intestate this man may have a claim on your assets as he could show that you had supported him financially? I know it is perverse when current situation if you were to split up is that he'd get nothing. But perhaps you'd like to use this information as a spur to move things on and get him out?

I'm on your side as I've no time for people who say that cohabiting should bring rights, but please bear in mind that if your genders were reversed here you'd not get such a warm reception. So resist urge to get on moral high ground. Smile

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 08:05

you are all amazing, every one of you. You have all "got it' immediately, and are able to see both sides, the roles being reversed etc.

About his legal entitlements. Because of the family law Scotland act (2006 from memory) there is SOME provision for cohabiting partners. it's vague but basically he could go to court to get a lump sum off me. It has not been tested too much . However there wd be no need as I would try to be fair and would pay him what I could afford if we split. I had a major panic a few weeks back when I was worried he might be able to claim half my assets and kick ME out , but I have calmed down from that now. From my extensive research that won't/can't happen.

He is NOT a bad guy. Just unmotivated , grumpy and negative ,and I now feel used . He does some stuff around the house - cooks and does some of the laundry. But he watches TV a LOT!

OP posts:
DilysPrice · 19/07/2011 08:05

It's not about the job is it? If he went out tomorrow and got a job stacking shelves and used some of the money to pay for a cleaner then you wouldn't run into his arms in a Hollywood ending.

And if you loved him then it might seem silly to force him to get a crap job to earn money the family doesn't need just because of some abstract principles of fairness.

But you don't love him, and the relationship is deeply broken, and you need to deal with that.

wearenotinkansas · 19/07/2011 08:07

Haven't read all the thread - but I think it's not about whether you are BU or not - but just how you feel about it. He has been SAHD by the sounds of it - so he has contributed hasn't he?? That said, if you feel taken advantage of - you should tell him so. I suspect that most wives would get some kind of a job when their youngest is school age.

Seems like the obvious thing for me is that he gets a job based on his expensive scuba diving hobby. If you say you're not paying for it anymore he'll have to find a way to subsidise it for himself.

Obviously, if you don't want to be with him anymore then just get him to leave anyway. But that isn't really about the money is it?

Also, would be careful about what he might get if you split. As DP he shouldn't be entitled to half the assets but he might be able to build an argument for getting some share of the house if he has contributed to it financially or in kind - BUT I know this point has been looked at recently - and I may not be up to date.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:09

look, for those valiantly trying to swop the genders and implying there are double standards being applied here, this man is lazy

he does no work around the house, so is not fulfilling the duties of a SAHP

he leaves it all for OP

those women who you all know "live off their husbands" I assume take on the running of the home (or the rich ones employ someone else to do it)

this man has no intention of working, does nothing around the house, takes the piss with a very expensive hobby, she pays his debts and he is bringing OP down with his negative attitude

she also doesn't like him very much

would you think all this was an acceptable relationship if this lazy fecker was a woman ?

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 08:09

AF - why not just leave?

partly for kids reasons but also another thing. For a few years I have been tired to the point of exhaustion a lot of the time. I have been to my doctor several times about this, she has taken blood etc and can find nothing wrong with me. I worry about my ability to physically cope on my own.

BUT....just recently I have begun to wonder if the exhaustion is CAUSED by the draining effect of being in a bad relationship! Could that be the case?

Also , my wonderful mum died very recently and I am just so so sad about that and wary about making any big life changes while in the midst of new grief

OP posts:
MoreBeta · 19/07/2011 08:12

april - I agree with your description of women with school age children who live off their husband, don't work, many have a cleaner as well so the house does not get messy.

This situation sounds exactly like that.

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 08:14

Dillys, you have REALLY got it! Thanks , that is spot on.

You too AF, the gender swap thing is irrelevant too because he does not fulfil the role of a sahp . And sadly, I don't like him much . Well obviously I do a bit.

I read the abused threads a lot and think there is a tiny bit of that dynamic going on- just when I think we need to separate things get a bit better, he helps more around the house, he is kind to me etc and I worry about how the kids will react if we split

OP posts:
Wamster · 19/07/2011 08:18

Oops, you're in Scotland. Sorry, assumed you were in England and Wales.

AnyFucker, it's not about acceptability, but, be honest, if the genders were reversed here, a lot of people would be saying things like: 'She deserves a break; she has spend x amount of years bringing up children', 'Can't put a price on parenthood and being sahp', 'why should she be your domestic slave?' and all the rest of it.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:18

I would put money on you being so exhausted because of your crap relationship

You effectively do it all and carry him too (financially and emotionally)

That is enough to see anyone off

Sorry about your mum

FWIW, some people see a lifechanging event such as the death of a parent as the impetus to sort out what is wrong in their life, not as a reason to stagnate in an unsatisfactory status quo. Just a thought.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:21

Wamster, I wouldn't personally be saying those things, so I can only give my own POV, of course

I have never been a SAHP, but if I were, I would take on the bulk of running the home. I would see it as "my job". That is perfectly acceptable. What this cocklodger is doing, is not, IMO.

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 08:21

yes AF, i do get it about death of a parent giving you a kick up the backside to sort your life out.
it has made me want to curl up in a corner (have spoken to many who have experienced exactly this reaction) and I am fighting that impulse very hard

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:23

I said "some" people, ana, people react to grief in different ways. I am so sorry about your mum.

has your P been supportive at all about your feelings of loss and grief ? Has he taken on any of the responsibility for the home/family to give you a break to deal with it?

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