Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be sole earner forever and consider leaving DP because of it

270 replies

Anapit · 18/07/2011 23:53

be frank.
I am 50, been with DP for 15 years. We got tog and had 3 children pretty quickly.I had known him as an acquaintance for many years. Comfortable loving relationship at outset, no lightning bolts which perversely drew me. Relationship now crap.

I had had 2 previous marriages ( 6 years each), no kids in either. good friends with both ex Hs.

for entire 15 years I have worked, he has not. He had no property/ savings when we met. In fact I paid off his 10k debts. I have financed himthro uni. He can't /won't get a job.

I am ONLY NOW deeply resentful of fact I payroll the whole damn thing . I have my own business (which took me years of hard work to establish) and share all my earnings.Never set any limits on his spending .He spends as much time on his expensive hobby (scuba diving) as I do at work. I pay for all his kit and holidays. I earn a lot and am very generous - give thousands to charities every year.

Made sense when we were a couple He technically is the stay at home parent but the youngest is now 10 and I only work 2 days a week and when at home do ALL the home stuff.

I am silently seething because he does very little at home ( house is a dirty mess) and he wont get a job because I earn so much he thinks it's not worth his while.

Please advise. The relationship is crap.

OP posts:
aurynne · 19/07/2011 00:08

Anapit, if i were you I would check that very carefully with a lawyer. If I am wrong, I have nothing to lose. If I am right, you could be in for a very nasty surprise. You have been together for 15 years and have 3 children, and he has been the SAHD. It does not matter whether you are married or not, he is the main caregiver.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/07/2011 00:09

Becoming a SAHP parent by default because you refuse to work is emphatically NOT the same as coming to an agreement with your spouse that one of you will give up work.

FabbyChic · 19/07/2011 00:10

It could be said he did not earn becuase he was the main care giver and because of that you could earn what you have earned, a good solicitor will get him some pay off.

Can you not offer him £10k to take a hike?

aurynne · 19/07/2011 00:11

SheCutOffTheirTails, they both may know that, but a judge does not. How do you prove that in court, if her Dp says he stayed at home to take care of the kids?

I am not defending him, he sounds like a lazy loser. I am actually trying to help the OP.

DuelingFanjo · 19/07/2011 00:12

clearly you don't like him. Now, if it's just the being the main breadwinner and the lack of support you hate then maybe you can work it out but it sounds like you ust hate him so why not just split up and try to be as amicable as you can for the kids. You will have to reach some kind of financial settlement though I am sure.

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:13

We have discussed splitting. I have asked him if he wd want me to move out ( of the house I owned before he came along) for him to look after children and he said no. he is not too unreasonable.
If you hve read saint Lundy of Bancroft I think he is characterised as the Loser- not sure exactly of terminology - the Man who could have been something big but the world conspired against him.

Bought the book - DP found it and got angry and may have binned it!!

OP posts:
stupefy · 19/07/2011 00:13

Tell him to get a job or get out of your house. Being a sahp is a valid choice, male or female but now the kids are at school full time he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and start contributing financially.

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:14

aurynne, I am very sure of my facts.
it is a total myth that unmarried partners have the same rights as married. it is a dangerous myth, one that refuses to die

OP posts:
aurynne · 19/07/2011 00:15

Anapit, he may very well be saying that now. But as soon as he gets in contact with a lawyer, I can almost guarantee you he will change his tune. Please be the first to get all legal advice, because you are going to need it.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 00:16

OP, have you posted about this situation before ?

Don't say what if you don't want to discuss it, but I get a feeling this thing he did was something sexual that you cannot get past

you are under no obligation to stay with this man, nor should you, from what you have said

take legal advice, love

Eurostar · 19/07/2011 00:18

You say, "never set any limits on his spending" - now is the time to do so.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 19/07/2011 00:18

Something happened that shifted the balance forever? Has it shifted the balance of your feelings for him into disrespect or indifference?

From what you've said you're in a position to call the shots. If you stop his allowance and give him the order of the boot, he's going to need his scuba diving equipment out in the real world because he'll sink.

How will separation affect your dcs? Do they have a close relationship with their df?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 19/07/2011 00:18

I know aurynne I was just answering your question (maybe it was meant to be rhetorical :o) of why it would be different for a SAHM.

I would have as little respect for a woman who refused to get a job and just expected to be looked after despite her husband's wishes as I do for this man. Well maybe not quite as little, since a woman having 3 children would still have 3 pregnancies and a lot of breastfeeding to get through in that decade.

But I agree, nobody outside the relationship will know that. Still, as they are not married, financially he's fucked. Child custody/access arrangements will presumably be affected.

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:19

bloody right not married. I am very calculating about that stuff.... which he says has contributed to he breakdown of the relationship Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:22

could I post what happened on chat ? so that it was removed soonish? it is very significant - not sexual AF, but thanks for your very kind concern, I know you out a lot of effort into repationship stuff

OP posts:
piloi · 19/07/2011 00:23

Its a difficult one as if he's been a SAHD and the primary caregiver over the childrens life then he's got a good chance of being given residency for the children whilst the OP becomes the NRP. I certainly don't envy the OPs position.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 00:25

ok, ana, not pushing you I promise

I think I may have you mixed up with someone else

you could post in chat, where it disappears quickly, or even in Off the beaten Track which is not googleable and doesn't show in searches of you user name

chat has much heavier "traffic" though

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:25

child/ custody stuff is not an issue. i would never ever limit his time with the kids. I think it wd be in their best interests to continue living with me in the home they have always known, and I am fairly sure he wd agree to that.

. I would hope to avoid lawyers / courts because I wd not be looking for him to finance me and kids , nor would I be limiting his access to the kids

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 00:27

piloi, I think that would be very unlikely

OP works only 2 days a week, owns all the property and they are not married

the children are not tiny, and quickly getting more independent

this bloke would not get residency

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 00:27

he would have to prove OP is an unfit mother

not gonna happen

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 00:28

"I pay for all his kit and holidays" - well stop that for a start At least if you are only paying for yourself and the childrne you won't resent paying for him too. He is an unmariied male with childrn ewho are (presumably) old enough to not need him home full time. If he doesn;t want to work part-time to fund himself then he can manage without.

piloi · 19/07/2011 00:29

AnyFucker- I don't know to be honest, I've heard of non-married SAHMs who don't work getting residency before so I still think the OP should take legal advice before doing anything

Original poster
Anapit · 19/07/2011 00:29

AF yu can search my name , I have posted some basic ( legal fears ) stuff, never used a diff name. Always been scared he would be monitoring my laptop, has grilled me about whether I am "posting to strangers on web about our relationship"

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 00:30

oh and your title is wrong - you are not wanitn got leave him because of the money but because "the relaitonship is crap". If you were as happy as Larry wiht him you wouldn;t consider breaking up.

Tenacity · 19/07/2011 00:32

Well if he does very little at home, he is hardly comparable to your average SAHM, is he?
OP have you talked him about why he does not contribute much to the home? If he refuses to work, who does he expect to look after him or provide for his children?
To be honest, he sounds like a user, and I am surprised you have put up with his behaviour for such a long time! He needs to grow a spine, and stand on his own feet. What did he do before you met him? Has he always been like this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread