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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

270 replies

Anapit · 18/07/2011 23:53

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 19/07/2011 08:25

You're 50 - it's time to do what you want.

He may get half of everything but he won't get ongoing support - he may get half because he could be seen to have acquired a beneficial interest in the property.

I know you're not materialistic but you are 50 and you need a really good pension, your business may stop making money, your children may need money for university - he is a drain on your finances, get rid as cheaply as you can as you still have 3 children to support.

Wamster · 19/07/2011 08:26

I know you wouldn't be, AnyFucker, but a lot would be saying those very things- you can't deny that, or can you? I don't know.

All I'm saying is that in situations like this, there is bound to be pro-female views and anti-male bias on a site like this. It's just human nature.

All I'm saying is that Anapit should bear in mind that if she is going to look here for advice, she'd do well to remember that if the advice here would be different if she were a bloke. Don't think I'm being unreasonable to say this.

Anyway, I myself am not being judgemental; I can see why she has had enough and should get rid of him as cheaply as possible. Why waste life on unhappiness and to me he sounds as if he does sweet eff all.

fastweb · 19/07/2011 08:33

it is a total myth that unmarried partners have the same rights as married. it is a dangerous myth, one that refuses to die

Yes.

There is a site aimed at making sure people are well aware of the difference between cohbitation and marriage in terms of rights and realistic expectations. here

I'm really pro people learning about this gap between belief and reality. My SIL had no idea (and nor did I) that cohabiting did not give her the rights as a wife, right up until my brother left her at 8.5 months pregnant and with a toddler.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:34

I don't deny anything, wam, and neither does OP. I don't see how it helps her though to say "Well, what would people say ". It doesn't matter what "people" would say. OP has one life, and currently hers is miserable.

She shouldn't care about how it would be if the genders are reversed. This is her situation which clearly is unsustainable.

I think she is being remarkably fair to him. He has sponged off her (financially and emotionally) for years to the point of making herself ill.

Amateurish · 19/07/2011 08:38

People calling "cocklodger" are demonstrating serious disrespect to the role of the SAHP. This guy has been SAHD for 15 years - 3 kids, youngest now 10. This means that very roughly for 10 of those years he has been looking after pre-school children, and up to 3 of them.

It seems so callous to advice OP to ditch the bloke, take residency of the kids and cut all financial ties.

Maybe he is now being lazy, but I can understand that so much time as SAHP can make a return to work very difficult. Particularly when OP makes so much money, and only on two days!

OP - your man needs to get on with the housework, or get a job. It is not acceptable to laze around all day.

maypole1 · 19/07/2011 08:39

To be honest you have two failed marriages I would look at your self to be honest it can't just be bad luck every time

Depending on how old your kids are he would 99.9 get custody and probably get the house if he is the main carer married or not

I wonder if people feel the same about me as a sham

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:40

maypole, that is seriously bad advice

read the rest of the thread < sheesh >

strictlovingmum · 19/07/2011 08:41

"House husband", tuts, tuts, tuts, unload the dead wood, pronto.
Lazy git had it too good for too long.
Legally and carefully, there is the possibility he won't go quietly.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:42

there are always people who want to divert a thread into a SAHP/WAHP argument aren't there ?

MN is bloody obsessed with it

how frustrating for OP Hmm

Lucyinthepie · 19/07/2011 08:44

Maypole1, read the rest of the thread and consider stopping giving completely inaccurate advice.

Al0uiseG · 19/07/2011 08:49

Could be worse AF, she could be breastfeeding while he wants to bottle feed. Full thread in 20 minutes then.

Hijack over.

porcamiseria · 19/07/2011 08:50

when I read title and though YABU, but no, he is taking you for advantage

give him an ultimatum, then maybe decide on a new "path"

Velvetunderground · 19/07/2011 08:50

I have not read the whole thread.

I just wanted to say that the money side of a relationship is only one aspect of the whole thing. If you do not get the love, affection, respect, you both do not communicate and there is nothing in commom then leave as the relationship is over.

But if it is just you feeling resentful for the past, you can not change what happened and do you not owe it to your oh to change before you leave?

I would not worry about other people as we all have our own lives to live. You need to do what is best for you and your children.

Could you live with only seeing your children every other weekend if the ruling goes agenst you?

Money comes and go's its people that count.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:52

Al, I know Grin

or perhaps he uses parent/child parking spaces and she doesn't want him to

TandB · 19/07/2011 08:52

There is some staggeringly bad legal advice on this thread. I know the OP is in Scotland, but people were clearly advising on the basis that she was in England at various points on the thread.

This 'he will get half' nonsense is just that - nonsense. This isn't a marriage and there will be no divorce court. There would be financial arrangements to discuss in terms of child maintenance depending on who is the resident parent, and possibly some argument about an interest in the house. But the bottom line is that no-one who goes into a relationship with no assets and substantial debts is going to walk out of it with the house that belonged to the other partner to start with when there has been no financial contribution to that asset whatsoever.

And as for he will "99.9%" get the children. Well really.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:53

Al, since you are here, you are a SAHP aren't you ?

Do you think this bloke is misunderstood or a cocklodging lazy arse ?

or summat imbetween?

mummytime · 19/07/2011 08:55

There is a clear difference between a ......Lodger an a SAHP.
A SAHP even if they have a cleaner (or even a housekeeper) does all/most of the school stuff: finding schools, going to school things, keeping up to date with progress etc. They may also supervise homework, give some extra tuition/help or at least ferry children to lessons. They tend to organise any outside help, phone trades people and so on.

cookinmama · 19/07/2011 08:57

In Scotland my understanding of cohabitation law says that no party should be unfairly financially disadvantaged due to the breakdown of the relationship. This in essence means that if you have contributed more to the relationship you should get the bigger chunk of assets at the end. The fact that he has contributed nothing for the last 15 years would mean that he would get nothing, he also has no rights to the children as they were born before 2006 and you are not married, therefore the fact that he has been a 'sahp' shouldn't have any bearing on the breakup and he would really have to get the kids removed from you because of neglect to get custody.

maypole1 · 19/07/2011 09:01

The main carer odds on gets the children jet because he's a man you don't think this is the case

If it were a sham on here saying that her oh wanted to leave her and what about the kids

What would we say, we would say you are the main carer and no judge would move a child from the person who mainly looks after them to live with a parent who works x amount of hours a week

cookinmama · 19/07/2011 09:02

And that should have said joint assets, not just assets in general.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 09:02

stop diggin', maypole

cookinmama · 19/07/2011 09:04

Maypole unmarried fathers in Scotland only have equal rights if named on the birth certificate after April 2006. Children born prior to that, it is the mother who has sole parental responsibility.

Amateurish · 19/07/2011 09:04

cookinmama - what a load of tosh. Please don't give legal advice if you don't know what you are talking about.

strictlovingmum · 19/07/2011 09:04

Agree with anyFucker completely, this is not about gender, it's about not pulling your weight, and he doesn't not any more.
To be honest I would feel exactly the same if woman was in question, what about his self worth, self respect?
With children of that age there is no real need for him to be at home all the time, regardless of how much you earn, it isn't about the money, it's about him getting out of a lazy rut.
if you still have feelings for him, and want this relationship to work, it's time for a talk.
Him getting back into work, and doing his bit in household, will earn him you approval and respect in return, it's very simple, question is Does he need you approval and respect?
Only he knows answer to that.
Good luck.

Wamster · 19/07/2011 09:05

cookinmama, Does the contribution have to be financial only to get a chunk? Or does housework and childcare count? (in Scotland, that is)

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