To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

Mila - you are turning the argument round.

Of course breastfeeding will not compensate for a long-term very poor diet of junk food in terms of obesity and bad health.

The (silly) notion was that breastfeeding's benefits would be negated by a long-term very poor diet of junk food ie if you plan to fill your baby full of crap from 6 mths you might as well not breastfeed.... and that's not true.

soverylucky - bonding is a process, which can well begin at birth, you are right. But it does not end there :) Yes, that's my point - bonding is not about the 'ingredients' or the type of milk, but about the quality of the experience and the behaviours and responses that are part of it.

Tiktock - i rarely fed dd3, dad done it all as i was ill for a month after her birth then went back to work whilst he stayed at home. I still have the same bond with her as the other 2 who i mainly fed. I cant see any difference TBH

I agree that bonding occurs no matter how a child is fed. My cousin and I were pregnant with our first DDs at the same time and our DDs were born within 3 weeks of one another. My cousin made no attempt to bf while I struggled for the first couple of weeks then successfully breastfed DD til 6m.

Like the OP I too felt sad that my cousin wasted her own milk to ff. I didn't understand why she just didn't want to try. I did not openly question her decision and I definitely did not judge her as a mum. She did have to take her DD to the doctor's more but I feel that she definitely bonded with her DD no matter how she chose to feed her.

We now both have 3 DCs each. She has ff all 3 and am bfing DS3 at 2.6yo. After recently reading The Politics of Breastfeeding I understand better why my cousin made her "choice" but that makes me feel really, really sad. I wish I had known about this book when DD1 and DD2 were babies, I would never have succumbed to the pressure to take them from the breast on to follow-on formula.

So many young mums succumb to the overwhelming pressure to formula feed and then feel guilty about it. Perhaps in the future the OPs SIL could look back and regret her "choice" not to try breastfeeding.

Overwhelming pressure to formula feed?

Where? I thought there was pressure to bf, not the other way around!

Breastfeeding mums are always under a lot of pressure from society and from health care providers to start giving formula.

Fifi, you're misunderstanding bonding and attachment.

If you were not able to do much in the early weeks, that's not a disaster at all as long as someone else does the loving, responsive, stuff....in your case your partner. This supports the baby's capacity to love and attach in return, and his ability extends to loving and attaching to you, when the time came :)

soverylucky - yes, attachment is a natural thing....we are hardwired to attach and babies come out looking to be attached! But it can be affected by many things - our emotional state, the way we were parented when we were babies, in particular.

OP - YANBU. I would have felt the same. We have to keep these thoughts secret though! Haven't read whole thread!

Breastfeeding may indeed reduce one's risk of PND but it obviously doesn't reduce one's risk of having a sense of humour bypass. :o

The crappy diet negating breastfeeding benefits post was entirely in jest.

Eurochick - once you've had a baby, and you've got into the swing of breastfeeding, drs and hv's seem very keen to tell you that you've done your bit, that after 6 weeks your baby isn't going to get any more benefit from being bfed. I had to fight to get a referral to have ds's Tongue tie snipped, because my gp couldn't understand why I wouldn't just put him on a bottle.
There is so much pressure to stop bfing.

I didn't find that at all, quite the opposite in fact.

"Breastfeeding mums are always under a lot of pressure from society and from health care providers to start giving formula."

I gave in to the pressure (from the manufacturers as well as my peers) to switch to formula for DD1 as I was going back to work after 6m. I didn't realise then that working and bfing were an option.

Since DS3 came along I have had many (well meaning) people asking "when are you going to bf til?" at first I'd say "til I go back to work". I'm still bfing him at 2.6yo and working full time.

I tried to switch DS to follow on milk on my return to work but he was having none of it. So I expressed my milk at work. Then there was an incident with some ignorant remarks from my colleagues about still bfing (another thread) so I read Gabrielle's book.

Now I realise the pressure I was under to ff and I now wish I had never put a bottle in any of my DCs mouths.

Kladd, if no one finds your 'jest' hilarious, , then you have to consider the possibility that you were just not being very funny....yes? :)

'Overwhelming pressure to formula feed'

You are joking?

It made me laugh Kladd

You are joking?! Very loud voice.

This was the response I got from one of my colleagues when she asked me when I had stopped bfing DS and I told her I hadn't stopped bfing him. He was 13mo.

Or TikTok perhaps you have to consider the possibility of un-twisting you knickers and having a ...yes?

Knickers are 100 per cent comfy, Kladd and on a diet so no [biscuit' for me....:)

drat

ah... reading on i see the defensiveness continues with certain posters... and the need to rubbish breastfeeding or make pathetic jokes despite the amazing benefits it gives. quite amusing and sad at the same time.

breastmilk is amazing for babies and well into toddlerhood when the breastmilk becomes even more concentrated and the benefits for a baby and toddler last for life. i see formula as an alternative that keeps babies alive but breastmilk has so many health benefits and antibodies i find it quite amazing that some people still try to argue it doesn't matter. it does matter and it does make a difference.

the silly jokes and defensiveness also show just how insecure some posters must feel?

Wheelygirl, whatever you say, I think you do actually care - quite a lot - about how people feed their babies. There's nothing wrong with that.

I am not sure "reason" or being "reasonable" (or not) comes into this issue. You know rationally that babies fed formula will generally do fine, as will breastfed ones - but you are still upset by your SIL's choice. In your shoes, so would I have been. I passionately believe that breastfeeding is the best way. But for your own peace of mind, you might try to get your head round the idea this is an emotional conviction about breastfeeding being the "right" way to feed a young baby. I share that conviction with you - but that's not to say that everyone will or must agree with me.

All you can do is your best by your own children and silently agree to differ from those who don't do what you think is best.