To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

No it doesnt make me feel better because I dont need to "feel better" (no idea why Im should?) - but I am allowed to say someone here is being ridiculous if they call my commentsridiculous first

And no you havent said those things - but they have been said here.

Actually doll, if sovery couldn't bf then expressed bm or donated bm would have been the best thing. Just saying, I know they aren't always possible or available but there's no point in dressing up formula as the 'best' when everyone knows it isn't.

Fuck me, some of you are vile, nasty pieces of work, aren't you.

Your precious fucking breast milk would have had me dead. Sliced, diced and pilled up to the eyeballs with my own hands so I wouldn't have to do it one second longer. But hey, at least my little boy would have had his shot of BM. So much more important then a living mother, I'm sure we all agree.

I fully blame the pressure I faced to BF (I never wanted to in the first place but wanted to give it a go and the NHS posters assured me it was what good mums do) as the reason I had PND so severe it ended up in a near admission to a local psych unit. I was exhausted, beyond miserable and got to the point I wanted to run in the opposite direction to my little boy rather then hold him - do you know, I was even one of those god awful mothers who shipped in grandma to help. Of course, battling on through the exhaustion and depression and then actually killing myself would have been the better option. Think of all that bonding I we would have had in the 6 weeks I would have been alive through my little boys life - memories for him to cherish, I'm sure.

I SWORE the night I was going to kill myself that no other mother would be made to feel I way I was by judgy twats like you.

So you can stuff your liquid gold. Fuck your 'BM coma's'. And put your 'special bonding BF snuggles' where the sun will never, ever shine. I don't give a shit about any of those things - my little boy has a mummy insted of BM. I am happy with my decsion, but it took a long time to get there.

And before anyone says it, this is NOT an attack of people promoting BM (though NO it is NOT BEST). It is the attitudes of a few posters here that have compelled me to write.

Oh, I made zeros eye contact during my 'precious' breast feeds. Difficult to, through all the tears.

But I suppose all the happy formula feeds my baby got don't count. The smiles. The cuddles. The songs.

Who said people who ff weren't defensive or aggressive?

realistically formula was best thing, donated breast milk is reserved for the sickiest and earliest babies

It's the first time I've seen breast feeding held responsible for mental health issues

Oh, I am amazinly defensive and aggressive, thanks to views such as some of the gems on here.

Hahahaha - women who choose not to bf are lost causes? Lost to what? Which cause? Yours? How marvellous! Thank fuck for that!

I'll choose my own causes thanks very much.

It's amazing isn't it how none of us ffeeders have honestly ever seen any of these superior uber-healthy babies anywhere? It's odd isn't it that we have a wealth of anecdotal evidence to support us. That you'd be hard pressed to find a clear difference anywhere. Mine have no allergies, never sick, they're fit as fucking fiddles. One woman I know who bf exclusively for six months - both her kids have asthma, one can hardly eat anything, they're in and out of hospital with bugs. She was exclusively bf as a child too and has shocking eczema.

There are also studies which show bf to be no better than ff. But I couldn't give a fuck anyway. I have my own evidence in front of me. My babies are my business and are my proof and justification. They are no worse off or different to a bf baby and much healthier than quite a few bf babies I know.

Oh and this woman I mentioned above, she bf yes, but she's also boring, right-wing, vapid, never reads books or newspapers, loves Celine Dion and votes Tory. There's a lost cause if ever I saw one.

Actually, quips aside, it is actually pretty awful that so many people who wanted to bf have been let down and are obviously really angry/very disappointed about it. Clearly better and more available support is needed so that every woman can have the experience that she wants. If someone chooses to ff without bf at all then that is their decision but if someone has no alternative but to ff because of problems bf then that decision has been taken away from them and that just isn't fair.

It may surprise you to know bubblemummy that people who ff are individuals, just the same as people who chose to bf. Therefore its a bit silly to attribute characteristics to a group of people who are individuals.

salad, no - formula was the only thing available thing - not the best thing. Donated bm should be more freely available IMO. I think many women would choose it if they had the option.

Too many things!*

by duck dodgers:
Yep, Im 1 of them, chose to ff not just once but 3 times. No excuses, no attempt to say bf is not right - I just didnt want to, didnt fancy it so I didnt. Get it - my choice. FF generally dont get "defensive" - Im seen loads of thread like this and its always a small minority of bf who are zealous and rude. On the other hand you get people who bf and promote it - thats great - without being arrogant and overbearingingly nasty to others who choose not to bf.

people finding excuses to justify bad decisions - who said it as a "bad decision" to ff their baby? You?? Only your opinion again.

I cant abide all this crap spouted here about ff being less maternal and having less of a bond. My boys are 18, 9 and 3 and I never had any problems bonding with them at all.

I believe a father is just as important to a newborn as a Mother - Im not arropgant enough to think that I was all that mattered to my newborn babies. My DH being able to feed my boys was just an added bonus to me not wanting to bf. So for all you judgey Mums here feel sad for my boys if you want, but I have a loving memories of all the early days when both DH and I bonded with our sons instead of a workaholic husband who did little with our babies.

Is this you not getting defensive duck?
Is there some correlation between workaholic fathers and FF or is this somewhat irrelevant?

by razzle:

I don't think breast is best for babies at all. I truly don't. I don't think it makes a blind bit of difference, as long as the formula is made up correctly and with clean water.

I absolutely believe that. Loads of mother do. Unfortunately most ff mothers feel they have to start any defence with 'I know breast is best but...'.

I couldn't give a shit about this or that study, us ff mothers know our babies are absolutely none the worse for it. They just aren't. We see bf babies all around us with allergies, asthma etc etc. We see our own babies thriving. We are great mums with holistic ideals and confidence in our own decisions.

So your personal experience of having a couple of healthy children proves the point does it razzle? You personal experience os far more valid than RCTs?

Every mum should be free to make their own choice re feeding. FF is a very acceptable alternative and can sometimes save lives but BF is still superior. We all make choices on occasion that may not be the absolute best thing for our children. Life isn't perfect and we have to sometimes take shortcuts/ make sensible informed choices. I can't really see the need for some much defensiveness/ snide remarks and people deluding themselves. In my experience, people who behave like that are not fully confident in their choice or have you all been given a hard time by judgemental people on lots of occasions?

Well then we agree on that sovery - I think I mentioned the same thing on the previous page.

soverylucky Sun 17-Jul-11 21:53:02
That is what I always say bumblymummy and I said it earlier in the thread. It is a disgrace that women who want to bf are denied the help that they need and want. All energy should be focussed on that.

This is really do agree with. If I had had a little more help with how to BF, rather then just being assured I should, maybe I would have carried on ane't even started to enjoy it.

"Oh and this woman I mentioned above, she bf yes, but she's also boring, right-wing, vapid, never reads books or newspapers, loves Celine Dion and votes Tory. There's a lost cause if ever I saw one."

I was going to reply to that "lost cause" comment but it was so crazy I just found it laughable. Im a lost cause in the crusade to get the world to bf

"people finding excuses to justify bad decisions"

Errr, brain damaged baby in nicu who cant breastfeed. Try it sometime.

Aloiseg you've obviously lived a very sheltered life.

BF made me bloody miserable,resentful of my babies and suffering from nervous exhaustion,teetering on the edge of PND and I wasn't alone not by a long chalk.

"Is this you not getting defensive duck?
Is there some correlation between workaholic fathers and FF or is this somewhat irrelevant?"

No its not For the benefit of the second person who hasnt read the whole thread I was making an ironic dig at a comment posted earlier by alousieg.

there is not enough breast milk donated that is why reserved for the earliest/sickest and i think rightly, ds had alot of issues so i have no doubt that formula was in no doubt best option for him, how can an unavailable thing be best?