To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

For the record, I BF my DD for almost 3 years because it was right for me. I would never refer to BF as the best thing to do for all mothers and babies and I would never say that FF is a second best choice (whenever the mother started FF).

if the second best feeding is the first best for other reasons then that's fine. I chose to FF my second (''failed" to BF my first) and I'm very happy with that choice because it helped me cope with a baby and toddler - other people could feed him and I got more sleep.

Yoodle I've already explained how I can be repulsed by breastfeeding. I have a neurological disability which interferes with my sense of touch.

All things being equal no-one would choose the second best piano teacher but what if the best on was too expensive/too far away/you didn't like them personally. Everything is not black and white.

Hairy, good point!! :)

well yanbu to feel sad you would be very unreasonable to show it or say anything at all to her.
My sister and I are both expecting babies at the same time next year, I have breastfed before and am still breastfeeding my toddler, this is her first she has said she will be bottlefeeding right from the first feed. I have kept my mouth shut, its her choice and although i do feel like she and the baby will be missing out I know that they will both be fine and if thats what she wants well who am I to argue?

Papermate- Yes, it's a public forum. I am perfectly at liberty to comment. Breast milk is superior. No one can deny that.

Soverylucky-Some pathetic excuses there I feel. Embarrassment? Bodily appearance? Rather a lot of selfishness I feel.

Totally agree Jamie. I always say that breastmilk is best - whether breastfeeding is best depends on the circumstances.

Your list of 'what to do for the best' that is

I would feel sad, I always feel a bit sad when I see a tiny baby being bottle fed. I breastfed 2 children and no, its hard to start with and I didn't have lots of milk, but later on it seemed easy, no fuss or bottles.

I am still puzzled why so many don't even try it.

I'm rather amused at the irony of being on a parenting forum where breastfeeding isn't seen as terribly important.

No need to feel sorry for the poor deprived little babies

Mine all grew up and you wouldn't even know they were ff

AlouiseG ... But not all BM is superior ... A friend of mine had an infection after her cesarean and was not allowed to BF because of the drugs... So no, all BM is NOT superior.

YANBU to feel sad that your SIL has caved in to the overwhelming pressure to NOT breastfeed. It makes me feel sad too.

I wish I had known all I know now about the pressure before I had my 1st DC

OrdinaryJo

I've found some of the research you wanted. Don't forget, it's not concrete, it's an ongoing area of interest.

Mother to baby contamination of PCBs inducing autistic traits in rats:
www.pnas.org/content/104/18/7646.full?maxtoshow=&HITS=10&hits=10&RESULTFORMAT=&fulltext=merzenich%252C+kenet&searchid=1&FIRSTINDEX=0&resourcetype=HWCIT

Newspaper article discussing that research in a language us mere mortals can understand:
articles.latimes.com/2007/apr/25/nation/na-autism25

Scientific article discussing the effect of PCBs in utero and brain development:
www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/04/090413204546.htm

And finally, the research showing the levels of PCBs in breastmilk, cow's milk and formula:
www.pjoes.com/pdf/14.2/237-241.pdf

Very interesting though this thread has been, I feel like I should now take my leave before my family die of starvation.:o

Personal choice, if someone doesn't want/ can't bf for whatever reason it is their business no one else's

Hardly a choice then Joric. I think people are just finding excuses to justify bad decisions.

What Al0uiseG said.

i think because it is a perfectly adequate substitute people choose it as the best for them and their family. yes bm is superior, but not by lightyears, and if there are other factors i can understand why someone would choose to ff. well, theoretically i do, in reality i can't help but think ' really, you don't think it's even worth trying? it might be easy for you'. ff is much easier, emotionally, and in many ways practically, and you get a happy healthy baby either way. i know the statistics and the amazing powers of bm, but you cant pick people out of a line up and see who had what, and you never know what actual impact ff/bf has had on your children.

i think to bf successfully you often have to be a bit OTT about it, otherwise you wouldnt do it. a lot of women i know chill out massively once they've moved on from it. i know that i dont really give it much thought now, but after fucking it up first time and really wanting to do better with dc2 i was further along the militant bench. perhaps if i'd not ended up ffing twice i'd still be intense about it.

Are you going to answer my questions alouise or are you another one who is ever so passionate judgy about breastfeeding but spectacularly unable to argue your point when questioned?

Sorry op bf is but one of many parenting ideals.Over the years you'll find time and time again your dc won't be experiencing the ideal in everything.

Wait until you've had your baby and got a 7 year old who over the years didn't sleep as much as they should,has eaten bags of candy floss the size of his head,not been read to every night,been shouted at unfairly now and again,probably not been made to walk as much as he could have done every single time,has not had a mummy talking in a restrained reasoning tone every time he's naughty,experienced screen time..........

Then you'll see how ridiculous and silly your op was.

When your dc are 18 and hand on heart you can say(which actually nobody can)I gave my dc the absolute best in every single way, every single time then you may warrant a tiny bit of smuggery and upset at others not reaching your heady heights of parenting.

Until then-beak out!