To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

Bf contributed to my pnd. Ok maybe it was more my perception of bf. I planned on bf and knew it can be a bit tough at first but thought in the end it would be a wonderful experiece. But I hatred it, it was so painful my nipples bleed loads, I seeked help from a bf counsellor but my nipples were in such a state that any slight touch was agony. It had a direct effect on bonding with ds1. I just wanted him to sleep, everytime he woke for a feed I cried and wished he would sleep just a little longer. What was supposed to be the happiest time of my life was a complete nightmare. I felt lke the biggest bitch for not enjoying and bonding with my son. I was advised to give him for formula for a few days to allow my nipples to heal, there was no way I could of carried on with the state they were in. I felt so guilty and a failure for giving him formula.
After a few days I successfully latched him on pain free but that was not the end of it. My milk supply had been dramatically affected and I only had enough for the day feeds, when it got to the evening he would tug and struggle on my breast and scream as nothing would come out. I had to end up mix feeding him. Again the guilt kicked in. FeEling that guilty that you are failuring your son and that guilty that you are a horrible person for not bonding with your son and feeling I had emotionally damaged him for not doing so,does affect your mental health.
Before I put anyone off bf, I relectulanty decided to give it another go when I gave birth to ds2 and had the wonderful problem free bf experience that I had dreamed of.

There are people on here that are telling you that they feel bf contributed to their PND and yet you still feel the need to spout how studies show bf decreases that risk and you don't think that's abit bloody insensitive? Anyway like I said baby blues, totally different to serious debilitating PND

It's not a silly comment bumbleymummy, it's an observation based on the fact that you have not expressed the slightest concern or dismay at the terrible treatment some ff feeders have recounted, but replied with curt statements to the effect that there is counter evidence.

Sigh... I personally am not claiming that it is untrue. If you disagree with studies that say that bf actually helps prevent PND then take it up with the authors!

orangehead, I'm glad things worked out with DS2 - it's a shame that it had got so bad with your first DS before you could get help. I get really annoyed about situations like yours where early help could make all the difference and there's others, like razzle, who didn't want to bf at all and yet so much time was spent on forcing her into it. The balance is all wrong...

Right lovesicecream...so we just go along with your comments even though there is evidence to the contrary?

Not being able to BF and getting completely ineffectual, conflicting help contributed to my PND. I decided not to risk it the second time. I knew that FF wasn't the bogeyman. Misplaced guilt is.

Threads like this don't help. I'm glad it's a distant memory here. A few of you here need to let it go. We know breast milk is preferable - in large scale studies. But we also know that for our individual children it's a small part of the picture that will add up to determine how happy and healthy our children are.

So much TIME! So the tragedy is that their time was wasted, not that my life was made abject misery?

You are a piece of fucking work.

... and also FF has advantages ... to those of us who have chosen it.

There you go with the twisting again...

I'd have had a complete mental breakdown if I'd had to breastfeed. No doubt about it.

There you go with demonstrating your complete lack of sympathy through the way you choose to express yourself.

no, i dont need to take it up with the authors, whoever they are. i imagine the study is more than 2 lines of judgement and that they are well aware that its not as simple as 'well, statistically PND is reduced by bf so your experiences to the contrary are null and void!'

And there you go with the consistently obtuse comments and thinking. Do you really not see why your comments could be offensive bubble?

This next point isn't to you alone (to all the vehemently pro BF's / anti FF).... the lack of empathy I've seen here today/tonight is breathtaking.

And I hope to god it is a lack of empathy. Coz if it ain't, then it's arrogance....

X posts Razzle...

From the article I've just read it appears the consensus is that PND is less common in women who are breastfeeding. BUT they cannot say that it is because they are breastfeeding. The consensus is also that women with PND tend to give up on breastfeeding and therefore it is impossible to know whether breastfeeding reduces depression or depression reduces breastfeeding.

bfmed.wordpress.com/2010/04/18/does-breastfeeding-prevent-postpartum-depression/

Impossible for who to know?

I know what caused mine.

I think they mean the medical professionals. The author of the article suggests that much more research is needed before any general conclusions can be drawn. (Obviously in specific cases, those involved usually have a pretty a good idea)

Oh the defensiveness continues...

And for people like razzle to say that there is no difference between formula and breast milk shows that the delusion continues...

Amazed at how some people are sp desperate to dispute the vendors of bm... Amazing...

Benefits not vendors! iPhone!

Haven't read the whole thread (sorry) but have skimmed posts and seen the tread is sort of the usual.

here is my two pence worth:
I breastfed my DD until she was 18 months old. My DS is 7 weeks and breastfed. It works for us. I don't give a tiny rats ass about how other people feed their babies (though, may get slightly [hangry] seeing people pushing chocolate buttons in my younger than six month old baby, but thats another story!
If somebody watched me, they may post something similar to your OP. I don't like to breastfeed in front of people, and would not breastfeed in front of 10 people gawping at me in my living room. I always go off somewhere quiet with the baby to feed them in peace.
Four days after the baby has arrived, there is a good change the mother is still bloody knackered; it was at about two weeks before i felt human again. Even if you have a lovely easy delivery, its a big adjustment to make, especially with your first (and still huge with your second, as you lose the advantage of being able to sleep when the baby sleeps because you have an older child to look after).
stop judging and see your SIL in a few weeks she the dust has settled. She may be totally different (less self conscious, its easy to feel everybody is "watching" you when your first child arrives). And if she isn't... well, its still none of your business

ifancy - which comments and thoughts in particular did you find obtuse?

I'm not desperate to do anything. Least of all express fake concern for other people's babies.

I am telling you I am a mental health nurse, I meet people all the time who suffer PND and who feel bf contributed to this, people on here are telling you the same yet you still feel the need to go on about studies? That by the way are stating bf may reduce the risk not irradicate it completely

Personally I'd have been very cross. I have nothing against women who try to breast feed and fail, been there and got the tee shirt. But not to try at all

There are also plenty of people on here saying that their FF babies are healthier than bf babies but that doesn't mean that on a population level it is true.

Did I say that it guaranteed prevention? I think you'll find I said that it 'decreases the risk'.