To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

Get back to cloud 9/heaven then and leave us mere mortals alone then.

Oh no. Noone to compare yourself with and feel all smuggy smug there is there?

oh to be a saint at parenting!

I haven't read the thread, I hate these threads but as it keeps popping up then I am going to stick my 2 cents worth in.

YABVU. [hangry]

Mind your own business how anyone feeds their child. If they don't want to BF,fine.

Concentrate on your own pregnancy and less on what others are doing.

As short said above, I wish we could all be so perfect and do everything 'right'.

AlouiseG, I honestly think you're reading a different thread then.

JamieAgain - sorry forgot to put your name in to repsond.

I do not like people feeling attacked by the whole bf guilt especially when it was something they wanted to do but for whatever reasons it did not work. I do not think I am superior for feeding my children or that they are healthier etc.

Some people are more maternal then others and find the first steps into motherhood easier than others but of course that is only the beginning and I am not saying these people are better parents long term. Some people I know are just not "baby" people but as soon as their kids were toddlers you could see them into them so much more.

AlouiseG - tis even more a shame that people continue to look down on other people's choices.
In your last post, after being patronising to others about 'enjoying' the child you say..
I also had a workaholic husband building a business who did very little domestically or with the babies. Its relentless but its not brain surgery, how hard can it be to love and care for your own child and be happy about it.
Two hands are better than one as they say...

Thank fuck that by the time they are 18 no one remembers how you fed tnem or gives you grief over what they shove into their stomachs now.

It ceases to be a big deal.

Yoodle - that post was outrageous. Not to mention smug, patronising, deliberately spiteful and ever so slightly silly.

The vast majority of women I know in RL would readily admit to there being a stage of their children's lives that they did not enjoy very much. And I know a lot of parents who practice attachment parenting, extended BFing, exclusive sling use etc, so not unfeeling harpies who offloaded their babies on nannies at two days old by any stretch of the imagination.

No one I know in RL would ever have the staggering arrogance and blinkered naivety to suggest that such an admission should be interpreted as evidence of being non maternal. A mother is a mother from the first moment of a child's life to the last moment of the mother's life. And that is not negated by not feeling like skipping around singing lalalala isn't everything wonderful for every minute in between.

You owe Milamae an honest apology. Unfortunately, I don't for one minute think that she will get one.

Alouise who said I didn't love and care for my babies?I certainly didn't.I simply didn't enjoy the round the clock exhaustion.So sue me .

I did however love the 2 year old stage,I know several who hated every bit of that. I know several mothers who hate the teenage years.As others have said motherhood is a marathon and nobody can be expected to love every minute.

I would also like to say devoting every single minute to a newborn kind of forgets the needs of older children.A child doesn't cease to be important once it has a baby sibling,their needs count too as do the needs of a family. A newborn is perfectly capable of coping without 24 hour attention whilst older siblings get the attention they need.Reading this thread one would think neborns melt if not held continuously-they don't.Many mothers with a new baby have no help,have to cook,clean and care for other children,it's called life. Spreading myself across the needs of everybody was hard.

Focusing on the needs of just one child isn't always right or healthy.My mil bf all hers until they were 2. She loved the baby stage and was so besotted the others were just left to it.My dp's older sister used to roam the streets. Her whole life is a mess and she's been in a lot of trouble all due to attention seeking which started when the younger babies came along.My mil loved bf and babyhood for herself and herself alone,she forgot about motherhood being a marathon and is now paying the price.

Perspective is what is needed on this subject,that and the realisation we all have needs(mothers,older siblings,partners and babies).The most important thing is the realisation that motherhood is for life.The 1st 18 years are all important and we can only do our best. There will be many times kids don't get our best but if the majority of the time they get our best efforts it will all turn out just fine.

ooo how selfish of me i didn't want to die in labour so took some drugs that unfortunately meant i couldn't breast feed... best keep that one a secret from ds when he's older he might think i put my needs first.

oh crikey, op you really chucked a firework in here didn't ya!!

yanbu to feel sad about it.

So AlOuise I take it you've enjoyed every single moment and stage of your dc's lives then?????

You must either have angel children or the patience of a saint.

Al0uiseG Sun 17-Jul-11 18:59:56

"Its relentless but its not brain surgery, how hard can it be to love and care for your own child and be happy about it."

I didn't find those bits difficult at all. The loving and caring came naturally to me. What I found well nigh impossible was breastfeeding my dcs without putting their lives at risk: dd because she was not strong enough to take enough food through the nipple (she was 10 before someone told me that she had a medical condition that would have prevented it), ds because I had to keep taking a medicine that was having serious side effects.

But the thing that prevented me from making the decision that was in my babies' best interests was precisely the fear that other people would be looking at me thinking "how hard can it be? How sad it is to see a parent who evidently doesn't care". The fear of meeting people like you, in other words.

My sil didnt bf my nephew she said quite casually she just didnt want to try and although Im pro bf I thankfuly thought well its her decision and said no more. Nearly 3 years later I sadly found out that my sil and db were hiv positive. They found out at the rountine blood tests that they do when you are pregnant. They didnt want anyone to know. Thats why she didnt bf.
Of course Im not saying this is the case with your sil. But it could be just that she doesnt want to do it like she said or she could have a reason why she cant or a reason why it makes her feel uncomfortable and she just doesnt want to share it with you.
Unless you know what in her head you cant judge what she is doing.

"Woopy do Yoodle lack of sleep made me ill and I simply couldn't function we're all built differently and guess what some of us don't think the newborn stage is the be all and end all of a child's life.

I loath the newborn stage with it's mewling,non stop hollering and devouring of boobs.It was pretty much the most hideous thing I've experienced of motherhood to date.

Too bloody right I elbowed dp to help out with night feeds. With 3 under 15 months I'd have been dead if I didn't and most certainly not able to cope with caring for said babies in the day.

"Passing the buck" oh do fuck off!!!!

I have a fantastic connection with my 3 as I'm not sure if you're aware but motherhood involves an awful lot more than 2 hourly feeds during the newborn stage."

This is the whole message I replied to - if someone is going to tell me to fuck off then I am not going to respond with a smiley face. Most people do not have three children under 15mths so of course she is going to find it harder, how did I know she has three under 15mths. If anyone is rude its her, if she is going to go around speaking like that to someone stating their point of view on a DISCUSSION FORUM then she should take what is thrown at her of or f off herself!

Good evening to all you assholes!

x

yanbu to feel sad, no.

i feel sad when i see a newborn with a bottle, but that is because of my own issues/guilt/etc.

you would bu to get involved or to actively judge though.

but feel sad by all means.

cory - But the thing that prevented me from making the decision that was in my babies' best interests was precisely the fear that other people would be looking at me thinking "how hard can it be? How sad it is to see a parent who evidently doesn't care". The fear of meeting people like you, in other words.

Agree, totally.

So what you are saying is you took exception to several different comments and chose to be spiteful about one specific comment, not remotely aimed at you. Nothing lime a bit of good old fashioned tit for tat, is there?

But I do find your most recent arguments compelling. Calling people assholes is just so articulate and persuasive.

YANBU for feeling sorry for the baby trying to suckle and getting distressed.

I think this is what you are asking, is it not? I would find it sad. I found it incredibly distressing when my own baby would repeatedly try to suckle but was not able to latch on correctly when we tried bfing.

YABU for thinking that your SIL SHOULD breastfeed. It is her choice and there are a million reasons why she has chosen to bottlefeed, some of which you have no experience or knowledge about.

YABU You haven't even had your baby and you're making judgements. Mind your own business and leave your sil to do what she wants.

how did you know she had 3 children under 15months? says so in the message you replied to.

My mil bf all hers until they were 2. She loved the baby stage and was so besotted the others were just left to it.My dp's older sister used to roam the streets. Her whole life is a mess and she's been in a lot of trouble all due to attention seeking which started when the younger babies came along.My mil loved bf and babyhood for herself and herself alone,she forgot about motherhood being a marathon and is now paying the price.

Wow! If only if someone had told your MIL that choosing to ff her dcs rather than bf til age 2 could have saved her a whole load of problems!