To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

YANBU to think anything, but you would BU to say anything. Everyone makes different choices with their children, and there are far more important things to worry about than bfing or ffing, and I say this as a bf'er

I have to say as someone who has done both that the most memorable thing for me was watching my dh feed my youngest for the first time after he came off the tube feed ( he was prem) there are good points to both ff and bf I know my dh is glad that he has had this time to feed the baby himself, also to say that bf is best for bonding is hardly fair on all the men out there who bond just as well as women even though they don't have breasts

Dolly are you honestly saying that because she bf that's why her kids had problems?! I've heard it all now! Am not really surprised at all the bf bashing and how peopl are desperately trying to dispute how amazing bf is - it is all rather sad.

I am so glad I persevered with bf and gave/am still giving my babies the amazing benefits of breastmilk and it is actually rather amusing to read people desperately try to underplay the amazing benefits of bm and the bond and pleasure babies get from breastfeeding.

Hi haven't read all the posts but judging by OP UABU.
All babies look for the nipple whether on their mother or not it is a natural instinct. He is only for days old so your sil will still be getting used to the responsibilty of having this baby to look after.
You will naturaly be feeling hormonal at min but just try and be supportive of her decisions even if they are not the ones you will be making.

hairfullofsnakes No I am not saying that at all! The text in bold was quoting MilaMae at 19:33:10. I was questioning her Sorry for how my post came across. I should have previewed!

OP, YANBU - I would have felt very sad too - esp about the whole "don't want him to get used to bm comment! I haven't read the whole thread but I can guess how it has gone

"All babies look for the nipple whether on their mother or not it is a natural instinct."

Surely that's the point though - the baby is being denied what it is instinctively looking for...

Sovery - I did not say that ff was not bonding, I would not know as I have not ff. I just know how incredibly bonding bf is and how much my babies loved to nuzzle to the breast - that to me is amazing and when I personally gave my firstborn a bottle of expressed bm (once) I did not find it bonding or in any way comparable to breastfeeding but that is just my personal experience.

@ the competitive bonding

Sorry dolly! Ah yes millamae has a history of utterly defensive posting when it comes to breast-feeding and will desparatwly try to undermine the importance of bm

I don't think breast is best for babies at all. I truly don't. I don't think it makes a blind bit of difference, as long as the formula is made up correctly and with clean water.

I absolutely believe that. Loads of mother do. Unfortunately most ff mothers feel they have to start any defence with 'I know breast is best but...'.

I couldn't give a shit about this or that study, us ff mothers know our babies are absolutely none the worse for it. They just aren't. We see bf babies all around us with allergies, asthma etc etc. We see our own babies thriving. We are great mums with holistic ideals and confidence in our own decisions.

We don't need anyone to feel sorry for our children.

No one ever chooses the second best school or second best piano teacher, the second best anything, we always want the best, or at least we should do, for our children. So the one thing we can do for our babies that is free and superior yet some people make an informed hmm decision not to do it.

Yep, Im 1 of them, chose to ff not just once but 3 times. No excuses, no attempt to say bf is not right - I just didnt want to, didnt fancy it so I didnt. Get it - my choice. FF generally dont get "defensive" - Im seen loads of thread like this and its always a small minority of bf who are zealous and rude. On the other hand you get people who bf and promote it - thats great - without being arrogant and overbearingingly nasty to others who choose not to bf.

people finding excuses to justify bad decisions - who said it as a "bad decision" to ff their baby? You?? Only your opinion again.

I cant abide all this crap spouted here about ff being less maternal and having less of a bond. My boys are 18, 9 and 3 and I never had any problems bonding with them at all.

I believe a father is just as important to a newborn as a Mother - Im not arropgant enough to think that I was all that mattered to my newborn babies. My DH being able to feed my boys was just an added bonus to me not wanting to bf. So for all you judgey Mums here feel sad for my boys if you want, but I have a loving memories of all the early days when both DH and I bonded with our sons instead of a workaholic husband who did little with our babies.

Ok usualauspect if that's what you think!

Oh I forgot, we can't state how lovely bf is for fear of offending ff and have to be accused of being competitive... How predictable!

lol nobody disputes that breast milk is best but chuffing hell 1 comment that bashed breast feeding out of a thread of 400+ lol bashed indeed, oh and as for bonding, is this an exact science? how many times/weeks/months should breast feeding be done for to gain this bond?

Razzle - you don't think that breastmilk is better than formula?! With all the antibodies it contains... The fact it helps protect against gastroenteritis, diabetes, asthma, eczema, even cancer, meningitis, cotdeath etc? Really?

Isn't that called burying your head in the sand?! I can understand that some people will state they don't want to bf but to try and dispute how good bm is to babies is just deluded and silly! I've heard it all now!

Ok hairfull you are a better mother than me

Happy now

Although mine are all grown up and and I can barely remember their baby years

razzle, you don't have to believe it if you don't want to but the studies say you are wrong :) You can go and try to disprove it by conducting your own study if you want. I'm sure you could get some funding from a formula manufacturer...

Re making bottles up correctly - visit the feeding boards and see how many people actually do make them up according to the guidelines.

IMO, in this day and age, anyone who doesn't try to breastfeed after being given all the information is a lost cause. They just won't get it (clear from several of the posts on this thread). What we should be focussing our efforts on is helping those women who actually do want to bf but who struggle and end up giving up before they want to. If we can help them, then bf will become more normalised and some of those in the 'don't want to/think it's weird/don't see the point' brigade might actually give it a go.

No, it's not being defensive, i think you'd be a bit pissed off if someone calls you stupid and feels 'sad' for your babies when youve made a perfectly valid parenting choice.

I was talking about my experience of bonding only, I can't talk for anyone else of course!

duckdodgers - do we read the same bf v ff threads? IME they are FULL of defensive formula feeders downplaying bf and trying to undermine anyone who has done so with their anecdotes about how 'healthy' their own child is.

I forgot it was against the law to formula feed

also a ridiculous comment about husbands who don't bottlefeed being workaholics who take no interest in their babies... I suppose you've just proved my previous point though :)