To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

Alouise, how do you think my friend who had no choice would feel being told she was doing the second best for her baby by FF?

Generally mums on here are very concerned about doing the best for their children, but on here many seem to put their own needs and wants first - it doesn't make sense to me.

Sometimes I wonder, both of my DC have a little eczema DS had a bit of formula as I couldn't express milk, DD had no formula milk. DS's eczema is worse than DDs, could it be the feeding?

I too am interested to hear about your views on other 'best things to do for child' .... For example, I know that It would be 'best' if I stopped chatting on MN and played with DD....

YABU.

It's up to her, it's her choice and it's nothing to do with you.

If there were other ten people in that room all demanding their turn with the baby then she had little choice about comforting her baby did she. Because you lot were there, passing him about like a parcel and judging her for everything she did and didn't do.

You say you don't judge people, but you are judging her when you say "...but at least try and do it."

When you have your own child you will understand how difficult the first few days and weeks can be. I hope she is a better person than you and doesn't judge and sneer. And I hope you don't get ten people in your living room demanding their turn with the baby when all you really want is for them to clear off so you can try and find your way as a new family.

Because it's hard in too many ways to explain to someone who thinks they know it all without ever having been there.

the only thing that still winds me up with the old bf/ff debate is the the gunning for women who tried and failed for whatever reason. i feel shitty about it already without hearing how i've made up excuses and don't you know some people would have just bloody well managed. i'm sure they would, and bravo to them. to some people there simply is no valid reason for using formula, they'd always have found a way round it. i dont get what they get out of it.

Well gabid I find it odd that you think that mothers should be such martyrs that if, for whatever reason, bfing is going to cause substantial psychological harm to the mother for example, and there is a perfectly adequate substitute available that a mothers needs are worth so little that they should bf anyway.

soverylucky - yes, I also wonder, if I had ff my children would they both had terrible eczema.

AlouiseG - I don't think anyone has said BFing isn't important.
I love BFing my baby. Over the last 10 years or so, I have BFed for 56 months and still counting.
Breastfeeding is important, of course it is, but how wrong would it be to force a new mother to breastfeed against her will? Whatever her reason for choosing not to, she has a right to have her choice respected.
Maybe with better support, less criticism (for both BFers and FFers) education about BFing for children, it will become normal to more people to breastfeed, but I would suggest that this attitude towards FFers will do nothing to encourage new mothers to breastfeed.

I must admit I DO feel a little sad when (if there are no specific circumstances that mean bf is not possible) someone decides not even to TRY bfing.

However, I feel more sad about first time mothers being subjected to unhelpful, judgey, condescending opinions. People may think that just because they haven't voiced there opinions about how people bring up their children, that that's fine. But I think its pretty apparent to first time mums, who are already often lacking in confidence, when someone is disapproving.

A raised eyebrow, a passive agressive so-called positive comment etc etc can grind you down. OP you need to be supportive, try a bit of empathy, and put your judgey-pants away!

Only read the OP. And that's enough to not bother with the rest of the thread.

YABU. Butt out.

I very much doubt it Gabid as research now queries the benefits of bf for exzema and actually are wondering if it can cause it.

Gabid do you prepare,from scratch, organic,low fat/meat meals high in veg every night for your dc?Do you hear them read every night,exercise them every day,ban screen time,ban all sweets and high fat cakes,biscuits,crisps never making an exception?

If not then surely you're putting your needs and wants first as that is what you should be doing if you want the best for them.

Joric - She had no choice, therefore it was the best option. I am talking about people who choose not to breastfeed. Not people who cannot or who try and then give up. The ones who choose formula feeding.

Hairy Frotter - Conception is a bit more of a chance issue, although I was in my mid twenties. Every decision I made was based on my child's wellbeing, I had a premature ds who was in Picu, I expressed Four hourly for 10 days. I then breast fed for 12 months. Ds2 was full term, over 9 pounds and greedy as a piglet I fed him for 12 months. They had dummies so I could recognise hunger over comfort sucking. I fed on demand, my babies welfare was my absolute priority. They are 17 months apart and both teenagers. So yes every decision I made was based on the optimal benefit for the baby.

Does that answer your questions? Although opinions differ on optimum conception age, sleeping positions and dummy use. Medical opinion does not deviate from breast milk being best for babies as well as the added benefits of closeness and bonding.

MilaMae - Exactly. Bf is a small part of motherhood. Anyone getting too het up over it needs to get some perspective.
Also I refuse to believe that I am suddenly less important as an individual because I am a mother. I know society would like to have me believe this but I refuse to give my dd that shitty a female role model in life. I can and will do anything I fucking want to whilst giving my child all the love and attention/discipline she needs. BF or FF has no bearing on this.
It's a triple marathon not a 100m sprint this parenting lark

I think the problem with a very small minority of women who bf is that they think that if they have managed it then why can't everyone else. Despite the fact that everyone has different backgrounds, support, pain thresholds, time constraints, levels of physical/mental health, sleep needs etc. The people who have struggled a bit and managed to carry on are the worst ime.

It is exactly the same attitude as some people have who have had no pain relief in labour - some say that that is selfish too. I am of the opinion that, like with ffing, sometimes the benefit to the mother outweighs the comparatively small risk to the child.

What annoys me the most is this ridiculous idea that putting a child to the breast is the only way to comfort them , I've bf and ff but never used the breast as a way simply to comfort my baby

They had dummies so I could recognise hunger over comfort sucking
:o brilliant!!!!! I'm going to use that at the dentists when he tells me the reason DD's teeth are not in line are because she had a dummy!!!
:o :o :o :o

HairyFrotter - 'substantial psychological harm'? How for example?

I do think bf in this country has a very low profile, still. It dosen't seem to cause too much plychological harm in many other cultures. I haven't seen too many African women bottlefeed, and fewer women bf in the UK than anywhere else in Europe - I think it's more about image and support.

My mum feels the same as gabid over excema, (but in reverse) my brother was the only one of her 4 , exclusively breastfed, he is asthmatic and had horrifc excema as a youngester, amongst other allergies.

i think its been proven that formula or breast milk makes no difference, some children are born with allergies, others not. In my mums case she wonders why she perserved with breastmilk for months, when her other 3 formula fed babies were allergy free. Infact it was only when she introduced goats milk into his diet did things start to improve.

I am still waiting for a cambridge 1st graduate to rip off thier gown and have a crisp white t-shirt underneath with the print

'It is because I was breastfed'