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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

270 replies

Anapit · 18/07/2011 23:53

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

OP posts:
cookinmama · 19/07/2011 09:09

Amateurish, have you actually dealt with the law that deals with cohabitation in scotland?

cookinmama · 19/07/2011 09:12

As far as I am aware they look at it on a case by case basis but as the OP is only working 2 days a week there does not appear to be a huge amount more done by her DP than by her. And if there are no joint assets there would be nothing to split in the first place.

MrsCampbellBlack · 19/07/2011 09:12

OK well I'm a SAHM and I think the DP is a lazy so and so.

Seriouslyas a SAHM to 3 dc's - 1 in school, 1 in pre-school and smallest at home full time - I do pretty much everything at home because thats the deal that DH and I have.

I spend what I want and have a cleaner but domestic stuff is my responsibility as DH works very long and stressful hours.

Your DH has taken you for a ride and I think you should discuss with him a fair financial arrangement for him and get out of the relationship.

Good luck.

MrsCampbellBlack · 19/07/2011 09:14

Is a SHAM a very bad SAHM or one whose only pretending? Wink

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 09:14

anapit

I have just looked at your old threads and it appears I hit the nail on the head when I asked was he at all supportive (emotionally and practically) when your beloved mum died.

I am so sorry he wasn't. Are you ok, you have gone very quiet.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 09:16

Love, with everything else put aside, that was the dealbreaker for you, wasn't it ?

Could all the bickerers about The Law give it a rest now, please ? There is a woman suffering here, ffs.

Amateurish · 19/07/2011 09:16

"he also has no rights to the children as they were born before 2006 and you are not married, therefore the fact that he has been a 'sahp' shouldn't have any bearing on the breakup and he would really have to get the kids removed from you because of neglect to get custody"

Clearly rubbish. When making a residency order, the courts will look at the individual circumstances of the couple. OP's DP will not need to show neglect to get residency. Also, he does not need PR to get residency. If he did want PR, he would be able to get it via a court order.

Laquitar · 19/07/2011 09:17

I always thought that if you (man or woman) are very succesful and earn lots you do have this problem unless you only date equally succesful people.

If you leave him and you get involve with another man who sweeps you off your feet and had a baby with him would you marry him and share?

strictlovingmum · 19/07/2011 09:20

Amateurish love if anapit heeds a legal advice quoted she can get herself down to the solicitors, that specialise in family law.

Amateurish · 19/07/2011 09:30

She could, be she's already said that she doesn't like using solicitors and prefers to get her advice on the web! Anyway, I'm not trying to give advice, just pointing out that other advice is misleading, and shouldn't be relied upon.

cookinmama · 19/07/2011 09:30

Amateurish "In Scotland, the Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006, which came into force on 4 May 2006, confers parental responsibility and parental rights on unmarried fathers where the father is registered as the child's father. However, it only applies to unmarried fathers who are registered as the father after 4 May 2006." as quoted from the lawpack website. Prior to this they have no rights or responsibilities.

strictlovingmum · 19/07/2011 09:35

I don't think OP should rely on any legal advice given here, online, what we can do here is give support and understanding and offer a receptive ear.Smile

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 09:35

have you two finished ?

Velvetunderground · 19/07/2011 09:43

Stupid question but if he opened his own scuba driving school and made money and used his hobby to make money would you feel better?

I really dont think this is about money but about how the both of you interact together. He does not sound very supportive towards you. Would you consider counciling and trying to reslove all the issues or have you just had enough?

Anushka11 · 19/07/2011 09:53

Hi, Anapit
I was very much in your situation 2 years ago,then split (10 yr relationship).Sole earner, good income, but long hours.

ExP had a p/t job initially for a few years (2/3?) and relationship worked ok. he then lost it, and became SAHP and studied p/t, again enthusiastic in the beginning, then rather less so.

Last 3 or 4 years did nothing- did not look for job, did not study,did not do house work. Did sort of look after DS (born 2006, but I mean "sort of" (DS in nursery 3 mornings/ week at that point). Complained when I said he should do housework, or find a job- housework was womans work, but did not want to work and put DS in Nursery more, either. Was annoyed I would always earn more, but happy to spend my money.
Verbally abusive, called me lazy (FFS, I earned ALL of the money and did MOST of the housework). Controlling, undermining.Severe MH issues (properly diagnosed, bipolar)

Very much had the "poor me" attitude, everyone was against him, and very entitled- because his failure was everyone else's fault, the world (will say: me) owed him a living.

Note he is an "ex"
I am 46. Work 60+ hrs/ week. I have 3 children- 2 teens, and 1 pre-schooler. All my family live abroad, and due to ExPs odd/disturbing/ controlling behaviour, few friends.

I cope. The first few months I lurched from one crisis to the next, but it now runs smoothly. I am tired a lot, but nothing like the bone-weary exhaustion I had before. Never regretted splitting.

( I lost my lovely mum to breast cancer 10 years ago. It was dreadful)

Sorry for long post Blush
Take care, and do what is best for you.
If your kids are teens, they will get to decide who they want to live with, anyway, legalities should not be involved over 12 yo I think.

fedupofnamechanging · 19/07/2011 10:12

Given that there is no love here, I think you are better off leaving the relationship.You can only work through problems if there is a fundamental love and respect in the relationship. Once that goes, there is nothing. Even though you don't like solicitors, I do think it is worth consulting one, because your partner will, once it becomes apparent that his lifestyle is under threat.

He will take the pov that as a SAHP, he has supported you in the building of your business, and that may well be true. Whether he intended to be a SAHP or ended up as one by default, the fact remains that he did become their primary caregiver. In doing so, he has been out of the workplace for a long time and it's hard to get back into work, having been out for so long. You have been happy up until now to support his lifestyle, although I do get that his lack of emotional support for you means you are not getting anything in return, just his bills!

If you are only working 2 days, then there is no reason why he couldn't try to rebuild a career. I also think that a SAHP should take care of the house while the other partner is at work. That is a fair division of labour.
I would say that not all SAHP should return to work once the DC are in school - it depends upon the working pattern of the other parent and all sorts of other factors, but in your case it seems he could do more.

I think that whatever we say here about legalities it is all speculation and you won't really know until you do it. If you think splitting up is the only way, then best to get it over with. You have said you are prepared to be fair wrt financial settlement and access to the DC. No one should have to stay in a loveless relationship for ever.

Wamster · 19/07/2011 11:28

Well I would agree with everything Karmabeliever says apart from two things:
1, In Scotland he could argue that he supported you in building of business etc (everything in 2nd paragraph). Not England and Wales.

2, He may not go down the solicitors' route, prepared to be flamed for sexism but men may be a bit embarrassed to do this as they've got a macho pride. Not saying that he won't but have to say he will get more stick from his mates than a woman would if he does.

I don't think saying this is irrelevant; I think your mind is made up and it's just best to get it out of way by seeing solicitor in real life. Bear in mind, though, that neither of you have to go down solicitor route. It's not compulsory!

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 19/07/2011 11:31

I think you should get rid of him. However, before you do put the property and what you have contributed to it in a deed of trust so he cant get his hands on it.

knittedbreast · 19/07/2011 12:04

ok i dont know much about much but could you not stick all your money in cash trust funds in your childrens names with you as guaratee.

im sure there are people who you can pay to ensure he dousnt get a penny.

sounds like a twat to me. i work so that i can always say i didnt just stay home with the children

fedupofnamechanging · 19/07/2011 12:09

Because 'just' staying home with the children is obviously a terrible thing to do knitted?

God forbid a couple should decide it's in the best interests of the whole family for one of the parents to stay home and look after the children.

suburbophobe · 19/07/2011 12:12

Stupid question but if he opened his own scuba driving school and made money and used his hobby to make money would you feel better?

I don't see anyone who's been sittin on their ass for 15 years suddenly opening a business, anyway, where would he get the money from for it?
Not from the OP I hope! She's done more than her share!

Wishing you all the best Anapit! Get your legal back covered asap! It may be worth your while investing a bit in lawyers' fees to know you've got it all covered and no nasty surprises further down the road. You owe it to yourself and your kids.

Wamster · 19/07/2011 12:22

Don't know if this has been mentioned already but if he is reliant on Anapit for money, where is he going to get money to take her to court if he wants to be a complete wimp and do so?

Wamster · 19/07/2011 12:23

Presumably solicitors want to get paid?

Laquitar · 19/07/2011 12:23

I don't know...this thread is confusing.
One could say that op's dp was not sitting on his arse as he brought up 3 dcs with a partner who was working all hours building a successful bussiness.
Now there is not much need for childcare but also not much need for work either. Plus OP now is working 2 days (but has good income and no mortgage). A loving couple would have a ball now, the time of their life.

There is more than work/money issue here.

mumdrivenmad · 19/07/2011 12:42

I would just like to say "wow", I really admire the fact that you have managed to build up a business so successful that you only have to work a couple of days a week in order to support your family. That is truly amazing in this day and age. If you can do that then you can get through anything this life throws at you. I think you need to be a bit more selfish now and make sure you look after yourself, especially as you have just lost your dear mum. So many women are putting their family before themselves, but they should remember to look after themselves a bit too.