to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

[Anapit]

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

The Scottish parliament really made a dumbass idea with this Family Law thing, didn't they? . I hate this well-intentioned patronising sit. If people want to be sponge off each other when they split, they should get married (I do not* include here cases where a cohabiting couple split the spoils of a JOINTLY-held asse where it is all recorded properly that they both equally own a house, for example).
At least with marriage, there is an element of having made one's bed : standing there declaring to support each other forever blah-dy blah.

I sincerely hope you end up paying this guy nothing; if he had any pride or self-awareness, he would surely realise that it is him that owes YOU big time.
Funding university course, scuba diving. Need I go on?

Do you know what I'd like to see happen here? Some legal bod saying that he owes YOU money?! That would be just great.

Wonder if it would be possible (if he gets awkward) to put in a claim that he owes you money? I'm not a lawyer, but just wondering aloud.

You know what Wamster? I agree with you. It is only because he is the father of the children that I would not want him to be completely penniless. Thanks again ! In fact the law is effectively digging its beak into people's sex lives. Thats what differentiates a couple from flatmates - the fact that they have or once had sex .

It's decent of you that you don't wish to see him penniless, however, I don't think you should be made to give him any money. The 6k that has been put forward here as a guestimate of how much you may have to give him, will not last him long if he wishes to keep up his current lifestyle unfunded by you, but should allow him a humble but livable life until he is forced by life to sort himself out. That is his problem.

Agree totally that all this cohabiting law is people sticking it's nose into people's sex lives; I don't mean this in a sarcastic way but, IMO, if people wish that they should get married. You chose not get to get married, you should not be treated in same way.
Good luck and I hope that if you do you give him money it is of your own accord and that you are not forced into it.

Interestingly a friend of mine split up with her husband and it was absolutely no contest that she'd earned every penny brought into their house, and had looked after the kids since he was completely feckless.

He tried to claim 50% since they were married - friend sat down and listed every single incoming and every single outgoing they had had for the past 10 years.... marking each "joint expense" "my expense" "his expense" "my income" "his income"- what do you know, his expenses (which I guess would be your husband's scuba hobbies etc) were something like £80k a year (hers were around £8k coz she spent her life working her butt off)!!!

Eventually even he had to concede that in terms of effort/money in he really hadn't contributed more than a couple of soup spoons as his family's wedding presents. I think she let him have the soup spoons....

northerngirl that is very interesting. Did your friend's husband take her to court? Or did she manage to avoid that?

He managed to run up an OBSCENE legal bill including barristers etc. but before it got to court, I think that given the overwhelming evidence of his complete idoitcy the barristers/lawyers actually advised him to sign over the house and call it quits as otherwise she was quite prepared to go after his "toys" which she'd bought including car and an expensive hobby too... Amazing she'd kept all the bank statements etc but they served her well!

thanks Northerngirl. Always good to get some real life examples.

I wonder if it's a gender thing as I stay at home, have 4 dcs, and our spend on ourselves would,be 50/50 I think.

Not sure Posieparker - I do know some seriously high spending women. But there does seem to be an expensive hobby thing for many men.

Yes, ours is around 50:50 here too. DH does more expensive things, but less frequently, so it all evens out.

OP, I owe you an apology. I posted earlier on the thread with sympathy for your DP because I thought people were being tough on him purely because of his gender. But I was reading a thread in Relationships earlier today where the woman was complaining about her DP not wanting to get married and the advice given to her was very similar to that suggested for your DP - build up some savings, get a job.

cinnabarRed, thanks for the apology - really not needed
I completely appreciate all views.

When you are in the middle of relationship trauma ( and you have kids ) it is extremely difficult to detach from yourself , if that makes sense, and really be objective about your situation.

That is why I truly welcome all views on my situation, and partly why I posted on AIBU , althought I have always found it an odd distinction (surely people should answer what they think no matter where a question is asked )

cinnabar, or anyone else, can you link to that thread? I couldn't find it

Golly, it was an old one from about March this year - on page 50 of the Relationships board. Will look for it at work tomorrow. It's not entirely equivalent to your situation, but had some parallels.

Thanks x

Reviving the thread (should I have posted a new thread linking to this one?)

I am still v unhappy in my relationship - see first post.
DP is now, for the first time, actively applying for jobs.HURRAY!

DO I wait till he gets a job before ending the relationship?WOuld that put me in a stronger legal position?

I think it would

Given that you are not married, and from what you've said about assets being in your sole name and his lack of financial contribution towards the upkeep of your home and maintenance of the dc, I can't see how you can be in a stronger legal position than you are now except that if he should get a job you'll be able to set the CSA on him for maintenance for his dc.

It seems apparent that he doesn't have a leg to stand on in terms of pursuing you for any financial settlement, and it seems to me that you are overthinking any possible legal ramifications, most probably because you are feeling guilty that the cards are stacked so strongly in your favour.

Unless both parties are of the same mind it's not easy ending a long-standing relationship, particularly when there are dc involved, but unless you wish to continue living miserably you're best advised to terminate this relationship sooner rather than later.

A month has elapsed since you first posted here; ample time for you to have found a 2-bed flat for him and broken the news that you no longer wish to have him living under your roof draining your finances and your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Would continue to pour money into a failing business after you'd tried your best to turn it around? I suspect that you'd cut your losses and move on to a new venture. As this analogy applies to your relationship with your dp, I'm at a loss to understand why you are still dithering.

As previously advised, rent a flat for him and present him with a fait accompli. If you get an attack of the guilts when it comes to telling him blame your recent bereavement, claim you need space, imply it is a temporary or 'trial' separation; in short use your business brain to bring about what you want and need in your personal life.

izzy I cannot thank you enough for your considered and detailed reply.
You are right. Thank you. I need to act.
It seems apparent that he doesn't have a leg to stand on in terms of pursuing you for any financial settlement, and it seems to me that you are overthinking any possible legal ramifications, most probably because you are feeling guilty that the cards are stacked so strongly in your favour.

True, and true again. thanks for your eloquence

I agree with the other posters who think you should kick him out. We could all learn from your cool financial astuteness in this matter.

You're killing yourself for 2 days a week while he swans about with his awful hobby. I'm surprised you put up with this cocklodger for 15 years - thats a lot of your life wasted on a no hoper, even if he did end up bringing up the kids.

They dont need much bringing up now though, so what has he done for you lately?

IMO - wait until he gets that shelf stacker job before you do the deed. You dont want to end up paying for his bedsit!