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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

1003 replies

wheelygirl · 17/07/2011 12:39

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

OP posts:
lovetomatoes · 17/07/2011 14:41

sorry just read the OP properly. congratulations on your pregnancy and hope all goes well.
these bf/ff slagging matches are tiresome aren't they? To recap YANBU to feel the way you do. Passing comment would be very unreasonable as it would cause bad feeling have no effect whatsoever.

Al0uiseG · 17/07/2011 14:43

Joric - Im not talking about people who can't, I'm not even talking about people who attempted it then switched to formula. I am referring to people who make a deliberate choice not to breast feed. At all.

hairfullofsnakes · 17/07/2011 14:43

Joric. When dis AlouiseG say she felt superior???!! Another totally defensive post! Breastmilk is superior - are we not allowed to say that anymore?! Oh of course on MN we are not are we just in case we upset some people - how ridiculous. And AlouiseG is quite right to wonder why a woman would not give her baby breastmilk if she could what with all the benefits it has.

papermate · 17/07/2011 14:43

Her baby, her choice; lots of babies are sicky after a feed, and lot of babies snuggle in to mum or dad, that doesnt mean they need a boob.

You have to respect her decision. The 'second best option' (what an excellent reference, must get that t-shirt) wont harm your nephew, it is perfectly fine and no doubt he will thrive, Just enjoy him, and congratulations on becoming aunty.

BumWiper · 17/07/2011 14:47

Alouise are you really bothered by other womens breasts and what they do with them?
That in itself is bizzarre.

yoodle · 17/07/2011 14:50

joric - i agree i do not like posts where people who did not get on with bf feeling attacked. we feel guilty about everything being a mum and i was lucky to be able to bf mine. i did really struggle the first two weeks everytime but as soon as i was through the painful part it was so enjoyable and easy. some bf's never have any problem from day 1 and i guess for them they can not understand what others had to endure.

when any of my pregnant friends say they want to try bf i always say that if it is 100% something they want to do then they need to plan and round up all teh advice and support for when the times comes. if you are struggling at first and you do not have constant support around you then it is so much harder.

it also annoys me when some people say it will not hurt if you are doing it right, this also makes some mums think they are not doing it right abnd give up as they can not imagine suffering this pain any longer. all three times it hurt me for two weeks, first time some of my nipple came off and bled (that was due to bad latch) but everytime someone checked my latch it was fine so i guess my boobs just need that time to adjust. so it does hurt some people at first but if you know it may hurt you can be prepared for that.

Anyway that is a whole other post. I am very pro breast feeding but I would never push or judge my friends who ff.

Al0uiseG · 17/07/2011 14:52

Of course not, I'm concerned that there are people who choose not give their babies breast milk. Formula is inferior to breast milk, it's an excellent back up for babies who can't be breast fed but it's still just a substitute.

soverylucky · 17/07/2011 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinkyWinkola · 17/07/2011 14:56

It's not really anybody's business how someone feeds their baby as long as it's not pureed Chinese take away.

Op, I'd not say anything to your sil. Wait until you have your baby and you'll be so grateful for any support for your own parenting decisions.

joric · 17/07/2011 14:57

AlouiseG and hairfull - I said BF mothers were not superior.
In response to Alouise's reference to FF as a second-best option.
As I said, who are you to judge another's choice?

Al0uiseG · 17/07/2011 14:58

As I said earlier, I'd just like to understand the mindset.

I can't do anything about lots of things but it doesn't mean I just think, "It's none of my business, let them get on with it"

Al0uiseG · 17/07/2011 14:59

Why would anyone "choose" second best though?

BumWiper · 17/07/2011 14:59

I wouldnt waste my time being concerned for babies who will thrive on formula.

Hmmmm pureed chow mein.

usualsuspect · 17/07/2011 15:00

I FF all of my DCs by choice

I don't give a toss how anyone else feeds theirs

Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:02

Mind your own business. I was set on breast feeding until I got eclampsia and ended up in intensive care, bottle milk didn't hurt my baby. He now towers over me.

Yes you are being unreasonable and you sound irrational to be brutally honest.

BumWiper · 17/07/2011 15:02

Why would anyone choose to buy vegtables Alouise?

Because the choice is there.

Al0uiseG · 17/07/2011 15:02

No one ever chooses the second best school or second best piano teacher, the second best anything, we always want the best, or at least we should do, for our children. So the one thing we can do for our babies that is free and superior yet some people make an informed Hmm decision not to do it.

youngwomanwholivesathogwarts · 17/07/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 17/07/2011 15:03

Well if she has made her decision, it´s no one else´s business, is it?

Although I´d be concerned about her expressing-that´s not what you do if you don´t want to bfeed is it?

papermate · 17/07/2011 15:04

AlOuseG - is it real your place to remark on superior or second best, when it comes to a decision made by another woman on how to feed HER baby! you have had your chance at breast feeding and no doubt loved it, as you said let them get on with it.

Bumwiper - dh tried pureed chinese when he fractured his jaw and was realy sick of my offerings - it tasted hideous!

soverylucky · 17/07/2011 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mitmoo · 17/07/2011 15:04

There could even be a medical reason that she doesn't want to discuss with a "better than thou" SIL.

HairyFrotter · 17/07/2011 15:04

Aloiuse the mindset for me with my dd was that I had severe antenatal depression and was unable to care for dd when she was born. DH doesn't have breasts. The SIL of the OP could be in the same situation for all we know.

Just out of interest - did you have your child at the recommended optimal age? Did you wean them as per the guidelines? Did you give them a dummy once bf was established? Did you have them in a cot/moses basket in the same room as you at all sleep times including naps for the fist 6 months, did you always sleep them on their backs? Did you move them out of their carseat after 2 hrs even if they were asleep?
And if you have said no to any of these questions is it any of my business whatsoever?

usualsuspect · 17/07/2011 15:05

oh well ,they all grew up ,its a long distant memory now

diddl · 17/07/2011 15:05

Forgot to ask-
she "doesn´t want him to get used to bmilk"-what does that mean?

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