To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

I don't. They get lots of feeds from their dad's - my DH loved giving his two their bottles, and I loved the freedom I got while he did this.

I take it you're not going to answer my questions Hairful.
To answer yours - I understand your view as in I can make out what it is. But I think it's abhorrent and hypocritical unless you have followed every bit of statistically based parenting advice to the letter.

AlouiseG - you said earlier on that you were passionate about a women's right to choose what she does with her body.... Have you changed your mind?

And of course you are allowed to say how you feel - you haven't been censored have you. It's just that a lot of people disagree with you. Tis always the way when you express extreme views on anything.

Its a very interesting sub topic klad and I think you should give it its own thread.

Whats second best for baby might be the best thing for the family.Mother may not want to BF for a variety of reasons.Personally I think a woman begrudgingly BF'ing is more damaging.Babies pick up on moods and anxieties very easily.

I would feel sad too. In fact, I think it would make me cry, because I'm very pro-BF and am currently BF my 2nd child. So no YANBU, you can't help your feelings.

Youngwoman... Agree v strongly!!!

Heres something that makes me cry,the woman who beat,abused and neglected her 8 children being jailed for just 8 years.I certainly wouldnt cry about a baby being loved,however they are fed.

klad can you link to that research please?

Although it's not going to make me feel better if I find out BF contributed to DS condition, I suppose. [depressed icon]

Al0uiseG, it was me who said I was repulsed by breastfeeding and I should have explained a bit. I'm not repulsed by the theory of breastfeeding. Nor am I repulsed by others breastfeeding, if anything, I'm weirdly fascinated by it. I am however completely repulsed by the idea of doing it myself. I'd need sedating if I had to do it. But then I am autistic and sensory issues go with the territory.

OrdinaryJo, I'll pull it up for you, but it may take a bit of time to find, so bear with me.

It upsets me to think of a new mum 4 days postpartum trying her best to comfort her baby surrounded by hoards of family who should be supporting her looking down their noses at her efforts. Come on - who had a clue after 4 days? I know I didn't!

I'd feel a little sad if I saw that. But TBH - it's nowt to do with you. Let your SIL decide what she wants to do regarding her baby, and you decide what you're going to do with yours.

It really is no-one elses business.

Joric - Of course a woman can do what she likes with her own body but to make a conscious decision to give your baby the second best option nutritionally seems bizarre.

longtime lurker, first time poster
YANBU to feel as you do. I have no children either and do know how hard it can be to alwasy have to keep your mouth shut as, as the attitudes on here show, you obviously know nothing. It's amazing how having even one baby apparently makes one an expert. Don't mind people who say you know nothing because you don't have a baby.
However, you're dead right to say nothing. You can't. Unless you're a mother who has breastfed successfully, or are able to give actual practical advice, then you have to keep your mouth shut. I agree totally with other posters who say having ten people around is stressful and that's probably why your sil wasn't as responsive to the baby's needs as you'd expect. give her a chance, it's early and she's learning.
As for the breast-feeding, I'd feel the same way as you. Years ago I'd be all judgementalist if I saw a tiny baby being given a bottle. I'd think "What planet have these people been living on? Don't they KNOW? Have they missed The Message?" Now I know from the experience of close family and friends that breast-feeding isn't always easy to establish and that the right professional help isn't always forth-coming. Don't be hard on your SIL. It sounds like she made an effort in the hospital and that effort wasn't met with the help she needed. It's a pity but it's not the end of the world.
Don't feel bad about your feelings of disappointment. But the role of the childless sister in law is first and foremost to say nothing. I think you know this which is why you're venting on the internet. Congratulations on your nephew

I'd just like to understand the mindset.

Lyingwitch - yep we won't agree but still best buddies right?! We don't have to agree! I will exercise my right to feel the way I do and fwiw I respect your opinion too! I may think differently but still respect that you think differently to me...

Different opinions are fine I am just highly amused at how people jump up to name call if someone has a different opinion to them!

Kladkakka - you have every right to feel like you do without anyone calling you names though - I have been called names for my views on bf/ff!

Agree alouiseG that it's bizarre but just be glad you don't feel like that!

*Kladdkaka Sun 17-Jul-11 13:06:17

I never tried breastfeeding either. The thought of it alone repulsed me*

• Now that is such a weird thing to say, you are lucky you were not alive in the days before formula was invented.Would you have left your baby to starve because you were repulsed by it?

How can you be repulsed by milk that your own body has made that is perfect and made just right just for your baby alone, that has everything she needs and nothing else is needed until she it's time for her to eat? Nowadays you have a choice how you feed but to be repulsed? I bf all my babies but was never repulsed by formula feeders even though the taste of it is repulsive. It's your choice.

OP - YANBU at all and you will find on here that even though everyone will say you have a right to your own opinion you will be knocked down. There are many bitter on people on here who you have to whisper breastfeeding when they are around... you'll see! Many say they have no guilt but the sting of their posts reveal the truth.

You have a right to think what you posted and I do agree but you do not have a right to say it to your sil because it is her choice how she feeds. Most of my friends did not bf for many reasons and you just have to respect that because its their choice and their babies will be fine. Formula does the job, yes its not a natural product but it does not harm babies and most of us adults were ff and we're fine.

I've also seen friends who were really offish with their new babies and this is hard to watch. I guess some people are more maternal than others. I've seen a mum with a brand new baby screaming for ages in a clothes shop whilst the mum just browsed through clothes. I got so distressed by the cry as it was going on for just too long. You should never let a new born cry like that. Just as I was about to say something she left. I wanted to just pick the baby up and soothe her or him. I dont know what was going through that mums head, she may have had pnd, the baby may have reflux (my 2nd did and it's so much work dealing with the crying) but if so being upright eases their pain. I dont know but its hard watching mums who dont hold their crying babies.

Your sil will work out her way, it may just have been an overwhelming momemt for her.

It sounds like your maternal instincts have kicked right in so you'll have your chance soon. Becoming a mother opens you up to so much judgement so you just have to do whats right for you and your baby and remember to try and not judge others.

Hairy - disagreeing is one thing, being called a dick is another! I am not bothered anyway but it is interesting! It's fine you find my views abhorrent - I obviously don't agree but I have no problem with you saying how you feel!

AlouiseG - It's all of the assumptions I don't understand - how do you know what a woman can or can't do? You say
but to make a conscious decision to give your baby the second best option nutritionally seems bizarre.
This kind of statement makes people who cannot BF feel terrible. You are NOT superior if you BF - sorry.

Yoodle - great post x

Klad - your post reminded me of a friend with ASD who BF her first baby - against her will, but pressurised by her dh, mil and sil, who all said there is no other way to feed a baby, formula is wrong, blah blah blah. She ended up with crippling PND, BFed until the baby was 6 months.
With her second, she refused to try, yet still had pressure from all angles, and again had PND.
She and her dh split up (largely due to his (and his family's) pressure to BFeed). A couple of years later, she met her now dh, has since had 2 more babies, both FFed, with full support from her dh and family and has never been happier.
If anyone is forced to BFeed, I'm pretty sure it will never be a happy stress-free experience.