To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

"It's the first time I've seen breast feeding held responsible for mental health issues"

There is a woman who has basically written a abook on just this subject - there was an article about her in The Times a couple of weeks ago. Demand breast feeding (which she was urged by all and sundry to do) led to complete and utter exhaustion which led to mental health problems.

I am honestly shocked at the response to ToddlerWrangler's post.

I have seen a startling lack of compassion in these debates before, but this one really should be consigned to the MN hall of shame.

Disgraceful.

razzle, I'm confused - did you want to bf and fail or did you not want to and were forced? My comment about 'lost causes' is those who just don't want to bf no matter what - they just aren't interested. If that was your decision then no, you should not have been forced but why would it matter to you what other people thought if you had decided that you didn't want to bf? That was your decision.

"donated dairy free bm is something that just isnt available"

It is actually.

Sorry - it is available but not readily. I think it should be more widely available. However, the lack of it does not make something as good as it.

yeah ok

I feel sorry for my third baby who because of a mw In nicu I tried to put to the breast even though I didn't think it was a good time, he struggled to latch and when he was hungry it was more important that we got some food down him not how he took it, he snuffled. around for 10 mins as she insisted he would latch on getting more and more distressed until he was so tired ge refused to even feed from a cup, that's what the stupidity of breast is best can do, she then decided to re insert the tube feed over night , her excuse? He wouldnt feed! He was feeding fine until she poked her nose in! Even if it wasn't the way she wanted him too

doyou know if i walked into a drs tomorrow really ill my dr wouldnt say "your best option would be X but its not available" they would just give the best available option and give that as the best option.

If that was your decision then no, you should not have been forced but why would it matter to you what other people thought if you had decided that you didn't want to bf? That was your decision.

Oh I don't know bumbleymummy - could it be the midwife who told me I was being selfish and would regret the decision for the rest of my life, or the community midwife who asked me if I'd mind coming to one of her sessions to demonstrate how to bath a newborn baby, and after I kindly did so her colleague decided it would be fine to also get me to demonstrate breastfeeding as well and proceed to grab and pull out my breast in front of 12 strange men and women without actually checking if it was ok or even if I was actually breastfeeding, or the other midwife who came round to my SIL's when was visiting her and newborn niece and she saw me ff my baby and turned to my SIL and said oh that milk is for baby cows - pointing at my baby. Or the countless posters, leaflets, the HV who wouldn't give me advice - so I felt alone, humiliated, embarrassed, judged and treated with a complete lack of respect by health professionals.

Coupled with premature birth, baby in special care, emergency CS, extreme colic - it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yes I'd made a decision - but it was systematically undermined by myopic fuckwits who ground me down to feel like, well, a lost cause.

YABVU

It's none of your business how she feeds her baby. This breastapo thing has gone too far. Someone people seem to think ff is abuse.

Well then we actually agree razzle - people who have decided that they don't want to bf should be just left alone and the resources should be directed at those who actually want to bf - a better result for all concerned.

I agree that it's none of the OP's business how her SIL feeds her baby, but I would also find it upsetting to see a newborn rooting for the breast and not being comforted - I think that's a fairly understandable emotional reaction, especially if you are pregnant or have a small baby yourself at the time.

Also I trained as a mental health nurse and bf can and does contribute to alot of PND, not that some bf obsessives will want to acknowledge that!

Probably alot of times due to the total lack of understanding and total judgement the mother knows she will face if she changes to ff from the breast is best brigade at a time when she is feeling vulnerable

Actually I'm pretty sure I've read a few studies that show that BF decreases the risk of PND...

I don't know why we are all so disgusted and surprised at people judging others, especially on MN. We all have an internal monologue and opinions which most of us would never express to someone else in RL if we thought it would cause hurt.

I read the first couple of pages of the thread and was going to post about my own circumstances, state that my DC rarely vomited as new borns on BM, but you know what? It doesn't matter about what I think or my experiences really. I wouldn't say or post that to upset anyone. Ok maybe mine weren't prone to vomiting BM, but there will be some babies out there who do.

The op has an emotional experience and instead of asking invasive questions about "why not.." to SIL, she is talking about feelings, not experience on here.

I was in a two bed day ward after having my second DS and never saw the woman in the bed next to me due to curtain dividers. We did, however hear plenty through the curtains and she was giving her new born a bottle and then exclaiming, "oh he's been sick". Well I did silently wonder "why not Bf just a few days, what a shame etc", but it didn't matter what I think. I didn't know all the facts, it was just a quick fleeting harmless ill informed judgement that didn't hurt anyone.

So why don't we all stop going hammer and tongs at one another on here? We all judge, usually without hurting anyone, as we all choose to live our lives differently and in way we think best.
Of course other peoples' ways of doing things are inferior to our own, and therefore worthy of a little internal judgement. It is bullshit to express shock and pretend otherwise. Wake up and smell the bullshit folks.

or maybe she was scared off by so many people telling her she was being unreasonable for a perfectly natural response to seeing an upset baby.

This post is the exact reason I left mums-net in the first place, whilst struggling with newborn number 2, with number 1 under 2 and a dh away with his job I've come back with number 3 now about to start school.

Instead of hiding posts can you hide posters, as there are some seriously venomous women out there, how their halos are so intact i will never know!!

For info bf number 1 was very, very sicky!

Well bumblemummy I'm sure that women who suffer PND and who do breast feed ( and who believe the bf contributed) well be pleased to know you've read studies stating breast feeding decreases the risk of PND, what a way to make people feel worse about their feelings if I'd attributed my PND in some part to bf you putting that would have made me feel totally abnormal! Try to show a bit of compassion why don't you

YANBU to feel sad.

YABU to judge a mother of four days. Wait and see.

Also what you are talking about is baby blues! The chances of getting Serious PND are not going to be reduced just because you bf!

Bumbleymummy will show compassion if 'studies' deem it acceptable.

lovesicecream - see that is the problem. All I'm doing is pointing out that there are studies that contradict the idea that bf contributes to PND. Why are you allowed to say that it does contribute to it but I'm not allowed to say that it doesn't because it might hurt your feelings? It's actually the same argument that gets used quite often in relation to bf - we shouldn't talk about the benefits of bf or the risks of ff because it might offend someone who ff.

eh razzle? What a silly comment.

that's thing with people being individuals. for some people it will reduce risks of PND, for others it can be a contributing factor. i dont know if it made me worse or if the PND ruined bfing, bit of both i imagine. i dont need a study to prove it though so it doesnt upset me that you want to claim it's untrue.