to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

[Anapit]

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

piloi- really? Are you sure? i did visit a lawyer after the incident. She was the top recommended family legal expert in my area. About £150 for half an hour to be told stuff i had learned on a websearch.

COmpletely hopeless. I have very little faith in lawyers whenit comes to reasonably intelligent non vindictive peoploe splitting up, I'm afraid, and got divorced twice, amicably, without using any

tenacity, I agree with your analysis! he ws a self employed painter and decorator but did not work hard, was disorganised and in debt. I fell for him because he is a decent , honest man, I knew all his family who are just lovely, I am NOT materialistic almost to a fault, and I really did not care about money one hoot. Now I do because I see it as representing honest toil!

it's ok, honestly, ana, am not doubting you

was just recognising some parallells with a previous thread

these cocklodging men do fit a pattern though, that is for sure

ana, if he won't fight you for residency, won't make life difficult etc, then what is stopping you calling time on you relationship ?

serious question

Kew, dead right. Nothing at all wrong with one partner doing the paid stuff and the other doing a big share of the home stuff. Works great when love is in the partnership. But ther is no love here

AF gawd knows these things are so often the same. I have been around MN a long time and looked at thread s and thought WHY THE FUCK DONT YOU LEAVE. so many are the same. fuck

you don't like him, you don't respect him

he feels the same about you, presumably

what is left ?

I can't get this thread to load

AF you are bloody right.
what's left is 3 lovely kids who adore both parents, and a fmily/ community setup that functions really well from the outside but is crap from the inside
.

MN is playing up recently

I must go to bed, keep posting, love x

thans AF will post in the morning

what is Off the beaten track?

cross posted

MN on a go-slow, atm

if you can both make it amicable, those 3 lovely kids will still have both their parents

but you and him would have a chance of finding a better fit with someone else

it happens every day, everywhere, it's not the end of the world if your relationship has completely rn its course as you seem to think it has

nobody dies

OTBT is a topic area that is not googleable and doesn't appear if you search your user name

it is very quiet though, if you posted there, you would probably have to indicate somewhere that is what you are doing, which can kinda defeat the object

SHECUTOFF -"Becoming a SAHP parent by default because you refuse to work is emphatically NOT the same as coming to an agreement with your spouse that one of you will give up work."

Thank you. This is exactly how I see things

OTBT is in "other stuff" in the topics list, in the same section as AIBU

wd you look in OTBT if I indicated you look ther? does it get deleted, like chat?

going to bed now, ana

sleep tight x

cross posted again

I don't know if it gets deleted, like chat does, tbh

it doesn't appear in Active convo's either

although it will show on your Threads I'm On

ta lovey, sleep tight , more misery tomorrow!

ana, you could send a private message any time you like to people on this thread, indicating if you make a new thread in OTBT

ok, cya tomorrow x

I think this man is taking advantage of your generosity! I do understand that once upon a time he might have had some redeeming features, but not anymore.
It also sounds like he has no shame, and will continue to be a leech as long as he is allowed. It's a tricky situation isn't it? I understand you do not want to break up your family but you only have this one life to live. The sooner this situation is resolved, the sooner all involved can carry on with their lives.

Is this a happy situation for your children? Can you afford to continue as normal? What do you want from life, and what does your children and DP want? Either way, I think something has to give..

Tenacity, again, spot on. every word you say is how I see it too. Hell, i need to act, don't I? Can't live like this forever

I think you've had the patience of a saint to put up with this for so long. Most men would feel quite emasculated by not contributing to the household income. Maybe this has been a problem for him which has festered over the course of the relationship?

I'm one of those people who finds it almost impossible to post without reading the whole thread first (which means I don't end up posting a lot) so I read about you mentioning the thing he did in another thread. I feel a bit stalkerish since I hadn't posted here first, but I had a look for the other thread and read the first couple of posts. It really does sound like he's either got some sort of psychological issue and/or he's lost all respect for you as a person. That is a shocking lack of empathy for anyone let alone someone you're supposed to love. If you're sure that he's not entitled to anything or likely to get custody then I would get rid ASAP. I know they were talking about bringing in a law where cohibitees have the same rights as married couples, I'd say get out now in case it does happen (and you generally don't hear about this sort of stuff until it's law or just about to be).

I would sit him down and explain how you are feeling a little bit very used and taken advantage of. Explain to him that you are committed to the relationship just by being there and trying to talk through these feelings, and a piece of paper proclaiming partnership doesn't mean anything with regards to the bond that you share.

Besides, with two marriages in the past, I'm feeling that most people wouldn't just rummage around for Husband No. 3.

Also tell him that he can't just live off of your income, and if he wants to continue his ludicrously ostentatious hobby, then he will have to start paying for it himself, because you don't want to be the lone prop that holds up the family. It's too much responsibility for ANYONE to take on to be honest, and even if he really contributed to the housework it wouldn't make a difference IMO because if something were to ever happen, he'd find his lavish lifestyle downgrading rapidly and I don't know if he'd be man enough to tighten his belt considering what I've read throughout this thread.

If he won't listen, or brings up old arguments, or blames you because you won't "commit", then just keep telling him that for as long as you're together, you're committed. And if he can't see that it may be time to go your separate ways.